I Cry Only Because I'm Selfish

My friend of 16 years, my brother in Christ and in my heart, died in his sleep on Friday night. The doctor's never did find out what was wrong with him, even though he'd been seeing some for the last 6-8 months. There was a full autopsy ordered. I can't bear the thought of someone treating him like he's just another slab of flesh, but it would be nice to know what caused him to die. His body hasn't been released to the funeral home yet due to the continuing autopsy, so no one knows when the funeral will be.

I know he's with God, but I'm just so selfish that I shake my fist at God and demand that He bring him back like He did Lazarus. Seriously, though, I'm sure he'd rather be with God.

I just want him here. I want him not to be dead. I feel like someone (i.e. God) sucker-punched me.


Blogger incurable hippie said...

Oh my, I'm so so sorry. For what it's worth, I don't think it's selfish of you to be grieving. Cry, cry and cry as much as you need to. You must miss him terribly, and the wondering of what on earth happened can't be helping.

Angry is understandable, and imo totally acceptable. Grief is horrible.

Hang on in there xxxx

July 29, 2006 8:24 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thanks so much, girl. It's hard, you know. I never realized how much. I've never lost someone close to me before. I've never felt pain like this. It's terrible. It's like I never know when I'm going to break down. One minute I feel just fine and then the next, I'm totally freaking out. Sometimes, though, the crying only lasts a few minutes. Just a few tears, but the ache in my heart never goes away.

July 29, 2006 1:33 PM  

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