18.6.05

Feeling A Bit Better

I feel:: content

Ryk called me like 10 times last night. One call right after the other. I was talking to a friend of mine, Renee, at the time, so I was kind of annoyed. I am so sick of all this drama where he is concerned. I just want to move on. Marcia called me too last night. I was so glad to her from her. She said that Ryk had called her and sounded like he had been crying and she wanted to know if we had been in a fight or something. I haven't even spoken to Ryk except via email since the last time he came out here and the cops were called. What this makes me think is that he is freaking out because he no longer can control what I do and last night he got desperate. Everytime I read an email of his or hear his voice, I start to ache again in my heart because he is so sad and so convincing that I have done him wrong that I start to doubt myself. I start to think that I really am a cast-iron bitch. I don't want to ache like that anymore. I do care about Ryk. I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I am not going to talk to him to help him figure his shit out. I'm not going to tell him what I think is wrong with him like he has asked me to do. I don't think that's right. That would be treating him just like he treated me. He's going to have to figure it out on his own.

There is another sort of drama going on as well concerning my ex, Erik. I have been talking via Myspace to the woman he has been recently seeing and just broke up with via phone the other day (sounds familiar) about what he has done and said to us and about us to each other. He has been seeing her on and off for the past 7 years, me for 8 years. We have a delicate friendship now and all of this talking has been taking place publicly on the internet so Erik can see everything we've been saying to each other. The whole time he was seeing me and seeing her, he was also sleeping with his ex-wife. He has a history of being a player. He has 2 children with his ex-wife, one with a girl he never married who, this is funny, is the exact same age as his daughter. He also has another child by another woman that he found out about like a year and a half ago. Well, he's never been publicly busted out like this so who knows what will happen now. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way at all. My only aim was to bridge the division between this woman and me. I felt like I owed her that much because she was lied to and so was I. She posted about him breaking up with her over the phone and how much she was hurt and how despite of all he has done that she still loved him. What she wrote pierced my heart. I felt exactly the same way for 8 years. I kept taking him back and taking him back all the while believing that he loved me and that he was genuine. Well, come to find out, the times when he wasn't with me, he was with her, and who knows who else. Sometimes he was with she and I at the same time. How does a man juggle a girlfriend, a lover and an ex-wife? No wonder he was so tired all the time. One time he fell asleep WHILE we were having sex. I guess what comes around goes around so to speak.

Regarding the person I met last Saturday night...well, he's definitely full of passion for life. When he kissed me I fell dizzy and I couldn't catch my breath. I don't think anything will come of it though. I have too much emotional baggage right now. My mood swings are hard for me to deal with so I can imagine that they would be even harder for someone else. I really don't think I'm ready for anything relationship-wise right now. When I was hanging out with him, I kept feeling guilty because I know how bad Ryk is feeling. I felt like I should be holed up in my house stuffing my face with bon bons and crying into my ice cream. I told Tanya about it and she admonished me strongly saying,"Don't you dare feel guilty!" So, I'm trying not to.

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