Not Crazy Enough

So...I had somewhat of an emergency-type situation yesterday. Voices in my head...strong urge to self-harm...suicidal thoughts...overwhelming depression. I tried to take Kate's advice and have myself committed for a few days, but no one will take me because I have no insurance and because it wasn't determined that I was a significant enough threat to myself or others for the guys in the white jackets to come haul me away.

As of today, I've missed two days of work because of this. If I miss one more day I lose my job. My supervisor gave me a choice: I can either come back and not miss any more days until I'm eligible for sick time (which will not be for another couple of months) or she can let me go and label me as eligible for rehire. When I told her what was going on she got scared of me and now doesn't even want me to come back there. She's afraid that I'll sneak off somewhere and slice myself up or down some pills or something. I should never have told her anything. I'm fucked like I usually am.

I've been online all morning submitting resumes to various jobs, but this will happen again I guarantee it. It always does.

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Blogger Kate said...

Well, crap.

Keep trying. Ain't no other options. I don't even know what you should be trying for, but keep on.

February 21, 2008 10:21 PM  
Blogger Anais Nin said...

Well, I talked to my supervisor again today and told her that I would be back tomorrow and that I would just have to try my best not to miss any more days. I can't be late either, by the way, or...you guessed it...I get fired.

You know, at one point in my twenties and early thirties I thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. I love kids, but now I'm thinking that if I ever have any kids that I'll pass this genetic fuck up on to them and I don't want to be responsible for that. I couldn't stand to watch a child of mine go through what I go through every day. I still would like to be a stay-at-home-wife, though. It's not because I don't want to work. I do. I just don't want to work for someone else. I hate letting other people have control of my life. I would like to be able to stay at home and work from home. I have my art. My fractals. Everyone who sees them just drools over them and wonders why I don't sell them.

So, I've decided to take 45 dollars (which is what it would take for me to get one of my fractals from digital to canvas) and take it down to this place here in town called Southern Reprographics and have them put it on a canvas for me from the disk I have all my artwork on. There is a lady who owns a shop in my neighborhood who only sells local artists. When I went to talk with her about this about a year ago, she said if she liked my work that she would display it and sell it for me.

It's a start, right?

February 22, 2008 12:35 AM  

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