I Always Thought Not Being Average Was Something To Be Proud Of

I've run into a couple of different walls in my apartment today. As weird as it sounds, I do it nearly every day and not with like....my elbow or some other part of my body that one would normally associate with bumping into walls and it's not like I'm super clumsy either. I run into walls with my breasts. You know that saying, "You know you're 'insert body part here' is (are) too big when...

I've been thinking about that ever since I got home and had to hold one or the other of my breasts while cursing in pain. At first I was cursing them as well. I really don't like breasts and I'm not trying to titilate here or be pornographic. I just don't like them. Mine, I mean. Then, I thought about the fact that my body takes up more than the average amount of space and then realized that I don't hate just my breasts. I hate the fact that my entire body takes up so much space. Also, does taking up space equal taking power? Am I afraid to be smaller because smaller means weaker? You know, I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I really never thought I might be afraid of being physically smaller. I always thought that was something I wanted. This is Psych 101, right? I know, deep thoughts for a gal with a Psych degree (and gosh darnit people like me...).

I know a woman who is so proud of her bigness and the simple fact that she does take up space and that she does eat. I aspire to have that mindset. I think maybe once I'm not so afraid of my own body, I might not be so afraid of the rest of the world. Sound like a good idea? If anyone has any suggestions for me on which way I could direct myself to start on the path of loving my non-average body, I would lovelovelove to hear them.

My best friend bought me a some Buddhist prayer beads that are made into a bracelet and I have started wearing them every day. Whenever I get stressed, insecure, or...whatever I chant silently with them in my hands. It helps. I don't think it's the beads, though. I think it's me choosing to change my perspective by focusing on what's really important in the moment. The beads are just a tool.

Also, does everyone spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning and just generally straightening up when they are at home? I know it sounds like silly question, but I feel like I spend all my free time doing just that. Sometimes I don't mind doing it everyday, but other times... I keep trying to tell myself that I just moved into this apartment 2 months ago and to give myself time to get every little thing unpacked and put in it's place, but I'm getting impatient with myself. I feel like I want to do everything in one go, which is of course, nonsense. I have far too much junk, books, knicknacks, dishes and other whatnots to be able to do that. (Patience grasshopper.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like my life centers around my job and my home. I suppose this is a similar experience for all women? I've just never been this domestic-goddess-y before. It's probably the age. Oy.

I've got to take my old ass to bed.



Blogger Kate said...

I'm not a putterer now - I set aside time for cleaning, and usually once I get started I work longer than planned, but I wouldn't say it fills my spare time. BUT. That's how I am in a place I've lived for two and a half years. We're unpacked. We're settled. It's all just daily clutter now.

When I'm new in a place (and "new" usually means a good 6 months or so), I spend a lot of time unpacking and cleaning and puttering, until it all feels right. Home needs to feel familiar and comfortable, and then I can deal with the other nonsense of life much more gracefully.

As for the body image thing, I think we're trained, and trained hard, to hate our bodies unless we devote hours and hours per day into forcing them to be something they're not, naturally, meant to be. We're trained to love what is consciously formed, and hate what happens under normal daily activity.

I don't know the answer for it. I prefer to be smaller only because I don't like being the superlative at almost anything - I don't like being the biggest or the smallest in the room, I don't like being the best or worst dancer on the dance floor, I don't like being the loudest or the quietest in a meeting. I won't ever - at 5'10" - be the smallest, but there are lots of times when I'm the biggest. I lost enough weight last year that I'm not *always* the biggest, which is nice, but still. You get the idea.

February 07, 2008 9:57 AM  

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