Secret Sunday

Tuesday Afternoon Tunes-Videos de Fado

Mariza~O Gente de Minha Terra








Ana Moura~ Fado de Pessoa

Happy Birthday To Me

So, yesterday was my birthday. I'm 38 now. Funny how I don't feel any older. I just am. I've also begun lately to have these dreams again where I'm floating through people's houses I don't know. I know I'm not supposed to be there and the whole thing is exciting and terrible at the same time. I can remember having these same dreams as a child and wondered if I had slept-walked during the night and broken into other people's houses. Now, I think it's me taking a tour, so to speak, of the other parts of my personality (or personalities). When I was in therapy, all of my therapists discounted dreams as nothing more than the inane ramblings of the subconscious mind. I don't think so. I think some dreams can help you see into yourself and figure some things out. You just have to know which dreams to count as meaningful and which are not.

I've finally come out of my latest funk. The voices have calmed down quite a bit to where I can tell them to fuck off and they do. The biggest thing that helped me come out of it this time was that my best friend, Ashley, came over to help me clean my apartment. When I get really depressed, my apartment gets pretty bad. I don't wash the dishes, sweep, mop or anything. My apartment still isn't totally the way I want it, but at least the majority of it is clean and that makes me happy. I also got a Dyson Animal and Allergy vacuum for my birthday. That makes me happy too. Now, I can actually do something about all the cat hair that is all over my furniture and everything else in my apartment. I love my Dyson. It's heavy and hard to push and pull across the carpets I have, but it works like a dream. For me to be excited about anything regarding cleaning is a momentous occasion.

I've been turned on to a new kind of music that I love. It's called Fado. The only artists I've listened to so far are Mariza and Ana Moura. I'm totally in love with Fado. I'll be getting my hands on as much of it as possible.

It seems as though, for right now, fortune has chosen to smile on me. Although I don't yet have a job, I've been able to get new living room furniture thanks to my dad. My cats had ruined my other sofa due to their penchant for peeing on it. So, I couldn't sit on it and I wouldn't let anyone else sit on it. It was useless. I made the trip over to North Little Rock and found a store that had really nice furniture and a lot of it on sale. I got a mossy-green chaise lounge with a matching chair that you can put at the end of it or take off and move around; a neutral blue ottoman/coffee table and a blue/cream/tan/dark blue/white striped armless chair. I know it sounds like all that doesn't go together and that it would be atrocious to look at, but it's not. It looks great and I love it.

I'm also waiting, very impatiently, for an XBox 360 to arrive along with 3 or 4 games that I got for my birthday along with a little 13" Hello Kitty tv with dvd player. You could say that I pretty much got everything I wanted this birthday and more. It's hard not to sound materialistic here (I'm not really.). It's just that I've gone so long without having pretty things that don't smell like cat pee. I'm really excited to finally be able to sit in my living room and actually enjoy it.

Monday's Secret

Secret Mother's Day

The Greatest Silence

The Greatest Silence:Rape In The Congo

If you haven't seen it. See it.

I blogged about this several years ago, but no one was really paying attention then. No one really cares about violence unless it affects them directly.

Shite Shite And More Shite

I got this from Pippa. She's funny like that and I really needed to snort and cackle like the booger picking 5th grader I really am.


Shit Be Gone - The World's Coolest Toilet Paper
Shit Be Gone cleans up your unpleasantries like a champion among toilet paper. How funny would it be to have this sitting in your bathroom during a party, or when your Aunt Vivi stops by? Come on. This is awesome. This is pure fifth-grade-humor hilarity.

Shit Be Gone toilet paper is pillow soft and 100% recycled. Also, it's 2-ply, so it's tough enough to handle your messiest jobs without tearing or falling apart. This isn't a cheap gag toilet paper. This is the real thing. Actual quality. You could use this stuff every day.

Stock up on Shit Be Gone for your office supply cabinet! Watch your co-workers come rolling of of the bathroom, laughing so hard they can't even use it.

Here at Isdera Corp. we have Shit Be Gone in the executive bathrooms. Actually, this would be true if we had executive bathrooms, we just have two bathrooms. We have a ladies room and a filthy men's room. We use ShitBegone in both of them, although the men's room seems to use much more of it.

ShitBegone. Because it has to go somewhere.

500 2-ply sheets per roll.

This is real tp. You can order it here: ShitBeGone

This reminds me of a story I heard a few years ago (because everything reminds me of a story). A few years ago a product came out called WeedBeGone (betting that's where ShitBeGone got the idea). As it happened, around that time I was in a church service where the pastor was talking about the WeedBeGone product in his sermon. He was saying that if we only could look at the Devil the same way we do weeds then we could just tell him to "Be Gone!" in Jesus' name. A few weeks after that sermon, I was with my boyfriend at the time, Micheal, at a little get-together over at the house of a couple who were friends of his. They had a little boy who was around 4 years old. After dinner, the boy disappeared into the back yard and after he was gone awhile and everyone was looking for him, we heard from the back yard, "Fear Be Gone!" repeated over and over. We all went outside to see the 4-year-old standing right next to the fence of their neighbor's yard (who had a big dog that the boy was afraid of) pointing accusingly at their dog and yelling, "Fear Be Gone!" He said he learned it from listening to the pastor's sermon at church. I guess in the mind of a 4-year-old, the big dog next door is the Devil.

Wouldn't it just be really funny if someone took that principle to the bathroom? This is exactly what I thought of when I saw the ShitBeGone toilet paper. Having spent some time in the "name it claim it" churches, I wouldn't be surprised if someone tried to banish their shit in Jesus' name. I just want to see it on You Tube.

I Looked Up "Painless Suicide"

I'm in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I don't want to leave my apartment, eat much, clean or anything else. I just sit here on the internet, watching tv or sleeping. It depresses me even more when I can get some perspective and move outside myself to see myself from outside (if that makes any sense).

I try so hard to support myself and to be independent, but when I get going it seems like I have these low points. It's hard to get motivated. I mean, I bought a sofa cover, chair cover and some decorative pillows for the living room the other day and that was good. It makes the living room look better. They already have to be washed, though, because of the cats sitting on them and shedding. It's things like that that make me feel so overwhelmed. I feel like no matter what I do it's not enough; it's not good enough.

I laid in bed this morning thinking about work and how good I felt the last time I went (the temporary job I have at FTD has been cutting hours because they've hired too many people). At the same time, though, it's like I don't even want to go. I think that my life is so empty and that it's going nowhere. I could go back to school, I want to, but I think that will also wind up bad; that I will start to fail my classes like I did before.

I know that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I've been pretty much stagnant since the rape in '96. I only fully realized that a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if it's a matter of letting go, forgiveness (mainly of myself) or what. Do I need to discipline myself and if I do how long will it last? Will I become so rigid like I was before? Is that even the right way to go? I am looking for a way out of this, but I don't see one. It's so frustrating. I can't stand the wanting to die every single day. I can't stand the way I feel-the despair. Even when I feel relatively good, it's still there waiting in the back of my mind. Like another person.

I don't know what to do. And it's not even like the wish to die is even wrought with tears anymore. It's more like I'm so calm about it and that's even scarier I think. I feel so empty and purposeless. I can only see a lifetime of this and I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I can't bear it. I need a way to get out from under it and that fucking suicide voice is always there ready and willing to talk to me. I hate it.

I've been buying lots of little girl stuff lately. I think it's an effort to destress myself and to try to get the voices to be quiet. It doesn't really help, though. I feel ok for a few hours and then I'm right back to square one. I need something permanent.