Hitchin' the toe out- Pt. 2.

I feel:: contemplative
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~For My Brother

Ok, so to continue where I left off: I was at Whitewater Friday night with Tanya. Mike was there;Audie showed up after he got off work; D and Laurel had come to sit with us and I was checking out D because he was so good-looking.

After I watched D sit alone at the bar for an hour, Tanya got up from our table and said she was going over to one of the tables in the back to "mingle". So, I headed straight for the lone D. I sauntered my best sexy saunter up to him and said sweetly, "Why are you sitting here all by yourself?" He said, "I don't really know, but you can sit with me if you want to." Yes indeedy, I did. I made myself as comfortable as I could on the bar stool next to him (How comfortable can one be on a bar stool, anyway? Eventually, I always feel like I shoulda brought some Preparation H.).

We watched the band for a bit then started talking intermittently during times when the band was quiet-ish. He asked me what my name was again and a few minutes later, repeated it. I turned and said,"Yeah?" He said,"I'm just repeating your name to myself so I don't forget it." I smiled a half-smile and said while turning back to watch the band,"That's good." He asked me where I worked; I told him I was a student double-majoring in Psychology and Spanish. He asked me if I went out a lot. I said, "No, because I study mostly on the weekends because I'm a geek like that." He seemed impressed and said something like, "It's hard to balance studying and going out. I respect you for wanting to be educated. You don't meet a lot of women in bars who are." To which, I responded by smiling at him and thinking that I wanted to grab his face that very minute and plant a good kiss on his lovely lips, but I remained silent and smiling. We talked some more and at one point, he started digging through his coat pockets looking for something. He procured his cell finally. I thought he had a phone call, so I turned back toward the band, but he leaned toward me and said casually, "Hey, what's your number?" I was surprised at how natural that question sounded coming from him. There was no artifice behind it at all. It was almost like we'd known each other for months and maybe he'd just changed phones and was re-putting all of his numbers in his new one. So, stunned, I recited my phone number to him and he put it in his phone along with my correctly-spelled name. He made it a point to ask me how I spelled it. I thought that was nice since most people just assume and get it wrong.

I noticed that throughout our converstion, he would occasionally look back at the bar where he had had his drink sitting (He had finished it by that time.). One of these times I said,"What are you looking for?" He said,"I'm wishing that I had another drink and I keep thinking that if I wish hard enough one will appear behind me on the bar. I know I don't need another drink, but if one were there, I would drink it. I'm pretty buzzed now, but if I drink another drink, I know that my underwear will just come off." I raised one eyebrow at him in an "Oh really?" expression. He then leaned forward and said in my ear, "You know, after you have a certain amount of alcohol, your underwear just spontaneously comes off." I fell into a spasm of laughter at that remembering all the times I had been drunk and my underwear had "spontaneously" come off. He eventually ordered a shot of rum with some kind of soda for a chaser. As he was about to drink the shot, I said, "Make sure you're still in possession of your underwear." He put his shot on the bar, laid hands on his equipment and said laughing, "Good call."

Our conversation continued for a few more minutes, when suddenly, Laurel came over to D and said something in his ear. She was looking like a not-very-happy-camper and the three guys who had been surrounding her all this time vying for her attentions were right on her heels. D leaned over to me and said regretfully,"I have to go." I said,"You're leaving now?" He shrugged and said, "Yeah, I wish I wasn't." Right then, he put the most delicious kiss on my cheek. I couldn't help myself, so I reached out and put my arms around his neck. He returned my hug by pulling me tightly to his chest. Then, he was gone. I have to admit, I felt cheated.

I didn't want to sit at the bar all alone, so I made my way over to where Tanya was sitting with Audie and some other people. (Tanya was sitting next to Audie and I noticed that she was now wearing his suit coat. Audie=sweet) She introduced me to everyone and I took a seat at a small table behind all of them. I didn't sit there for very long, maybe 20 minutes, when I decided that I wanted to go home. I tapped Tanya on her shoulder and told her that I was going. She hugged me, told me she loved me and to be careful driving home. I made my way to the door of the bar and down the front stairs all the while hoping that D would still be sitting in Laurel's car somewhere in the parking lot, see me, come over to me and ask me for a ride home. Nothing like that happened. I just got in my car, picked out a Tori Amos cd and started the drive home. I arrived at my house at about 2:30am. I changed into my pjs, got my chicken sandwich out of the fridge (Dad had called earlier and had said that he was bringing me that sandwich from Popeye's. Yay.). I went back to my room with the sandwich in one hand and a Diet Mountain Dew in the other. I flipped on my tv, jumped in my bed to watch Blade kill some vampires and enjoy my sandwich. I had left my cell in my purse in the kitchen at the other end of the house. I knew that I needed to charge it since it only had one bar of battery left, but because I'm so damn lazy, I left it where it was. I figured that I would just plug it in when I awoke later on that day.

I woke up at about 8:00 bright-eyed and busy-tailed after having constant dreams of D. I went into the kitchen to make coffee, grabbed my cell out of my purse and when my coffee was done, I walked to my computer/tv room, sat down with it and plugged my phone into the charger. I watched the tube for a little while and then just happened to look down at my cell. The red light on the top right was blinking, which means that someone has called me and left a voicemail. I thought, "Wow, someone called me? I didn't even hear the phone ring." I flipped the flippy top open to reveal the screen and saw that the call had come at 2:40am and the phone number from which it had come. I didn't recognize the number and thought,"Who would call me at that time of the morning?" Assuming it was a wrong number, but curious about what possible voicemail I might have, I clicked on the voicmail icon on the screen of my phone and waited for it to dial in. This is what I heard when the voicemail message started: *shuffle, shuffle, shuffle* then in a drunk slur, "Yo, this is D. I met you earlier tonight. I finally made it back to the hizzle. Call me." A big smile broke my face and I felt all giggly, thinking, "He said "hizzle". I looked at the time right then and it was only about 10:30. I figured he'd still be asleep, so I waited about an hour or so before calling him.

When I called, he answered and when I told him it was me, he said enthusiastically, "Hey!" then hesitantly,"Can I call you back in a few minutes? I have someone on the other line that I need to talk to." I said,"Yeah, that's cool." So, we hung up and he called me back about 30 minutes later. The first thing I said was, "I'm sorry I missed your call. I had left my phone in my purse at the other end of the house and didn't even hear it ring. By the way, you said 'hizzle'." While I was giggling, he said, "Wow. I did? I was pretty drunk, but when I woke up today, I remembered who you were, your hair and your smile." We talked and laughed for about an hour when he told me that he had family coming over and that he had to clean up his house, shower and whatnot. I had to go too, because I had been invited to a baby shower later on that afternoon. Before we said good-bye, he asked me, "So, what does a girl like you do on a Saturday night?" I said, "Tanya, Sally and I are going to this bar downtown to celebrate her bday again and see some bands. Do you want to go?" His response was, "Hell yeah!" then guiltily, "Ahh, the only problem with that is that my truck is broken down." So, I asked him if he wanted me to come get him, to which he responded, "Yeah! That's really cool of you!" He gave me sketchy directions to his house and I told him that I would call him after the baby shower was over.

More later. ;)

Hitchin' the toe out- Pt. 1.

I feel:: nervous
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: P.O.D.~The Fundamental Elements of Southtown

Tanya and I went to Whitewater Tavern last night to celebrate her bday, which isn't really until the 30th, but who can resist an early celebration? A band was playing called Parachute Woman. They were amazing. The singer was kind of short and wiry with a head full of really curly hair (I mean REALLY curly.) When he opened his mouth to sing, I was taken aback. His voice was so wonderful and bluesy. They also had a stand-up bass player. That was really cool as I've never actually seen one live. I've previously only heard them on CDs. Tanya's friend, and my acquaintance, Cody, was playing lead guitar. He was great and kept making all these funny faces at us all throughout the show. We were even on his "guest list". I thought that was funny considering how small Whitewater is, but that meant I didn't have to pay the $5.00 cover so I could get a little drinky-drink. (My constant state is perpetual broke-ness.) About halfway through the band's set, another one of Tanya's friends, and my acquaintance, Audie, showed up (he had been at work). Audie is just so retro. He is always wearing a 50's style suit and hat with wing tip shoes and last night he was quoting Frank Sinatra. I just love Audie. He writes too and he's really good. He even gave me his suit coat when I mentioned, offhandedly that I was chilly. Really sweet guy.

When I first got there, Tanya hadn't arrived yet, and I ran into an old friend of mine, Mike. I know he's a friend of mine and he knows that I'm his friend, but what's funny is that neither of us can remember how we met. After Tanya got there and we found seats, Mike came over and asked us if we wanted bday shots. I poked Tanya in the arm and asked her if she did. She sort of screwed up her face in that way that means, "I'm really going to regret this in morning, but of course I do!" So, we all got Kamikazes. Tanya and Mike, being the pros that they are, downed theirs in one fell gulp. I had to sip mine because I'm such a little girl like that. It took me forever to drink it because it was just so sour.

Mike's friend, D and his friend, Laurel, came to sit with us as well. I immediately focused in on D. He was amazingly good-looking, but I thought that he and Laurel were a couple, so I dismissed the thought just as quickly as it came. All of us got to talking and D leaned toward me from across the table and said this as his eyes appraised me,"Well... you look really good tonight." I was a little shocked and about to be angry, so I leaned across the table toward Laurel and said in a voice loud enough to be heard by the whole company, "Are you two boyfriend-girlfriend?" She turned toward me and quickly shook her head, "No." Then she explained something about how her boyfriend was in the Navy deployed overseas (Iraq, no doubt.) and that she and D were just friends that hung out together sometimes. To which D replied, "Yeah, I love her, but she has no love for me." I didn't know whether he was joking or not. So, I put the thought out of my mind and went back to enjoying the band, giggling with Tanya and sipping my Jack and Diet gingerly. Eventually, Laurel and D left our table and made their way towards the bar where Laurel was almost immediately surrounded by three men who all seemed to be vying for her attentions. D sat himself at the bar and studied the scenery. I covertly watched him for about an hour sit there by himself (because I'm just that kind of girl. When I get my mind focused on something, I can't let it go until I feel like I have some sort of closure/resolution. Plus, he was just so damn handsome that I couldn't not at least occasionally take in glance of him.)
I'll continue this story later. I'll leave y'all hanging so you'll come back to see me. j/k ;)

Frustration and Reiteration

I feel:: annoyed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~Icicle

I have been trying to study Chps 1 and 2 for my Sensation and Perception class tomorrow morning. I've been trying to do this on and off all day. I feel overwhelmed with all of the physics and biology involved. I managed to muddle through Chp 1, make some important underlines regarding definitions and such, but I haven't taken any notes on it yet. I've looked at the pictures and read the captions under them in Chp 2, but haven't actually read it yet. I'm frustrated that I can't concentrate. I want to go out somewhere. I don't care where. Just anywhere, but I can't because I need to save my gas because I have no money and dad only has like $50 in his checking account until the first of the month. I have cabin fever. There is so much that I could be doing right now-like laundry-but I just don't want to do it. I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and being just generally childish. On top of all of this, I have quite a large and ridiculous sweet craving right this minute. It's one of those kinds of cravings that makes you want to knock people down if they block you in any way from procuring whatever it is that you want. It's amazing to me that I can sit and study Scripture for four solid hours without taking a break, yet I can't study Sensation and Perception for one hour without getting distracted. I shouldn't be complaining. I know I shouldn't. I'm in school this semester by the skin of my teeth and I should be thankful for that. I was yesterday. Today, I'm just cranky. Ungrateful wench, aren't I?

I had a dream this afternoon that someone was taking pictures of me either nude or partially nude. In my dream, I was about 12 or so. I don't know if this is something that really happened,i.e. one of the things Daddyboy did to me, or if it's just a bad dream. Maybe that's why I'm so restless. I don't know. It's so hard to tell because I don't have any really solid memories from the time I was a toddler until I was about 14. I think that's the year that Daddyboy got cancer and his molestation of me stopped simply because he physically couldn't. He couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom, much less do anything else. He had a huge brain tumor that, by the time the doctors discovered it, had mestastesized and had grown down the entire length of his spine. The human part of me, the child and preteen that had to endure his awful attentions says in my head, "You reap what you sow. That sick fuck deserved what he got and if there was any justice he'd get more." The part of me that loves God says that I should forgive him because Christ forgave me. Because Christ came to live, die and resurrect for everyone, not just the good people. For the murderers, child molesters, rapists, serial killers.....everyone. The thought that God could love someone like my grandfather is totally beyond my comprehension. (I guess it's a good thing I'm not God. There would be much punishment meted out.) I don't know if I can forgive him just yet. I know it's been a long time since he died and since all of that happened, but it's still with me just like it happened a moment ago.

Ok, y'all have heard this song and dance from me before, so I'll just shut up now. I should come down off the bloody cross, use the wood to build a bridge and get over it. Right? Or conversely, I could mask my pain with humor. I'm just so tired of pretending to be ok when I'm not. I absolutely cannot stand the greeting, "Hi. How are you?" with the response, "Fine. How are you?" Sometimes, when people say that to me, I want to grab them and scream at them until they can feel my pain. Until they understand why it's so inane to go around asking people how they are when you really don't care in the first place, or even want to know in the second.


EDIT: I just realized-just this second-that the reason I want sweets so badly is probably to soothe myself. Whenever bad things happened to me as a child, I would get food and told that I should dry my tears. Whenever my grandmother would find my grandfather with me, she would take me into her kitchen, fix me a bowl of vanilla ice cream with Bosco sauce (Bosco sauce is chocolate sauce) on top, sit me at the table and tell me to eat my ice cream and to stop crying. Muna, the great facilitator.

This probably explains why I like ice cream and chocolate so much, even to the point of preferring it over regular food. Well, you guys have just been privvy to the emergence of one of my repressed memories. Do you feel special yet? I don't.


EDIT II: I went out for coffee with Sally and Tanya. I couldn't stand myself sitting here and bitching about everything. After coffee, we walked around Wal-Mart for a couple of hours, tried on shoes, acted like geeks in the hat isle, and found a man with camel toe in the music department. Much fun was had. When I got home, I discovered that the cats had pulled down my curtains in my room about halfway, knocked over a stack of books and peed on the plastic liner that I put underneath the litter box. I guess their sensibilities are just too delicate. Dad left the joyous job of cleaning up the cat pee for me. Thanks Dad.

Sometimes things work out and I'm shocked as shit when they do.

I feel:: relieved
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Cyndi Lauper~Fearless

I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LSD is not good for you

I feel:: amused
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Beekeeper

I dreamt last night that I was kidnapped by a guy who was on the FBI top ten most wanted list. His name was Johnny Hash and he looked like the illigitimate love child of Sid Vicious and Johnny Cash. He took me to a convenient store.

Must be all the drugs I did as a teenager.

The power of orange knickers and combat boots

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~The Beekeeper

I'm not posting these to show how spiritual I am or if I can qualify for a marathon Bible study. I was feeling incredibly empty, stressed and depressed tonight, so I decided to have a little convo with God. It lasted from 8:15pm-12:15am. You know how sometimes, you just are finished talking and just want to be silent? That's where I am right now. Even though, I didn't "say" anything out loud, I said a lot with my heart and I am exhausted now, but I feel so much better, although there is still a lingering bit of that hollow feeling. What's amazing is that I got lost in God. That hasn't happened to me in ages. Ya'll don't have to read all of this if it's too tedious and long for you. I just posted it because it's important to me. My friend, Richard, used to say all the time that he thought of God as the "big combat boot in the sky". I think he just kicked me square in the ass. With love of course. I don't feel too bruised, actually. I feel motivated and hopeful, which I haven't felt in a long, long time.

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Last night I dreamt that I was a waitress in Alice's restaurant.

I feel:: anxious
there are times when silence is best and not even the voices in my head aren't talking

I have had a crick in my neck for 3 days. Probably stress: worrying about whether or not my financial aid letter will be approved and if they will give me my money back. School starts tomorrow and I have no money for books. I'm not sleeping much and I have all this energy. I'm having a manic episode.

So anyway, here's the classes that I registered for:
Psychology of Women
Drug Abuse
Counseling Psychology
I have now changed these classes to:
Sensation and Perception
Intro to Applied Psychology (I already have the book from last semester.)
Intermediate Spanish II (This will be my third time taking it because the first time, I failed because of my nervous breakdown. The second time I took it, I got a B. Now, it's been several semesters since I had any Spanish and the next class in order to take is Adavanced Composition and Syntax. I think I need a review before I tackle that class.)

I lost 2 pounds over the weekend from not being able to eat because of stress. While I like the fact that I've lost that smidge of weight, I don't like at all being stressed out this much.

Ghosts

I feel:: indescribable
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Soundgarden~Spoon Man

Just got in from seeing Tristan and Isolde. It was a good movie, but what really affected me is what I did afterwards. Ever since I lived at Ground Zero I have had dreams about that place. I dream that I'm still there and that I'm running some sort of a library/coffee shop. In the 10 years since I moved from there I have only been back twice, including tonight. I can't believe I did it. I mean, how many people would walk up into a closed apartment building at 1am? There are still apartments there and people living in them. One girl was having a little party in the apartment where we used to have band practice. She invited me in and it nearly took my breath away. Talk about having flashbacks. I could see all of my old friends walking and talking in there still, like ghosts. I was really embarrassed that they found me wandering around in the hallway at 1 in the morning, so I didn't stay long. After I left her apartment, I found myself sitting on the front stairs seeing and hearing more ghosts of old friends long gone. I got up to try to leave, but found myself standing in front of my old apartment with my hand over my heart trying to peer inside the door to see if it was still the same as when I lived there. I walked down to the other end of the hallway and stood in front of Richard and Kacey's old apartment as well. Ghosts again. I was standing there trying not to cry as I remembered when Micheal tried to climb up inside the old circuit breaker box in the wall. The hole went all the way to the top of the building and down all the way to the ground. We couldn't guess what they had used it for.

I found myself remembering sitting on my mother's 1970s era rust colored sectional sofa that she gave me belting out Mahalia Jackson songs to soothe myself when I thought I was all alone. Turns out Richard and Kacey could hear me as clear as a bell. I found that out years later and also that they always knew when I was upset or sad because I would sing the blues at the top of my lungs.

I remembered the winter that I lived there with no heat. It was so, so cold that winter. The gas company would not allow me to have gas to the space heaters in my apartment because the pipes inside the building were so old they couldn't stand the pressure. I had wear 3 or 4 layers of clothing whenever I was at home and nighttime was worse. I slept in all my layers of clothes underneath 5 or 6 comfortors and a couple of afghans. It was so cold that there was ice on the inside of all my windows. I had no hot water, so if I wanted to take a shower, it was like standing underneath a freezing waterfall. I actually didn't shower much that winter because I was afraid of getting pneumonia. I also spent that winter living on unsweetened Kool-Aid and Instant Red-Eye Gravy Grits that I got from one of the local church food closets.

I lived at Ground Zero for 5 years. Those were the hardest years of my life. I have never had to struggle for the basic nessecities of life like I did then. How poor are you when you can't even afford Ramen noodles? Yet, I found my very first family there. That's why I stayed and waded through hell, because I thought they loved me. Turns out, while the rest of them were sitting in their warm/air conditioned houses and eating all the food they could stomach, Richard, Kacey and I were eeking out our existence from day to day never knowing where our next meal would come from or what we would do if were so unlucky as to get sick. All the while sharing what little we had with whomever was in need while the rest of them shut their homes up like Fort Knox. It is a measure of how dysfunctional I was (am) that I thought that kind of treatment was loving. It was better than anything I had experienced before and I was loyal to them. I would have died for them.

Yet, when all was said and done and we were forced to disband because Jerry VanDyke bought the entire building, everyone went their separate ways. I had to move home to Camden with Dad. No one called me or even wrote me. It was like I had never known them-my family. That is why I have trouble going to the church they all go to now, of which our old drummer is the pastor. I see them and all I see is selfishness and I want to guard my heart because I know that if they could do it once, they could do it again. Still, though, I love them, still pray daily for them and want to be a part of them I guess because I miss that sense of belonging that I once had. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I guess that's why I went to the old building at a ridiculous hour in the morning. I think I need some kind of closure.

They still don't make any attempt to keep in touch with me. When I call, I get short, curt, one word responses which makes me think that they really don't want to talk to me. It makes me feel like the whole time I spent with them was a lie. It makes me feel like I was a fool and continue to be a fool for hoping, like a kicked dog, that they could ever love me. I know they don't, but I want them to. It's this that I've been trying to come to terms with for the last 10 years, among other things. Why am I so emotionally tied to these people and that building?

I thought about going to church in the morning, but now I'm not sure that I want to. I don't know if I can face them without unforgiveness harboring in my heart like a sucking blackness.

I'm not on coke I swear. I just feel like I could pick the paint off the walls with my fingernails.

I feel:: crazy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Drain S.T.H.~Someone

I've made two new picture galleries today. One contains pictures of some of my friends and the other has pictures of my kitties. I have to search around for the pictures of my friends that I don't have.

I've been feeling rather busy today. I've been working on these galleries and other things on my comp since 11:30 this morning.(First I organized the 459 pictures in my pictures folders into groups and then I started on the lj galleries.) It's now 6:00pm. I feel driven. It's weird. I also woke up early this morning, 6:15, from a very bad dream in which I was fighting off these two guys who were trying to hurt me. I somehow found a gun (dreams are weird like that) that wasn't there before and shot them to death, but then they turned into two of my cats, Little Bit and Mija. I guess that's why I've been so busy all day. I just didn't want to sit and brood about it because it really upset me. I can't believe I could dream of doing something so cruel to my little babies. I wonder what my new Psychiatrist will say about that when I tell her in my next session?

Yesterday, I wrote a formal appeal letter to the Financial Aid office at UALR and attatched proof documents to it and turned it in to them. I hope they give me back my money. It's not like I'm a slacker student. My cumulative GPA is 3.48. When I filled out the appeal form, it said at the bottom that it takes 2-4 weeks to get a response from them. I'm hoping against hope that it will be quicker than that since school starts on the 17th.

I went by the Spanish dept. yesterday as well to see if my advisor was there. She wasn't but one of the ladies in the office was kind enough to take the advising hold off of my account so that I could register for classes. I signed up for Psychology of Women, Drug Abuse and Counseling Psychology. I'm not taking any more than 9 hours for a couple of semesters so that I can get back on track. Anyway, I feel like I'm speeding my ass off right now and I can't concentrate, so I'll end this before I get really incoherent. I don't know where all this energy came from. Weird. Am I having a manic episode? I feel like I could scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush. And I would enjoy it as long as I had music to listen to.

EDIT: It's now almost 8:00pm and I finally feel like I'm starting to wind down. Craziness, man. I feel like the Mad Hatter. A Very Merry Un-Birthday To Me!!

Frustrated. Nervous. Want to self-injure.

I feel:: crazy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: no music just the voices in my head singing various snippets of strange songs

I have my first appt. today with a new Psychiatrist. I'm nervous and on the verge of being panicky. I know that I'm going to have to go into all of my shit with her that I already went into with Anne at the Dorcas House for the past 10 or so months. It's painful. I'm scared of the memories and the physical and mental reactions they produce in me. I have all these "What if" questions: What if she wants to overmedicate me? What if she diagnoses me differently? What if she wants me to be committed? What if she changes my meds and the new meds don't work? I don't want to have to go through years and years of trying to find the right meds and in the meantime feeling like I'm losing my mind. A good friend of mine went through that for 10 years and I watched her steadily go deeper and deeper into her own version of hell. God, I'm so scared of that.

I was supposed to have turned in a financial aid appeal letter to UALR several weeks ago so that I could appeal their decision of cancelling my aid completely, but I have yet to write the damn letter. I'm just frozen. I can't move one way or the other. I finally broke down and got the ball rolling on filing for a psychological disability. My phone interview was yesterday. The lady was really nice, but I had a panic attack anyway after I got off the phone with her. She had to ask me all about my past and why I felt like I couldn't hold down a job; what specific things keep me from functioning-things like that. I tried to speak in a level voice with her, but I kept having nervous, inappropriate laughter and my voice kept breaking because I was just a ball of anxiety. After the convo was over, my body just started to shake all over. I tried to get something to drink, but I couldn't hold the glass. I moved to the sofa and just sat there for what seemed like an eternity just staring off into space and not thinking about anything at all. Tanya was here with me sitting at my kitchen table writing something, so I told her that I was going to lay down for a bit. She said,"We're fixin' to leave." (I ran Tanya around yesterday to do some things that she needed to do because she was running low on gas. Not that I minded. I love her and I love hanging out with her. She can just be really self-centered sometimes.) So, I took half of one of my Klonopin and we left. I'm surprised that I was able to drive and not wreck. What I really wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and disappear.

All in all, yesterday was utterly exhausting. I feel like today will be the same way. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. I'm really thirsty, but I don't want anything to drink. What I want to do is compulsively cut myself up like a side of beef and just bleed to death.

EDIT: I worked myself into a froth for nothing. My new Psychiatrist is really great. She's empathetic and she also does therapy sessions. So, she's not one of those doctors that you just see for 10 minutes once a month who doesn't really get to know you. She didn't change my meds today, but I have an appt two weeks from now to discuss a possible change. She said that she wants to tell me her ideas.

I still feel sort of weird and shaky even 6 hours after my appt. I still feel like I'm running around in the dark. I wish my life was a bad dream that I could just wake up from and everything would be ok. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a fucking loon all the time. I also don't know why I said before that I was afraid of what my friend went through. I am in my own hell. I have been for years.

2 more~I'm feeling prolific evidently.

I feel:: busy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Sarah McLaughlan~Adia


These are also posted in the Fractal gallery.


Purple Haze




Dendrites

6 New Fractals~5 are a variation on a theme as I'm sure you can see.

I feel:: creative
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~Ugly Side

These I also uploaded to my Fractals gallery.


Darkened Heart Sunrise




Rape




Blue




Luminant Sunrise




Through A Screen Brightly




Saturated Phoenix at Sunrise

What is this happy feeling? It's so strange!

I feel:: peaceful
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Rammstein~Du Hast

So, yesterday. I spent it thinking that I wasn't going to go anywhere because Dad said that he didn't have any money. But, yet, when it came time for him to make his usual nightly whiskey run, he sent me instead (Of course, you know I had to buy two bottles, because today is Sunday and there are no liquor sales here on Sundays.) He also sent me out with the mission of getting him some dinner and apparently, he wanted KFC. I didn't have a problem doing this for him. Right before I was about to leave, he asked me, "Do you feel like doing some heavy-duty shopping tonight?" I said,"Well, I don't have anything else to do." So, he gave me his checkbook and told me to go grocery shopping as well, which is a dangerous thing to do. You know, to just give me some blank checks and tell me to go grocery shopping. See, ever since I lived at Ground Zero and went for weeks and sometimes months with little or no food at all, I've had this weird thing about wanting to have my cabinets and fridge full of food all the time. It makes me feel secure. I remember what it was like not to have any food and ever since then, I've been determined not to have that happen to me ever again.

So, back to me and the blank checks. Off I went to Wally World to grocery shop. It was 7pm when I left the house. I had to go by the liquor store first, because I figured that the later I waited the longer the lines would be, being New Year's Eve and all and Dad wanted not only his requisite half-pint of Jack, but also a bottle of White Merlot. Where I live is on the border of quite a few dry counties. So, those who live in them travel to the liquor stores right around where I live to get their supplies because there are clusters of them around here. People refer to it as "County Line", as in ,"I'm fixin' to make a run to the county line. Y'all want somethin' to drink?" You can imagine that last night every liquor store was pretty busy. When I got to the one that Dad likes to frequent, there was only one place for me to park in the whole parking lot, but I got in and out with no hassles. Wally World time. I had a list of specific things Dad wanted. After I filled that list, I felt like I was free to get the things I wanted. You cannot imagine the rationalizations that were going on in my head. For instance, I had to go over to the Health and Beauty area to get Dad's vitamins, so I strolled on over to the hair care aisle and picked up two boxes of hair color, a large bottle of Pantene Shampoo for red hair along with it's mate, the large bottle of Pantene conditioner for red hair. This is what I was thinking,"I'd better buy it now, because I don't know when Dad will open up his checkbook again." Honestly, though, I didn't buy that many non-essential items. I even declined buying a new black ink cartridge for my printer because after looking at how full the buggy was, I thought to myself,"This is going to be about $300 dollars." I was only off by about $30 dollars.

When I got to the check out lane and had loaded all of my many purchases onto the conveyor belt, after the cashier had scanned everything, bagged everything and I had carefully arranged everything in the buggy (because I'm OCD like that), I got out Dad's check book and prepared to write the check for the amount of purchase. I even tried to save time by filling out the check while she was still scanning everything. When it was all done, I handed her the check and she ran it along with my driver's license. While I was watching her do all of this, she frowned to herself. She turned to me with the smallest slip of paper in her hand along with the check I had just written and told me that the check had been declined and that I should call the number on the little sliver of paper on Monday to find out why. Just an aside to this: I may be getting old and my eyesight might be failing (I am a bit nearsighted, but I'm not that bad. I'm only 35 for Chrissakes.), but I don't know why anyone would print that much information on such a small piece of paper. It was smaller than the palm of my hand and the font was even smaller. When she handed me the microscopic piece of paper and told me to call that number, it took me a minute to focus my eyes on the small print and to actually find the number since it was squished in that small space with a shitload of other info. I stood there, stunned, alternately looking at the cashier and looking at the paper she had just given me. She looked kind of guilty and said that she would try to run the check again. So, I called Dad at home and had him give me his DL number so that she could run it with that. Declined again. I was still on and off on the phone with Dad. It was intermittent because, like a dumbass, I forgot to charge my cell the day before. Not only that, but try getting a good signal in a big metal and concrete warehouse with your cell. Good freakin' luck. My phone kept disconnecting me telling me that I needed to charge the battery soon. I was cursing inside my head, wishing the phone could hear and know how frustrated I was with it. After about 10 or so minutes of trying to talk to Dad through a bad signal and my phone arbitrarily disconnecting me, I finally told Dad that if he wanted me to actually leave the store with the groceries that he was going to have to come up there himself with a credit card. (I asked the cashier, at Dad's prompting, whether or not I could just give her his cc number right then and she could run it. After I got off the phone and was waiting for Dad, I realized how stupid that question was and why the cashier had looked at me like I had been smoking crack.) After all of that, I got to sit and wait for Dad to come to Wally World, all the while, my left eye twitching like mad. I can imagine that I looked pretty crazy sitting on the bench in front of Customer Service with an overflowing buggy full of groceries, drinking a Diet Coke, looking particulary miserable and pissed off, with my eye twitching so badly that I looked like I should be down the road at the crazy house instead of walking around a free woman in Wal-Mart. Half an hour later, to my surprise, my cell phone rang. It was Dad circling the parking lot asking me irritatedly where I was. I told him that I was inside. He hung up abruptly and then called me back about 5 minutes later wanting again to know where I was. I said,"Park, come inside, take a right and I'm right there." He said, with complete surprise,"Oh! You're inside!" I said, flatly,"Yeah, Dad, they don't just let people walk out of here with an assload of groceries without paying for them." While Dad was negotiating parking, the cashier who had previously rung up all my stuff had apparently gotten off work. She came by the bench where I was sitting and asked me if my dad had a long way to travel to get there. I said,"Well, he's 75 and handicapped, so it's going to take him awhile to get inside." She looked guilty again and said, "Bless his heart! I feel bad now for making him come out so late!" (That's a very southern thing to say, by the way. You can say almost anything about someone and it can be as bad as ever as long as you say, "Bless his/her heart" afterwards, because that, apparently, makes everything all better. For instance, someone could say something really catty like, " Oh my God, that skirt is so short, I can see her ass. Her momma must have not taught her how to dress, bless her heart." It's a southern thing and I don't even really understand it myself.) Finally, I saw Dad walk inside. I waved at him to get him to notice me and, with a groan, wheeled the buggy over to where he was. He handed me one of his credit cards with a curt, "Take care of it." I looked around for a cashier right then and there was none to be found. I thought that was kind of weird, so I went around to the front side of the rows of cash registers to find all of them huddled in a circle giggling about something. I tapped the closest one to me on the shoulder and said,"Excuse me?" He swung around fast, eyes wide, hands fluttering up towards his chest and squealed,"OH MY GOD, GIRL! YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!" Amused at finding the only cashier in the Bryant Wal-Mart who was a queen, I apologized and said that I was a bit startled too. He calmed down and put his hand on my shoulder as we were walking to his register and said,"I'm sorry, honey, I just get scared real easy." Then, I was privvy to a very long story about just how jumpy he was. After he finished his story and I was running Dad's credit card and without stopping for breath, he said," Oh ma God! I just luv your purse!" (Maybe I've found another shopping buddy?) Finally, Dad and I felt free to make our way to the overlarge exit to leave with our purchases. As we were walking out and passing the detectors that every Wal-Mart has at the front door, I heard a "Bong!" Then, the pre-fab, emotionless voice saying, "You have activated Wal-Mart's inventory control system. Please step back and an associate will help you." Great. The door greeter came up and I had to give her the receipt. She pointed out almost immediately what she thought it could be that was setting the alarm off. I looked at her tiredly and asked, hoping she would say no,"Do I have do dig that out?" Thankfully, she didn't ask me to go spelunking for that particular item. I don't know what she did with my receipt, but she disappeared for a couple of minutes and then returned all smiles, gave it back to me and wished Dad and me a Happy New Year. As we were walking out, Dad turned to me and said sarcastically,"I think Fort Knox would be easier to break into."

Dad helped me load everything into the trunk of my car, took the booze, and said he was going to go home and have a drink. By that time, it was 10pm and KFC, which is what he said he had wanted for dinner, was closed. (I was asking myself at that moment,"Why the hell did I just buy all these groceries?") He said that he wanted instead, a cheeseburger from Sonic. So, off I went again on my new mission to procure the cheeseburger. On the way, I remembered that while we were loading groceries into my car, I heard my cell ring Tanya's specific ring, 'Girls,girls,girls'(Motely Crue. She adores them). Right after that, it rang again the ring I have it set for another of my friends, Tanner, 'Aerials'(System of a Down). I called Tanya. She said she was sitting at the pub waiting for the band to start. She then started to try to convince me to come out with her. I don't know what happened, but between my ordering the burger and then a few minutes later, paying for it, she had talked me into it by offering to pay my way. I told her, "Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?" I got home at about 10:30, threw the groceries into the various empty spaces in the kitchen cabinets, gave Dad his burger, fed the cats, got dressed, fixed my hair and make up and was out of the house by 11:40. Dad kept harrassing me as I was getting ready, telling me how little time I had left to get to the party before the clock struck the new year.

I got to the pub about 2 minutes after they rang in the new year. I was offered a complimentary glass of champagne as soon as I walked in the door. I saw Jesse, who is very handsome and whom I went shopping with once,(I was already in the mall and happened to see him there. I think I went with him to buy socks.) but never really get to talk to, sitting at the bar. I chatted with him for a few minutes and then turned to see another friend of mine, Jerrod,who is another one of my guy friends who is irritatingly handsome, sitting right behind me. I talked with him for a few minutes as well and then made my way back, or rather, up front to where Tanya was already sitting. I got lots of hugs from people there that I knew and didn't know wishing me a happy new year. I sat down beside Tanya and noticed a man sitting to my left that I didn't know. He looked to be about 50ish, salt and pepper hair, and wearing one of those pointy party hats with the chin strap. When I first looked at his face, I knew that he was really drunk. He was swaying in his seat and his eyes were dull and glassy. He told me the same story all night about what wars he had fought in and how he had been a P.O.W. in the first Persian Gulf war. I felt bad for him that he had experienced all of that and yet, at the same time, I wished fervently that I could just disappear into the floor. He also told me that his wife had died 21 years earlier and that he still thought about her every day. After which he said bluntly, "Can we date?" By this point, if anyone was watching me, they would have noticed that I had moved as far away from him in my chair as I could possibly without completely falling off of it. I think I had part of one butt cheek resting on it. Every time he would lean toward me drunkenly to speak, I would lean away from him. (By the way, Tanya, thanks so much for abandoning me for greener pastures while he pawed and slobbered on me. :P) Before he finally decided that I wasn't worth his trouble, he introduced me to someone he knew as his new wife. Yay. I just love stalkers, don't you? Anyway, things got markedly better after he left. My friend Micheal showed up and he came to sit with us. Also, I saw two guys that I worked with at Juanita's 10 years ago, Tracy and his cousin. Tracy was pretty knackered. As we were in conversation at one point during the night, he said, laughing, "Every time I see you, your breasts look bigger." Immediately followed by the too obviously casual question, "Are you seeing anybody?" I couldn't help but laugh.
All in all, I had a really great time last night. I find myself being really surprised that I did. I always try to have fun on New Year's Eve, but instead, wind up just driving around trying to find something to do, because every place wants you to give them ridiculous things like money to get in. That's something I hardly ever have. The band was great, despite the fact that they didn't play the one song that Tanya and I wanted to hear. I guess I can overlook that. :) We hung around and closed the bar down. After the lights came on and I was waiting for Tanya while she was talking to someone, this random guy plopped himself down at my table unsteadily and said, thickly,"I've been watching you all night." I guess I must have looked at him some crazy way because he then said quickly (as quickly as a shitfaced person can), "You look scared. I'm gonna go now." I thought to myself, "What else am I supposed to be?" Super. Fantastically superb. I've gained another stalker. I told my friend Micheal what happened when he sat back down. He said,"Oh, just be flattered, but in a scary way."

Despite the preponderence of shitfaced idiots, I got a New Year's kiss from someone who was not among that group and whom I wanted to kiss (imagine that). It wasn't exactly on the turning of the New Year (it was later on that morning), but just the same, I enjoyed it. What is the significance of the kiss exactly when the bell tolls anyway? I never have known. I have never enjoyed myself like that on New Year's Eve, so I find myself now feeling very thankful. Thanks, Tanya, for talking me into going out. You are my sister, you are in my soul, and I love you. Thank you to the guys for being so genuine. Thanks Billy for the great kiss. Happy New Year y'all.