17.2.09

The Fat Voices



(Written a few nights ago.)
I looked at the scale I stood on in R’s bathroom last night and realized that I was reading it wrong. I should never have gotten on it. I know better than to do that to myself. It said that I was somewhere around 230 lbs. I didn’t stand on it long enough to count those tiny lines all scales have if they aren’t digital. It bothered me seeing that. What I realize now is that what bothers me more is that it took a few minutes for me to come out of my fat-denial to read the damn thing. At first, I even read it wrong. It was like my eyes saw the number on the scale, but my brain couldn’t comprehend it. I thought it said 200 lbs when I first looked at it. Like I said, I should never have gotten on that stupid thing. The scale is, and always has been, my enemy.

All last night I struggled with my voices, all of which can be crueler than anyone else has ever been to me, telling me that I was a fat bitch(you would think they would be more creative by now, right?). It was disconcerting and uncomfortable. I haven’t had to deal with them for a few months. I guess the whole experience was a trigger. I actually felt heavier last night after I stepped off the scale even though I know it was only in my mind.

I spent most of last night, after I got home from R’s, on my computer. First of all, because it kept my mind busy enough that the voices couldn’t creep in and set up house. Secondly, it gave me the opportunity to look on the internet for some weight-loss strategies. I Googled “how to lose 100 pounds” and read through several different people’s opinions on the best ways to lost that much weight. I decided to go with the low-carb option. I’ve done it before and had some success with it. The major problem with low-carb is that, though it works well, I tend to gain weight really fast if I go off of it for any length of time (How do you think I got to be in the state I’m in now?). So, once I get to where I want to be, body-wise (not weight-wise), I’m going to have to be vigilant about watching my carb intake. I’m really not trying to be obsessive and I don’t think I’ve reached that point quite yet, but here’s what I finally realized last night: If I don’t get going now and really try to control my weight, eventually I’ll be one of those people who never get out of the house and can’t wipe their own asses because of all the fat. Good God that is a scary thought. Scary enough to motivate me, I guess.

I don’t intend to just diet. I intend to start walking in my neighborhood with my mp3 player to keep my company. I don’t have the money for a gym and I loathe them besides. So, it will have to be walking. I also recently purchased a used Dance, Dance Revolution game for my Xbox 360, which is like a video game but you play it with your feet. It gets me moving and it’s challenging sometimes. What I like is that I control the pace of it. I get to pick the songs that strike my fancy. I know that the walking, especially, is going to cause me some considerable pain for awhile. My right hip (mostly the right) gets to hurting when I walk too much, but this has to be done and there is no way around it. Some things just have to be borne, I suppose. I should probably just go ahead and stock up on Advil.

Maybe this time I’ll succeed where so many times before I failed. Food is not the enemy, although it seems that way most times. It is my attitude toward food that has to change and the way I think of myself must change. When you get down to the nitty gritty, I suppose the problem is not really with my body. The problem is with my head; more specifically, what’s in my head. My thoughts of myself are damaging 80% of the time and destructive thoughts are right behind that. They’ve always been that way.

One of the weight loss tips I read about was to tell people you are trying to lose weight. So, I'm telling people. Here's hoping.

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