21.6.05

Darth Vader Is Stealing My Ice Cream!

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Buena Vista Social Club~Chan Chan

I finally went to see Star Wars:Episode III with Tanya on Saturday night. I loved it. The part when the robots put the Vader suit on Anakin Skywalker was the best. When he took his first breath through the respirator, I got chills. I wanted to scream at him through the whole movie,"Don't you see what you are doing? You are being played!" I didn't yell in the theater though.

I had a crazy dream that night that I was running a halfway house for teens and Anakin Skywalker was staying there, only as Darth Vader. Someone told me that he was sneaking snacks from the kitchen late at night, so I went to check on him. I was sort of scared, so I got on the sofa and peeked over the top of it to see him standing behind the open refrigerator door. I could see his arm on the door and his black robe. Then, he leaned out and glared at me from behind the door. Well, I guess he glared. I really couldn't tell because of the mask. All I heard was the wheezing of him breathing through the respirator.

I talked to my friend E the other day (not my ex-ex Erik, this is a girl). She has a live journal and I had read about a month ago where she wrote that she had relapsed. I tried to call her because I was worried, but I couldn't get hold of her. She was on Yahoo yesterday and I got to talk to her then, thankfully. I asked her in what way she had relapsed and she said,"The shooting up way." She told me that she had been shooting Mepergans for the last month or so. She cooked them down from pills into liquid. *sigh* She used to have a habit of shooting up Oxycontin a few years ago. She quit doing that though. I think she will eventually kill herself if she continues like this. I've known her since she was about 12 or 13 and she's been the same always. She's so self-destructive. I'm scared that she's weakened her heart with all the drugs she's done and that pretty soon, she's going to shoot or smoke or drink just a bit too much and her heart will just give out on her. She's done so much damage to her body already that her MRI shows the bones of an 80-year old woman. She's only 24. She has a young son too. I don't know what to do for her other than pray. I try to be there for her, but she pushes me away a lot. I love her so much.

I've had two different dreams recently about a married couple who are really good friends of mine. Alisha and Paul are married; they have been for a number of years. They were together for a long time before they got married so they've been together I think a total of 15 or 16 years. I've known Paul since 1984. I've known Alisha since 1991. The two dreams that I had were of him cheating on her. In my dream he was having sex with another woman. That other woman was me. I'm so disturbed by these dreams. I love them and I would never, never, never have sex with Paul. I would never try to come between them. Sometimes I have dreams that come true or dreams that tell me what is going on about things that I would otherwise know nothing about and I'm wondering if they are having problems. I have talked to Alisha recently. I went over to her house the week before last and hung out with her and her two sons in the pool they have in their back yard. Paul wasn't there. He was at work I guess. She didn't tell me or insinuate to me that there was anything wrong. Even though it was only a dream, I feel like a bad person for dreaming that I slept with Paul. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

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