Hello Kitty Loves Me

I've been in generally a good mood for the last week or so, except that sometimes I find myself losing my temper and wondering to myself when I became such a raging bitch. Everything irritates me lately and I seem to have no patience for anyone or anything. At the same time, though, when I'm quiet or trying to go to sleep (which is hard enough), I am overcome by negative emotions, negative self-talk, sadness, despair and a strong wish to die. It's almost like if I stop moving, my mind or my body, then that is just there waiting for me. I read on Beautiful Dreamer's Journal that she has this overwhelming wish to die sometimes too. She said that it is when she is grieving the loss of her original self before the abuse happened; before her original self died and the rest of her split into so many pieces like a shattered mirror. I never realized that a person could grieve for the loss of a part of themselves. I mean, it makes total sense now that I think about it. I'm surprised I never realized it before.

I think that when these feelings come on me suddenly that I'm grieving for the loss of my original little girl. I realize only now why I have so many little girl things; why when I go to a big store I find myself in the toy department wondering how I got there and why; why I buy little girl things and keep them all over my apartment. I still have all of my stuffed animals and dolls from when I was a little girl. I don't hide them. I keep them out in my room. They are part of what make my room a sanctuary from the rest of the world. I feel like when I'm there, I don't have to have my guard up. Now that I'm not living with Dad anymore, it's more like my whole apartment is my little girl sanctuary. It's not all that way, but parts of it are: like my Hello Kitty lunch box; oversized Hello Kitty pillow and my Hello Kitty area rug.

I remember being conflicted about wanting to be that little girl and at the same time wanting to be grown-up me. I wanted to reconcile them both. Now, I realize I don't have to reconcile them. I can be them both with no fear of repercussion. I have given myself permission to indulge my little girl; to give her the love and acceptance she never got but always craved; to treat her like the princess she always was and is.

It's a little freedom; a tiny insight, but it means a lot to me.

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