Thursday Thirteen #5

Thirteen Things about Anias Nin

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The List



1. Last night, while pre-heating the oven for what I was hoping to be some tasty chicken enchiladas, I realized when the oven had completely pre-heated that I had forgotten to take the boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts out that my dad bought the other night, out first. The boxes didn't catch fire (thank you Lord), but the doughnuts look a little worse for wear. All the icing and stuff has melted off of them, but hey, they're Krispy Kremes, they're definitely still quite edible.



2. My psychiatrist lowered my dosage of Klonopin last week and I am so much more clear-headed now. I'm even dreaming again, which I wasn't doing (or at least I wasn't remembering them) when I was on the higher dosage. And (bonus) I have not had any more urges to self-injure. Last night, though, after I ate my chicken enchiladas, I was so full that I kept having thoughts of purging. I didn't, though. I just kept thinking, "If it's not one thing, it's another. The damn voices (I realized last night where those particular voices were coming from and they weren't my voices.) just never stop. The obsessive thoughts lasted for a couple of hours, as long as I could feel that my stomach was full. I kept massaging it in a vain effort to make it digest the food faster so I wouldn't have that full feeling thinking that if I didn't feel so full that I wouldn't keep wanting to run to bathroom and vomit.



3. I had a dream last night that my dad remodeled the house and made it a four-bedroom/3 bath house. Of course, it was his bedroom and bathroom that were the add-ons. The dream was so detailed. It was amazing. When I told my dad about it this morning, I told him that in my dream, he had this huge bed with a huge wooden headboard and footboard. I asked him, "Did you ever have a bed like that?" He looked very surprised and said, "Yes, but I haven't had that bed since you were little. I can't believe you remember it in such detail." Strange, isn't it? The things that come up in dreams. That's not the first time that I've "remembered" something in a dream from my early childhood that was very detailed. My parents kind of freak out when I tell them about things like that.



I can only thing of these right now, but later on today, I'll finish it. I think I have brain block or brain drain or whatever. I just can't concentrate.



EDIT: Ok I'm a lazy bum. I'm going to try and finish this list. Not that it's a chore or anything. I just find these days that it's harder to concentrate than it was before I started taking my crazy meds.



4. While I was surfing blogs yesterday (Wordless Wednesday), I came across several blogs that had music that automatically started when the web page loaded. I also came across this when I was surfing on Blog Explosion, Blog Mad, and Blog Soldiers. Now, I have nothing against music, perse, I listen to music all the time. It's a very important part of my life. That's the thing, though, when I'm looking at different blogs, I most likely have some music playing and to come across a site that has it's own music playing almost sends me into panic mode. It's like sensory overload. I don't expect those who have music that starts automatically on their blogs to take it off just because of me. I just have a question: Why? There are music hosting sites where you can get code to put on your page that doesn't start automatically. I don't mean to make anyone angry or to offend anyone. I think it's a very creative idea to have music on your page, just not the kind that starts whether you want it to or not. I think people should at least have a choice of whether or not to listen to the music that is put on blogs. Ok, that's the end of my soapbox standing.



5. I have, in my garage a perfectly fine vacuum cleaner. It's relatively new and, by all accounts, should work fine. Except for one thing. It eats belts. I went to the Sears satellite that is in the next town over (because the only store besides gas stations in my town is the Dollar General) and bought a little bag of about 3 or 4 belts for the vacuum cleaner. I now have one left. Here's what happens: I replace the belt. I start the vacuum cleaner. It works great for a few minutes, then I start to smell burnt rubber. I take the hood off that covers the working parts (it's an upright) to find that the vacuum cleaner has melted the belt. Ok, I'm not a neat freak by any means, but occasionally (like once or twice a month or whenever I get the urge) I'd like to be able to use my vacuum cleaner. Why is it that I paid all that money for a vacuum cleaner that was supposed to be top-of-the-line and it only worked right for the first month I had it? Damn, I didn't even get kissed.

6. I've effectively stopped going to class, so in a few days I'll have to go up to the campus and drop the three classes that I've been trying to finish. Dammit. This is the third (or is it the fourth?) time that this has happened to me and it's because of my mental problems. God, I only have 3 more Psych. classes to take before I get that degree and maybe about 5 or 6 more Spanish classes to take before I get that degree. I'm so freakin' close to finishing. I have a 3.5 cumulative grade point average. It's not like I'm stupid. I can do the work. It's just that sometimes I can't leave my house or I have a panic attack in the middle of class or I get so depressed that I don't finish or even start projects/homework that I know I'm supposed to do. Yes, I'm on a new med, Lamictal, but I'm not up to the dosage I'm supposed to be yet and the titration is agonizingly slow. So, I'm going to have to write yet another letter to the Financial Aid board explaining the fact that I'm fucking crazy and hope to God that they give me back my financial aid yet again. Jesus, I'm so tired of this. I can't even describe the anxiety it causes. Sometimes, when I try to go to sleep at night, I'm so wound up worrying about it that I have what's called "pseudo seizures" where my entire body spasms in different places at the same time (or in rapid sequence) and I cannot for the life of me control it. Talk about feeling crazy. That does it for me even if (by some miniscule chance that nothing else has happened) nothing else does. This is what permeates my daily life and I f***ing hate it.



7. I've discovered that I really like boxing. I watch it whenever I can when it comes on HBO. I don't know what it is about two men beating the shit out of each other that I find so interesting, but nevertheless, it glues me to the television and I get very irritated if I'm interrupted and have to leave the action (read: Dad has something that he wants me to do right now that could be done at any other time, but he gets obsessed over some things and wants me to do them ASAP.). My favorite boxers are (in no particular order): Wladimir Klitchko, Manny Pacqeou, Jerome Taylor (he's from Little Rock, so you know...) and some others that I can't believe I can't remember just now. I can't tell you guys how surprised my dad was to walk by my tv room one night and find me watching boxing. The look on his face was classic. Really. I wish I could've taken a picture.



8. I sent in a letter to the Financial Aid board on another matter: the one where the twat in the Financial Aid office (my FA advisor) screwed me out of my entire Pell Grant and then refused to admit it. I explained to them how she made that egregious error, refused to admit it and treated me so harshly and so rudely that an abuse memory was triggered. Tomorrow it will have been a month since I sent that letter. On the generic FA form I had to fill out and turn in with my letter, it said that the FA department has a 2-4 week response time for this type of thing (they also say that for my other letters I write when I appeal to get my financial aid back but the reply seems to be quicker with those). You know, to some people $1500.00 dollars might not seem like a lot of money, but to me, it's a mint. I only got $677 dollars back as my FA refund because of the twat's mistake. I tried to make it last as long as possible. I got the check in September-it's now the end of November-and I have $.15 cents in my bank account. Setting aside the fact that I think I managed what little money I had well, the fact is, I have no money. I need that Pell Grant money. Yes, I live with my dad, but that doesn't mean that he gives me money. He gives me $10.00 dollars here and there for things like toothpaste and tampons, but other than that no. I mean, I can't go asking him for money all the time. He's retired and on a fixed income and that income he has is stretched enough already with the house payment, electric, gas, car payments for both of our cars and other things. Thank God I have food stamps or I'd have nothing to eat, because the only thing Dad buys are crackers, bread and whiskey. He eats out for almost every meal. So, tomorrow, I guess I'll be calling the FA department at school, bite the bullet and talk to the twat about the delay in processing (or whatever else is going on) with my Pell Grant money. I expected to have it by now. You know, I'd really like to buy Christmas presents for my friends and family. Dad told me not to worry about buying Christmas presents, but I love to give gifts and Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (It takes some doing to get past all the shit that's thrown at you during Christmas-time, but I try not to watch too much tv and to ignore all that stuff. I just try to live in my own little Christmas world.), but it's important to me. Am I wrong to be this way?



9. I missed Celebrate Recovery tonight because I was too scared/embarrassed to go, so I took a bunch of migraine medicine and that knocked me out for about 3 hours. I don't know what I'm scared/embarrased of. They've never been anything but supportive of me. I feel kind of (really) stupid for letting those fears stop me from going to a place I know will help me to recover from my issues and being around people I know at least like me and are very supportive of me. Yes. I'm guilting myself. I think I have enough guilt for several people. *sigh* Hopefully, I can make it to church on Sunday.



10. I cleaned my tv room today. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I COULDN'T VACUUM THOUGH. Even still, it looks so much better and there's no longer just a little trail between stuff on the floor from the door to my chair. I feel like I accomplished something. Yay me. Maybe before the New Year, I can muster up the motivation to pick up the clothes and shoes in my room.



11. I watched a documentary on HBO the other night called "Thin". It followed 4 women who were inpatients at a facility that specialized in the treatment of eating disorders. Wow. I identified hardcore with those women. It was so graphic that I almost was triggered, but it was the fact that the documentary not only focused on their eating disorders, but also, them-their daily struggles, their personalities, their families-that kept me from purging that night. (See #2)



12. I've eaten Krispy Kremes for three days in a row. I'm afraid to get on the scale. My blood sugar and my allergies are totally out of control as well. Me-->alllergic to dairy and anything that has wheat products in it. The definition of self-punishment: eating things you know you're violently allergic to and that will make you feel like shit, but you do it anyway just because you have a craving. I must be PMS-ing. Is that T.M.I.? Oh well, most of the stuff on here is anyway. I don't know why I'm worried about telling everyone that I'm a PMS monster right now.



13. Wow. I made it to 13. For a person who said she didn't have much to say today I blabbed a lot. The last thing I have to say is that I hate that VISA commercial where everyone is standing in line for food and everything is flowing smoothly. The cooks are flowing with each other; the customers are flowing with each other. Just because everyone is paying with their VISA check card. Then, one guy comes up and pays with cash and the whole process takes a jerky fall. The cooks can't get their thing on; the customers drop their food and look around like someone just shot a gun and yelled, "I'm robbin' this place!". Ok. Here's the thing: On the surface this seems funny, but if you read between the lines this commercial is saying to us, the buying public, that if we use cash we are subverting the system; throwing a wrench into it so that it doesn't work as smoothly. Everytime I see that damn commercial I keep thinking of Revelation and the part where it talks about that no one can buy or sell anything without the "mark". Hello? Cashless society anyone? Yeah, maybe I'm paranoid; maybe I'm a conspiracist, but regardless, that commercial irritates the crap out of me.