11.1.06

Frustrated. Nervous. Want to self-injure.

I feel:: crazy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: no music just the voices in my head singing various snippets of strange songs

I have my first appt. today with a new Psychiatrist. I'm nervous and on the verge of being panicky. I know that I'm going to have to go into all of my shit with her that I already went into with Anne at the Dorcas House for the past 10 or so months. It's painful. I'm scared of the memories and the physical and mental reactions they produce in me. I have all these "What if" questions: What if she wants to overmedicate me? What if she diagnoses me differently? What if she wants me to be committed? What if she changes my meds and the new meds don't work? I don't want to have to go through years and years of trying to find the right meds and in the meantime feeling like I'm losing my mind. A good friend of mine went through that for 10 years and I watched her steadily go deeper and deeper into her own version of hell. God, I'm so scared of that.

I was supposed to have turned in a financial aid appeal letter to UALR several weeks ago so that I could appeal their decision of cancelling my aid completely, but I have yet to write the damn letter. I'm just frozen. I can't move one way or the other. I finally broke down and got the ball rolling on filing for a psychological disability. My phone interview was yesterday. The lady was really nice, but I had a panic attack anyway after I got off the phone with her. She had to ask me all about my past and why I felt like I couldn't hold down a job; what specific things keep me from functioning-things like that. I tried to speak in a level voice with her, but I kept having nervous, inappropriate laughter and my voice kept breaking because I was just a ball of anxiety. After the convo was over, my body just started to shake all over. I tried to get something to drink, but I couldn't hold the glass. I moved to the sofa and just sat there for what seemed like an eternity just staring off into space and not thinking about anything at all. Tanya was here with me sitting at my kitchen table writing something, so I told her that I was going to lay down for a bit. She said,"We're fixin' to leave." (I ran Tanya around yesterday to do some things that she needed to do because she was running low on gas. Not that I minded. I love her and I love hanging out with her. She can just be really self-centered sometimes.) So, I took half of one of my Klonopin and we left. I'm surprised that I was able to drive and not wreck. What I really wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and disappear.

All in all, yesterday was utterly exhausting. I feel like today will be the same way. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. I'm really thirsty, but I don't want anything to drink. What I want to do is compulsively cut myself up like a side of beef and just bleed to death.

EDIT: I worked myself into a froth for nothing. My new Psychiatrist is really great. She's empathetic and she also does therapy sessions. So, she's not one of those doctors that you just see for 10 minutes once a month who doesn't really get to know you. She didn't change my meds today, but I have an appt two weeks from now to discuss a possible change. She said that she wants to tell me her ideas.

I still feel sort of weird and shaky even 6 hours after my appt. I still feel like I'm running around in the dark. I wish my life was a bad dream that I could just wake up from and everything would be ok. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a fucking loon all the time. I also don't know why I said before that I was afraid of what my friend went through. I am in my own hell. I have been for years.

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