My Silver Kitty Is Sick

I feel:: crushed

I had to take her to the vet this morning. Last night she threw up some clear liquid and she acted like she wasn't feeling well. Today when I woke up, I found some brownish-green mucus on the floor that smelled really acrid. The vet just called and told me that she is running a temperature of 105. That's really high. I'm supposed to go back there at 4:00 and talk to him. He said that he was going to take some blood and run some tests on it and that he wants to make sure that her kidneys are functioning properly. I'm so worried about her.

Two Poems

I feel:: accomplished
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Sarah McLaughlan

~Sleepy~
Scarves floating like ghosts
Twirling and twirling
tickling my knees
Silken pink slippers
playing gypsy dancer
Gossamer wings
to fly and flit
peltals waiting on the wind
floating softly
fairy boats on the water
Dappled sunlight
playing warm on white stones
mermaid sunning
blue-green wetscales
and Ophelia's petal-hair
Siren songs
sing sweetly
of Secret Gardens
follow blackbird
to the iron-keyed door
where swings are twining vines
swallowed in sweet scent
of pollen bees buzzing slowly
Leprechauns have houses of gold
where the rainbow ends~
-------------------------------------

~Mother~
I wondered why that spot inside of me was so vulnerable.
That secret place I had tucked away in a far corner of my heart.
Growing dusty in the attic of my mind.
That traveler's trunk of insecurity,
locked securely and strapped tightly.
Yet I walked into your the room of your mind,
into the dim interior of your idiosyncrasies,
and you opened that rusty trunk as if it had never been locked.
I know... I know...
I told myself over and over,
that I am not those things you think,
not those things you say.
I bled everyday as the lies I swallowed became razors in my throat.
Working their purpose
destroying me from the inside out,
bleeding away all of my self-esteem
all of my security,
all of what is me.
I was sick unto death and my hatred of you grew and grew
until it became its own entity.
Living and breathing,
the stench of the cesspool of vileness it exhaled
morbidly intoxicating,
replicating,
doting on its horrid spawn,
cultivating more and more
of me.
And building upon itself seared my vision
white hot with insurmountable rage
and lashing out wildy in the end,
uncontrollable,
I imagined that you were dead.
That I had cut you to pieces
and left you in a quivering, bloody heap.
And then I vomited up all of the sickness
and all of the lies
you fostered
that I believed
and I felt relieved.~

I Used To Name My Periods

I feel:: bitchy

like the scientists name hurricanes. You know, according to their personalities. I have no idea where I was going with this. Cramps suck.

Craziness

I feel:: crushed

I just got back from seeing King Arthur. Good movie. When I came out of the movie, I was walking toward my car and there was this tiny little kitten running away from me. It was so tiny. So, I called to it and it stopped for a second then started to run away from me again. I followed it and it just kept running from me. At one point, it was hiding in the grass (there's an empty lot next to the movie theater) and it was just crying so pitifully. I couldn't catch it. I lost it in the tall grass. I must be crazy, because on the way home in the car I broke down and started crying. I feel so bad for that little kitten that I'm all shaky now. I even thought about going back to the empty lot with a flash light and trying to find it again. It was just so pitiful and scared and it has no one to take care of it. Now I'm all depressed. Well, I was already depressed, but I'm more than I was before. I can't get that little face out of my mind and I keep hearing it cry.

I Don't Know

I feel:: depressed

whether I should be sad or not. A part of me is and a part of me is relieved. Erik and I are over. I didn't hear from him or see him for two weeks. He called my cell phone while I was in the Blue October show on the 26th, so I called him back. That was on a Saturday night. He said that he would call me on Sunday and that he wanted to come over and see me on Monday night. Sunday-no call; Monday-no call and no show; Tuesday-no call. Wednesday I checked my voicemail and there was one from him on Tuesday afternoon at about 2pm. He said that his boss came into the radio station and talked to him until 11pm. He is a dj and he gets off the air at 7pm. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I don't think he sat at the radio station and talked to his boss for four hours. Even if he was there like he said, it would have taken him all of 3 minutes to call me and tell me that he couldn't come over. I didn't know what to think when he didn't call and didn't come over. I called him back on that Wednesday and he said that he had tickets to go and see Spiderman 2 that night and asked me if I wanted to go. I said sure. So, when I talked to him later and asked him if we were still going, he said that he didn't have any tickets. Again, call me paranoid, but that makes me think that he's seeing someone else. Also, the other day, he came over to my house, but didn't talk to me. He only talked to my dad. I was asleep, but I would have gotten up. He returned a PS2 game that I had leant him. I think that's weird. So, I took him off of my lj friends list. I just read his lj and he said that it's over between us because we are just too different in our beliefs. I still think he's seeing someone else. So, yeah, that's where I am now.

Amazing

I feel:: angry
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Blue October~James

How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax.
I touch your still frame.
So I can watch you closer and study the ways I believe I belong to you.
To you.
So I, scratch at your waist line your doll hair.
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow.
So I make you my religion, my collision, my escape goat.
So, have I found your secret weak spot baby?
Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing.
Instead of what we both know.
I cut to the punch line, baby.
Can we pretend I'm amazing?
Instead of what we both know.
And now our history is for sale.
And for that I apologize.
You see you're my only know how, a study of when I believed I belonged to you.
To you.
You see I've made you into something more delicious, my sweet ghost.
So, have I found your secret weak spot baby?
Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing.
I cut to the punch line baby. Can we pretend I'm amazing?
Instead of what we both know.
~Blue October