5.2.09

Miss Perfect And Her Tea Party


I feel like I've been floating through my life for the past year or so and only lately has it occurred to me that I don't like floating. I guess it served it's purpose for the time. I'm so awesomely good at dissociation that I disconnected myself from my life. I've been feeling like I'm dissatisfied and that I should be doing something besides merely existing. What does that mean anyway? To exist? I feel like I've sloughed off something dead and in it's place is something angry, anxious and ready to move. I haven't been on any psych meds for at least 6 months so, I guess we'll see whether or not I can function outside the Nexus of dissociation I had created for myself.

Awhile back I had discussed with Beautiful Dreamer about the possiblity of me having mulitple personalities. I'm still not sure that I don't. I asked her if she had ever heard of someone being one personality for a long period of time (say six months or a year) and then transitioning to another for a long period since it seems like that's what happens to me. She suggested that I might be transitioning a lot more than I realized. That I may not notice it if I had been doing it since I was a small child. (I channeled Miss Perfect today and cleaned house like a fiend. I actually thought about putting on my fifties style dress and heels and then baking a huge cake. I actually felt like I was outside of time. It was a little weird to say the least.)

I've had a boyfriend (that term seems a bit sophmoric for me since I'm 38, but there you go) for the last 7 months or so, which is also weird. It's weird because we kinda-sorta dated before about 10 years ago. I've never re-dated anyone before. It was disastrous, at least for me, before and I'm not so sure it won't be the same now. I see some changes in him, but in some ways he's still exactly the same. I guess that's to be expected. After all, we never really change that much. We just become more clearly ourselves, in my opinion. Anyway, I'm having trust issues. I haven't told him, but he may have figured that out on his own. I am reluctant to go into specific details of what's been going on because whatever he is, he does deserve his privacy. And whatever he is, I love him. I learn a lot about relationship things from reading Adventures In Stepford's blog.

I guess that's all for today. I really just natter on, don't I?

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