My Mama Always Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Rammstein

I'm sitting here at my computer, anxious and drinking Red Bull, thinking about the test I have this afternoon in my Applied Psychology class. It's only over the first three chapters of the book, but Dr. Moore passed out a list of possible questions for the test and there were 166 of them, of which he said there would be only 13 on the test. I'm overwhelmed and I am finding that I can't function this morning. I was going to get up and start studying, but I've been up for an hour and there has been nothing going on with me, except for my sitting at the computer. I have been doing the reading assignments all along and I thought I understood what was going on, but now, I'm not so certain. Is Dr. Moore doing this on purpose? Is this some sort of strategy to weed out people he thinks are weak or unpromising? I don't understand why he would deliberately give something like that to students, knowing that it would increase anxiety levels, two days before the first test. I don't understand why it has to be that way. There has got to be an easier way to approach this. I mean, if he is only going to pick 13 questions, why give out a list of 166? Why not give out a list of 40 or 50? That is still a substantial number from which to choose. God, please help me not to go into shut-down mode.
I took my first test in Physical Geology yesterday. It wasn't bad, but Tanya was there in the library with me when I was trying to finish up the last part of my focal points that we can use for the first ten minutes of the test and she was so anxious that I couldn't get anything done. She was having a panic attack and all I did was try to reassure her. Is it selfish of me to feel irritated? I feel selfish and like a notverygood friend. She is so scared that she won't be able to make it through her classes and she needs so much support and I'm the only one around to help her, that it gets to me sometimes. I'm not trying to puff myself up and point out what a great person I am for being there for her. What I'm trying to say is that it gets in the way of my studying. Sometimes, I can't take more than three words of notes at a time before Tanya will interrupt me needing reassurance about something. Don't get me wrong. I love her. She is in my heart and my sister. Am I being co-dependent? Is our friendship becoming one-sided? I feel like I don't have any time for myself because I'm so focused on getting her through her next test or her next paper. I feel like I need time for myself. I feel like I need her to be there for me sometimes. I feel like I'm on the verge of panicking and what I really want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel like I can't deal with the world today, but if I do go back to bed I will dissappoint myself, let Tanya down because I am supposed to help her with her paper later, miss my Applied Psychology test, miss Health Psychology and miss Water Aerobics, which I love. Damnit. Why am I so afraid? I should go pray.

A Paper I Wrote For A Health Psychology Class On My Overall Wellness

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: some John Legend song

Wellness?

According to the Wellness Wheel, I scored highest on "Self Responsibility and Love", which is surprising to me because although I knew I was pretty responsible (barring any wild hairs that might crop up), I don't think that I love myself enough. Maybe I should just say that I don't love myself in appropriate ways. I don't reward myself in appropriate ways. If I decide to go shopping as a reward for a good semester or a month of consistent exercise and proper eating, I don't just shop; I pull out my Super Shopper cape and throw money around like I'm the Queen of Sheba. That's not very responsible since I don't have a lot of incoming money. I am working on finding more appropriate ways to reward myself. For instance, I take someone with me when I go shopping now to keep me in check; to tell me that I don't really need everything I think I want. Another thing, I don't engage in drunkenness often, but when I do, I go out feeling like I've earned the right to drink myself into a stupor. What kind of messed up thinking is that? The next day, while my whole body shakes so from low blood sugar that my bed constantly vibrates, I rue the day that I ever thought getting drunk was a reward for anything. It's more like a punishment. There are some good things that are good about me in this section. For instance, I belong to a church and I pray with more than three people more than once a week. So, I guess I'm pretty social in that regard. I'm not very political, although I can recognize useless political rhetoric when I hear it. I've been told that I have a good B.S. Meter. I think that's a fair estimate. I know more than three of my neighbors. The couple next door, on our left, has 2 dogs: a boxer and a boxer-ish-looking one. The husband's name is Quaid. He just got his Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering. The couple across the street has two children. Their mother, who is my age and a homemaker, makes cookies for my dad and has her son and daughter bring them over. The children make him little crayon cards with things like, "We love you Mister Bob!" I never thought I would live in Leave It to Beaver-land.

The second section "Breathing" I scored only 2.3, though that is not my lowest score on the Wellness Wheel. Breathing is not really something I think about unless I can't breathe, which does happen sometimes. I have terrible allergies and when I inhale certain things, like pollen, my lungs close up. It's scary and terrible. I also get awful respiratory infections which sometimes turn into bronchitis. I guess I should pay more attention to how I breathe on a moment-to-moment basis. I would probably have a lot more energy if I didn't breathe so lazily and shallowly. One thing that occasionally inhibits my breathing is my corset if I lace it up in the wrong position. If it's too high, then it compresses my rib cage, then I have trouble even breathing shallowly. There was a time when I wore it daily and only removed it to bathe. When my two best girlfriends started noticing and telling me that my lips were sort of purplish; I stopped wearing it every day. Now I only wear it when I go out, which is not that often. I also learned how to lace it so that my rib cage is not constricted, which makes it a lot more fun to wear, not to mention a lot more comfortable. My stress level gets high sometimes, as I suppose is normal and understandable since I am a human and I do live on this Earth, but the ways I deal with my stress are not exactly healthy. If my stress is on a prolonged high level, I vacillate between anxious and angry. I can be depressed for half an hour and then, all of the sudden, be angry about something that happened in 1976. It's hard sometimes for me to deal with what is at hand. I've gotten a lot better though. I've learned to take one thing at a time and to admit that I have limitations. I can now admit that I can only do my best and no more. I'm not going to kill myself to help someone move when I've already got a full plate with school and work. In short, I've learned to say, "No." I've also been experimenting with more effective ways to manage my stress. I've been exercising consistently for the last four months at least three to four times per week. I do water aerobics, treadmill walking, yoga and swimming. I particularly enjoy the water aerobics and swimming. There is something about being in the water that calms me. I also love hearing the sound of water and have thought seriously about buying one of those white noise machines that have surf sounds to play when I am asleep. I think it would take me to a good place dream-wise. There are short moments when I feel at peace with myself and that everything will be okay. Like I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing. Those are fleeting. Most of the time, I feel like I hope I'm doing the right thing; I think I'm in the right place and everything will most definitely not be okay. I want and strive to be more of the former and less of the latter.

In the section called "Sensing", I scored low also. The things that stand out to me most on the question sheet are the ones about being comfortable being touched by someone or reaching out to touch someone myself. I'm not a very touchy-feely type of person. I have a feeling that I would have been had my childhood not been so nightmarish. I love to give and receive hugs, but only from people that I feel are not threatening or intimidating to me. This means that the people I come in physical contact with the most are my friends who are mostly girls, although I do have some guy friends, and the children of my friends. I love children. I guess it's because I feel like I never was one. Mainly, I keep my personal bubble quite wide. An example of this is a couple of semesters ago a guy, with whom I was acquainted, came up behind me unbeknownst to me and goosed me in the ribs while I was walking to class. I had a panic attack. I don't know how to get over this not wanting to be touched feeling. I have been recently trying to tell those I love that I love them more often than I have in the past. I say, "I love you" to at least four people a day. When I was growing up, the only time those words were ever uttered to me was after the "I'm-sorry-I-just-beat-you-with-my-stilleto-heel-I-promise-I-will-never-do-it-again" statement or the "I'm-sorry-I-pointed-my-loaded-.357-at-you-but-you-shouldn't-have-been-standing-in-front-of-it" statement. At that point "I love you" just seems really hollow and pointless.

"Eating" is interesting because my eating habits go in phases from pretty healthy to downright dangerous. Needless to say, I scored low on that one too. I have occasional binges, though not as much now as last year. I never really purged. I used laxatives on occasion, but that was just too gross, so instead, I would fast for long periods after a binge and exercise compulsively. I don't like water, unless it's flavored, and I love soda, which means I'm probably partially dehydrated most of the time. I have been recently trying to drink soda only on the weekends and tea, juice or water for the rest of the time. I've been semi-faithful with that. I do recognize that I have more energy when I drink less soda and more stamina when I intake less caffeine. I am hyper vigilant about the foods that I eat, even if I choose to binge I know exactly how many calories I've ingested and how long it will take me to exercise them away. Lately, I have been making a concerted effort not to look at the calorie content of what I eat and just choose healthier things, like wheat bread over white and to control my portions. I also made a decision that I am not going to feel guilty ever again for eating something that I like. The guilt triggers fasting and binge eating. For instance, tonight I had chocolate cake. I don't feel badly about myself for eating it. I just ate it because I was having a bad day (My childhood friend died yesterday and I found out today.), I was with one of my best girlfriends and we dug into the cake together and had a good time being giggly on the sugar high. It took me a long time to figure out the difference between eating a little of what I really like and binging on what I really like, although once I binge on something I usually don't like it after that. I think it has something to do with my mental vision of all that food rotting in my stomach. I haven't binged for at least a year. I haven't relapsed into anorexia for two years. It's always there, though, like a brooding death specter to pull me down into despair.

I scored about the same in the section called "Moving" as I did in the "Eating" section. I would like to point out how proud I am of myself for exercising consistently for the last four months. Before this, my usual pattern was to start off exercising really hard for a couple of weeks and then quit when I exhausted my energy and health. It seems like I have a hard time finding the "middle way" as one of my Buddhist friends would say. I have trouble doing anything moderately. I'm either at full throttle or nothing. This has been a great challenge to me to be consistently moderate with my exercise. I have had to consciously be aware of my heart rate during exercise and how my body is feeling. I learned through my water aerobics class over the summer what it feels like to exercise at the right and optimum heart rate for me. What's funny to me is that it turns out that the best heart rate for me is when I'm not exercising that hard. I don't have to push myself to my ultimate limit and feel like I should pass out when I'm done. I can actually enjoy myself now when I work out. I remember just the other day telling myself how good it felt to be using my muscles and it really did. I wasn't lying to myself.

"Feeling" is one of the sections where I scored the lowest. I have problems experiencing some emotions. On a normal day, I go from irritated and exhausted, to feeling sort of happy, and back to irritated again with a healthy dose of exhaustion and anger thrown in. I do experience some happiness. Being with my best girlfriends makes me happy. We laugh a lot when we are together. It seems that everything becomes funny then. Also, children make me happy. I know they can be a pain sometimes, but I honestly don't mind that. When I get a big hug or an "I love you" I put away the tantrums and back talking and focus on that moment. I can't really explain how much I love children.

I scored fairly high on the "Thinking" section, which doesn't really surprise me. I think about things a lot. That's quite a change from about fifteen years ago when I was merely a spectator of my own life. I have done a lot of taking responsibility for my thought patterns and actions. I have also actively tried to speak to others in a way that I would like them to speak to me. I don't always, however, use this awareness to my advantage. I'm very prone to brooding. I'm comfortable in that place because it is so familiar to me. The only thing that pulls me out of the cavern of my thoughts is when I think about God. When I pray, I focus on the needs of other people and people that I love. That usually yanks me back to reality and out of pity pot sitting.

I don't play enough. I find that when I have time to play, I waste it watching television or being on the computer. I should be doing something like practicing the Hula Hoop in the back yard or working with my fractals or playing my guitar. I really wish that I had a tree big enough in my back yard to hold a tree swing. I think I would play on that a lot. I like to indulge my inner child, but the problem comes when I chastise myself for being too childish. I'm not sure of the line between what's just fun and what is reverting or escapism. For instance, when I was a little girl I loved Hello Kitty. I still love Hello Kitty. One of my best friends works at Books-A-Million and they have a whole aisle of Hello Kitty things in the children's section. I find myself getting lost in it whenever I go there. Is this appropriate for a woman of thirty-five? I'm not sure, but I indulge myself anyway.

The second highest scoring section for me was "Communicating". I have worked hard on my communication skills and, although they are still lacking in some areas, I believe that I have made great progress. In particular, I am much more likely now to take into consideration another person's point of view. I may not always agree with them, but I am able, now, to agree to disagree. Several years ago, my attitude was, "I'm right. You're wrong. I know what's best for you. Don't question me." How arrogant that was. Through life circumstances, I have been brought down the proverbial ladder rungs, whereas before, I was a bit too big for my britches, so to speak. I can't say that my life has not been painful, it has, but I think now I am in a better place mentally and emotionally because I was put in positions that I never thought I would be in; done things I never thought I would do; and said things I never thought I would say. There's nothing like actually being in someone else's shoes to make one appreciate their situation.

When I saw that there was a section on sex, I knew that I would score low on it and I did. It was my lowest score on the Wellness Wheel. Let me first say that this does not surprise me one bit. Sex is scary because there is nothing else you can do with your body to get so close to someone. Being that close and that vulnerable is scary. I have never liked intromission. I find it painful. I bleed sometimes after or during intromission, which also scares me. My sexual history is not pretty. I have experienced childhood sexual abuse in the form of incest that lasted ten years and I have been raped four times. So, I guess it's no wonder that I don't like intromission, but I do like most of the other stuff. If I am inclined to allow it, I enjoy nearly everything except that. I go through phases of sexual activity in my life which range from promiscuity to total abstinence. The only thing I can say to explain my past promiscuity is that I was looking for something. I'm not really sure what. Was I seeking love? That seems a poor way to go about it. Was I seeking affirmation of my physical beauty? Possibly, but it's so fleeting when I go about it that way because the affirmation doesn't come from within me. I have to rely on someone else to give it to me and that puts me in a position of powerlessness. I don't like the way I look most of the time. I hate looking at myself nude in the mirror, so I only do it occasionally. I actually have very few mirrors in my house. The largest one I have is on my dresser in my bedroom, but I've covered up all but a sliver of it by putting a television, a PS2, games and videotapes in front of it. The mirror in my bathroom is the only other mirror and it is totally unobstructed. When I get out of the shower, I am forced to see myself in all my un-gloriousness. I look only for a minute, just long enough to adjust my towel, and then I leave the bathroom for my bedroom. I don't know what to do about this. I have thought about getting one of those pens that writes on mirrors and writing myself affirming statements every day on the top of my bathroom mirror like, "LOOK AT ME!" or "I AM PRETTY!". My mother does something similar to her bathroom mirror, only she writes several sentences and gets into philosophizing about life, which winds up covering the entire mirror. I think she's missing the point.

I scored my third lowest score on the "Finding Meaning" section. Ever since I became a Christian, I have believed that the only way to find meaning in life was to seek God. God is the meaning of and the reason for life. I still think that, but now, I'm more inclined to believe that God gave me the ability to think and to reason and I should use those gifts to the best of my ability, instead of waiting for God to magically appear to me from a burning bush and throw some magic beans so that I can climb the beanstalk to heaven and find out what the meaning of life is. I used to lie in my bed at night and wish to die so that I would be in heaven with God, but at the same time, feel guilty for not having the stomach to take my own life. I was just hanging on by a frayed string waiting and yearning for Jesus to come back and take me. I don't live my life like that anymore. I think now that that was a cop out. I was just too scared to face the world, but more than that, to face my past and what that represented. I still can't wait to be with God on the final day, but I have learned the hard way that I need to go about my life and try to enjoy myself. I see life more now as a gift than a curse, although I do still have my moments of desperation and wanting to die. I can remember wanting to die from a very young age, so I imagine that those tapes will be with me for the rest of my life and it will be up to me as to whether I allow them entry into my life or not.

In the last section, "Transcending", I scored pretty high. I firmly believe in a supernatural world that operates all the time that I can't see. I feel it sometimes and it enters into my dreams also. Mostly, I respect it and fear it. I believe in God and I know that there are angels. I also know that the Devil is real and that demons are real. At one time in my Christian life, I was a "devil behind every door person", which means that I attributed everything that went wrong to something demons did. Talk about being paranoid. I now know that the Devil is not the opposite of God, but his creation; a fallen angel. He is powerful, but not all-powerful. God is the only all-powerful being. I believe that I am a spiritual being and that my spirit will continue to exist indefinitely after my fleshly body has died. I believe that it is my spirit that is God-given that makes me alive and makes me who I am. I rely on God for instruction on how to deal with the spiritual world. In my opinion, to do otherwise would just be foolish and dangerous. I don't always do the right thing when it comes to dealing with the spiritual realm, but I keep trying to recognize it in my daily life and in the lives of others.

Me After Eating Cheerios=Boring

I feel:: sleepy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Pink Floyd~Another Brick In The Wall Pt. 1

I went to the Health Services office the other day at school and had my blood sugar checked. Normal range is anywhere from 80-120, according to the nurse. Mine was 81. So, not too bad, but I felt like the living dead. I was sweaty, shaky, nauseous and dizzy. She made me lay down on the nice, comfy bed they have and had me eat peanut butter crackers and drink Sprite and OJ. I felt tons better after that. She also told me that she didn't know why I had experienced the green stuff. She looked for it in her medical books, but only found that it is related to something eaten or something drunk. I have no idea what that was. It was weird, though. The nurse told me to go and get a blood sugar monitor, which I did the other day. When I went to the pharmacy to get it, the pharmacist told me it was free. I said,"It's free?" He said,"Yes, it's free." I asked again, "It's totally free?" He said again,"Yes, it's totally free." I couldn't believe it. Tanya was with me and he offered to give her one too and she was all, "It's free?"
I checked my blood sugar three times yesterday. At about 8am it was 38, then at about 4pm it was 117, and finally at about 11pm it was 88. This morning, it was 86, so I guess I'm not doing too badly except for the 38 reading. So, I'll not bore anyone any longer by recounting my blood sugar levels.

By the way, I'm supposed to be at work right now. Actually, I was supposed to be there 15 minutes ago. How can I hate it so much when I've only been there such a short time?
I'm going back to bed.

The Worst Pain I Have Ever Experienced In My Entire Life

I feel:: sick

My day: Continuous, unbearable pain and loss of bowel control. It lasted 6 hours. I sweated so much that I lost 5 pounds. I wanted to go to the hospital, but I couldn't make it to the phone and no one was here to drive me. Having a period sucks majorly. The funny thing is, during the whole 6 hours of hell, there was no blood at all. 3 Extra Strength Tylenols and one and a half Darvosets later, I finally made it to my bed to lay on my heating pad when the people directly behind my house decided that they were going to have a backyard pool party. The music was so loud that the walls of my house vibrated. Yay, that made for some good sleepytime music. When I woke up, I had to go grocery shopping because Dad never buys groceries for the house. Driving on Darvoset. That was so fun, not to mention negotiating the too-brightly lit and too crowded Wal-Mart. When I got home, dad was drunk and watching football. He took a break and helped me put the groceries away, but every time he came near me, he reeked so of whiskey that I thought I would be sick. So, all in all, a pretty shitty day. I don't know what I want to do now, cry or eat ice cream.

Wanna Hear Something Gross?

I feel:: drained
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Pearl Jam~Oceans

This morning, I was getting ready to go to Geology lecture when I had a sudden cramping in the lower region of my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to drop the kids off at the pool. Except the kids weren't solid. They were mostly liquid and green. I mean super green. After my 20 minute potty time, I felt really dizzy, weak and nauseous. I went to the kitchen and drank 16oz of vanilla soy milk. (I can't drink regular milk anymore. God, I'm getting old.) I still felt super dizzy and weak, but I figured I would stop on the way to class and get something to eat. I headed out the door, got in my car and drove the few blocks to one of the neighborhood stores to buy food. I went in and picked up a bag of Chex Mix and a bottle of Ruby Red Grapefruit juice, all the while noticing I was getting dizzier and that my hands were going numb. Before I could get to the register to pay for these things, I fainted. I wasn't out very long, but it scared me nonetheless. I gathered what was left of my senses, payed and walked gingerly out to my car and drove, very slowly, home. I'm lucky that I was only a few blocks away from my house. I pulled into the garage and my dad was standing at the door and said,"Did you forget something?" I said,"No, I just fainted at the gas station." He asked, "Have you eaten anything for breakfast?" Me: "No, not yet." He said,"That's probably what's wrong. Well, come inside, eat something and try it again." I walked inside with my bookbag, which felt incredibly heavy, dropped it on the kitchen table and staggered to my tv room and fell into my big chair. Several things were going through my mind at that point. The major thing was that I was thinking that this was a particularly bad spell of low blood sugar. I know that I'm hypoglycemic, so despite wanting to blow chunks, I opened my bag of Chex Mix and had eaten about half of it when I had to make a mad dash for the bathroom again. This time, it was darker and greener than it had been just half an hour before. I was also weaker,dizzier and more nauseous than I had been the first time. After that, I had to hold on to the wall to make it to my bedroom. I looked at the clock on my bedside table and it said 12 noon. I fell asleep and when I woke up, the clock said 7pm. Tanya called me a few minutes after 3pm wanting to know where I was. I told her what happened and she said that it sounded like I was having high blood sugar, which to my knowledge, has never happened to me before. She told me sternly to stay away from carbs and sugar and I agreed with her thinking that that was probably the best course of action. After our convo, I fell asleep again directly. When I got up, I was searching the kitchen for something to eat because, even though I was still dizzy, my stomach was cramping because I was so hungry. It was then that I realized that everything in my kitchen is a carb of some form. I was afraid to eat anything, so I ate a granola bar. I read on the back of the package that it had 11g of sugar. As I write this now, I'm still dizzy and I have the mother of all headaches, but I have not had to make anymore emergency bathroom trips. I'm not as weak as I was, but I'm still leery of driving anywhere, so I ordered a pizza. Thin crust, veggie. I'm waiting on it to be delivered now. We'll see if my body rebels again after I eat it.

If anyone has experienced something similar, I would appreciate any advice you have to give as I'm totally in the dark here.

Falco (cool) And Freaky Christians (not so cool)

I feel:: bouncy
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: FALCO!

First of all this fucking rocks.

Secondly, there were these odd people on campus today holding these ridiculously ginormous signs that said something to the effect of,"THESE ARE THE LAST DAYS. JESUS IS THE ONLY WAY NOT TO BURN!" or "TURN AWAY FROM YOUR SIN NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" I'm not quoting exactly, but you get the idea. Well, after I had gotten my daily iced vanilla latte from the new and totally fab coffee shop we now have, I was making my way to Physical Geology class when I spotted one of the afore mentioned signs attatched to a really thin blond girl. The first thing I thought was,"How in the hell can she hold that up?" As I walked past her, she caught my eye and thrust her hand out to me, with a tract hanging tenuously from it, saying," You need Jesus." I said,"I already have Jesus, thanks." She screwed up her face at me and thrust the tract at me again saying,"Yeah, but what does that really mean?" Irritated, I said, curtly, "I don't have time to discuss this with you right now! I am on my way to class!" From there, I turned away from her and quickly walked towards Fribourgh Hall where my Physical Geology lecture is only to run into another one of those hugungeous signs attatched to a rather large, muscular man who was wearing the pointiest cowboy boots I have ever seen and the most ten gallon lookin'- ten gallon hat I have ever seen. He was busy at that point trying to press a tract into another person's hand, so I made my way past him unaccosted. I walked into the blessedly cool air of the lecture hall and found my usual seat. A few minutes later, Tanya came in and sat down beside me. The first thing she said was,"Did you see those people outside? They make Christians look like looney people!" I sat back in my chair (as much as I could since I have a broken tailbone) and thought for a minute, gathering more and more righteous indignation and blurted out loudly, "If anyone does get saved because of them, are they going to stick around and disciple them? Are they going to get involved in their lives and be their friend? Are they going to love them? No, they'll split once their shift is done and never look back!" That little outburst earned me not a few stares from the rest of the class. Yay. I had a mind to go up to one of them after class give them a few pieces of my mind, but alas, they were gone. I knew they would be. I really can't stand that "turn or burn" stuff. It turned me off before I became a Christian and even more so now that I am a Christian. It doesn't show any of Christ's love for people at all. It's just pointing a wagging, accusatory finger and saying,"YOU'RE A SINNER! YOU'RE GOING TO BURN!" I have absolutely no patience for that rhetoric and will not tolerate it. [/rant]

In other news, while I was in the library, in the quiet zone, studying Geology earlier, I let fly a belch so loud that it reverberated off the library walls. Thankfully, I was in a little cubicle by myself, so no one could definitely say it was me. HA! I didn't mean to really, I was just so involved in studying that I just didn't notice it sneaking up on me. I normally don't do that type of thing. Really. *winkwink*

God Has A Plasma TV And A Fuzzy Recliner

I feel:: geeky
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Over The Rhine~Poughkeepsie

I was talking with a good friend of mine earlier while in the library at school about how we both feel going through our lives. She said that she felt like she was constantly on her own version of The Truman Show. Like God would put her in situations or put people in her life and then sit back and take notes on how she reacted. I can identify with that, but I feel more like God is sitting in his celestial Kick-It Room with a God-sized plasma television (just hanging there attatched to nothing) watching us all, all the time while he's hooked up to Godtv (it's gotta be better than cable). I can envision him sitting in his comfy, fuzzy (it's upholstered with angel's wings, don'tcha know), God-sized recliner with a HUGE remote for the TV with buttons on it that represent every person on the planet. He flips channels only it's real people's lives that he's watching.

Really, though, I know that God does more than just watch. I know he's involved in the minutae of our lives, but sometimes it just feels like he's not there or if he is there, he's just not doing anything. Maybe he's playing PS2 and got caught up in it and didn't realize how much time had passed. Ridiculous idea, I know, but what is happening when there's just....nothing? It's probably me. I'm the one addicted to PS2.