I Looked Up "Painless Suicide"

I'm in a funk that I can't seem to shake. I don't want to leave my apartment, eat much, clean or anything else. I just sit here on the internet, watching tv or sleeping. It depresses me even more when I can get some perspective and move outside myself to see myself from outside (if that makes any sense).

I try so hard to support myself and to be independent, but when I get going it seems like I have these low points. It's hard to get motivated. I mean, I bought a sofa cover, chair cover and some decorative pillows for the living room the other day and that was good. It makes the living room look better. They already have to be washed, though, because of the cats sitting on them and shedding. It's things like that that make me feel so overwhelmed. I feel like no matter what I do it's not enough; it's not good enough.

I laid in bed this morning thinking about work and how good I felt the last time I went (the temporary job I have at FTD has been cutting hours because they've hired too many people). At the same time, though, it's like I don't even want to go. I think that my life is so empty and that it's going nowhere. I could go back to school, I want to, but I think that will also wind up bad; that I will start to fail my classes like I did before.

I know that mentally, emotionally and spiritually I've been pretty much stagnant since the rape in '96. I only fully realized that a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know if it's a matter of letting go, forgiveness (mainly of myself) or what. Do I need to discipline myself and if I do how long will it last? Will I become so rigid like I was before? Is that even the right way to go? I am looking for a way out of this, but I don't see one. It's so frustrating. I can't stand the wanting to die every single day. I can't stand the way I feel-the despair. Even when I feel relatively good, it's still there waiting in the back of my mind. Like another person.

I don't know what to do. And it's not even like the wish to die is even wrought with tears anymore. It's more like I'm so calm about it and that's even scarier I think. I feel so empty and purposeless. I can only see a lifetime of this and I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I can't bear it. I need a way to get out from under it and that fucking suicide voice is always there ready and willing to talk to me. I hate it.

I've been buying lots of little girl stuff lately. I think it's an effort to destress myself and to try to get the voices to be quiet. It doesn't really help, though. I feel ok for a few hours and then I'm right back to square one. I need something permanent.