Wow. Am I Fucked Up Or What?

I feel:: nauseated
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Wrong Band

Borderline:Very High
Avoidant:Very High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.
Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
" Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
" Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
" Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
" Projection of blame onto others
" Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
" Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
" Relentlessly suspicious
Additional Information:
Paranoid personality disorder is difficult to treat, as paranoids are often extremely suspicious of medical professionals. A combination of medication and talk therapy can be effective at combating the more debilitating symptoms of this disorder.
I don't think having a tenacious adherence to my personal rights is a bad thing. If I'm reading this wrong, someone let me know. I don't tend to think I'm very paranoid except when I should be. I guess I'm just so used to being hurt that I look for it so I can avoid it.

Shizotypal Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder:
" Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearance
" Superstitious or preoccupied with paranormal phenomena
" Difficult to follow speech patterns
" Feelings of anxiety in social situations
" Suspiciousness and paranoia
" Odd beliefs or magical thinking
" Appears shy, aloof, or withdrawn to others

Wow, I'm all those things pretty much. I have thought before that I might have a mild form of schizophrenia, but I thought I was just being paranoid. When I took Abnormal Psychology, I thought about it more, but my professor said that most people who take Abnormal think that they have something they study about. Dancingchaplain said on Gabe's lj that there is a part to the MMPI that deals with magical thinking and that it comes up really strongly on those who are in the ministry in some way. I can't help but think that's part of the reason I scored high on this.

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.
Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder:
" Disregard for the feelings of others
" Impulsive and irresponsible decision-making
" Lack of remorse for harm done to others
" Lying, stealing, other criminal behaviors
" Disregard for the safety of self and others
Additional Information:
A majority of criminals in prison have some degree of antisocial personality disorder. Treatment is highly difficult, although the symptoms often diminish with age.
This one I just don't get at all. Is this me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Borderline Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing injury to their own body. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. Borderlines think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder:
" Self-injury or attempted suicide
" Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours
" Impulsive behavior
" Drug or alcohol abuse
" Feelings of low self-worth
" Unstable relationships with friends, family, and boyfriends/girlfriends

Additional Information:
Borderline personality disorder was so-named because it was originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis. The disorder is relatively common, affecting 2% of adults. Women are much more likely to suffer borderline than men. Nearly 20% of psychiatric hospitalizations are due to borderline. With treatment, patients are often able to see their symptoms improve.

Treatment involves therapy in which the patient learns to talk through his or her feelings rather than unleashing them in destructive and self-defeating ways. Medication may be helpful, and treatment of any alcohol or substance abuse issues is required. Brief hospitalization is sometimes required, especially in cases involving psychotic episodes or suicide threats or attempts.

I am pretty moody and I do have a really bad self-image. Sometimes I think that my friends get tired of having to lift me up out of my depression. I do self injure. I pull skin off my lips, fingers, and toes. I have cut in the past as well as burned myself ritualistically. I have never made suicidal threats. I have said that I've had suicidal ideations and I've attempted it several times, but I don't threaten like, "I'll kill myself if you do/don't do thus and such." I am depressed a lot. It seems like I'm always there with occasional reprieves. I have abused drugs and alcohol a lot in the past and I believe I am prone to it again. As I sit here writing this, I am having to struggle to think through a haze of Vicodin which I really don't need. I took it because my hip was hurting pretty badly because of my scoliosis and I couldn't sleep because of the pain. The last three times I took it, I did it because I was depressed and I wanted to be numb for awhile. I don't have unstable relationships with my girlfriends or my friends that are guys. The friends I make tend to be for the long term. However, I have pretty unstable relationships with boyfriends.

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Quick Summary:
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder:
" Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection
" Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations
" Fear of embarrassment results in avoidance of new activities
" Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude
" Desire for improved social relations
" Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly
" Creation of elaborate fantasy lives

I do often feel inadequate, but until recently, have not avoided social situations. I really don't like to work with a lot of other people or in a job that deals with the public because I tend to get pissy with people when I think they are being stupid. My ideal job would be something like working in a library or translating language on my computer. I do yearn for more intimate relationships, but I'm afraid of pursuing them because of the risk of getting hurt. I think I go through phases of wanting/not wanting more intimate relationships,especially with men. I do create elaborate fantasies, but I know they are not real. I create them to distract myself when I'm upset or freaking out to keep calm. I do it when I can't sleep or sometimes I just daydream. I used to get really depressed that my fantasy life could never be my real life, but not so much now. I finally realized that I was missing out on a lot of my life by always wishing for something else.


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