28.9.05

My Mama Always Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Rammstein

I'm sitting here at my computer, anxious and drinking Red Bull, thinking about the test I have this afternoon in my Applied Psychology class. It's only over the first three chapters of the book, but Dr. Moore passed out a list of possible questions for the test and there were 166 of them, of which he said there would be only 13 on the test. I'm overwhelmed and I am finding that I can't function this morning. I was going to get up and start studying, but I've been up for an hour and there has been nothing going on with me, except for my sitting at the computer. I have been doing the reading assignments all along and I thought I understood what was going on, but now, I'm not so certain. Is Dr. Moore doing this on purpose? Is this some sort of strategy to weed out people he thinks are weak or unpromising? I don't understand why he would deliberately give something like that to students, knowing that it would increase anxiety levels, two days before the first test. I don't understand why it has to be that way. There has got to be an easier way to approach this. I mean, if he is only going to pick 13 questions, why give out a list of 166? Why not give out a list of 40 or 50? That is still a substantial number from which to choose. God, please help me not to go into shut-down mode.
I took my first test in Physical Geology yesterday. It wasn't bad, but Tanya was there in the library with me when I was trying to finish up the last part of my focal points that we can use for the first ten minutes of the test and she was so anxious that I couldn't get anything done. She was having a panic attack and all I did was try to reassure her. Is it selfish of me to feel irritated? I feel selfish and like a notverygood friend. She is so scared that she won't be able to make it through her classes and she needs so much support and I'm the only one around to help her, that it gets to me sometimes. I'm not trying to puff myself up and point out what a great person I am for being there for her. What I'm trying to say is that it gets in the way of my studying. Sometimes, I can't take more than three words of notes at a time before Tanya will interrupt me needing reassurance about something. Don't get me wrong. I love her. She is in my heart and my sister. Am I being co-dependent? Is our friendship becoming one-sided? I feel like I don't have any time for myself because I'm so focused on getting her through her next test or her next paper. I feel like I need time for myself. I feel like I need her to be there for me sometimes. I feel like I'm on the verge of panicking and what I really want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel like I can't deal with the world today, but if I do go back to bed I will dissappoint myself, let Tanya down because I am supposed to help her with her paper later, miss my Applied Psychology test, miss Health Psychology and miss Water Aerobics, which I love. Damnit. Why am I so afraid? I should go pray.

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