4.2.08

Furious and Frustrated Monday

I woke up thinking (wishing) that time could be turned back so that I could be in my twenties again. I've missed out on so much. I wanted to have a baby. Now, it's too late for me. Plus, I'm not married. I don't even have a boyfriend or a prospect of one so even if I did want only a sperm donor that is out of the question. I've been so stupid with my life. I've made so many mistakes and let so many people walk all over me and that makes me angry with myself. Furious, actually.

I also remember thinking, like so many others have I'm sure when they start feeling their own mortality, that I only have this one life to live. After this there is nothing more. This thought should spur me on to make some radical changes in my life, shouldn't it? As of right now, though, I'm still just furious and frustrated.

While I was showering this morning, I remembered something that my mother said to me when I told her a few months ago about a short-term sexual encounter I had with a man I've known for nearly twenty years. I told her that I actually enjoyed myself and that for the first time in my life I didn't feel guilty about having sex. She said to me, "Where is the girl who was going to wait for marriage to have sex?" I remember this question irritated me at the time, but I think I just blew it off. But now as of this morning I'm thinking, "That girl disappeared the day you let your father fuck me." You know...whatever man. I don't think anymore that there is any such thing as "waiting for marriage". I've met a few folks who waited until they were married to have actual intercourse, but did everything else while they were waiting. Is that hypocrital or is it just me? That whole idea is just too archaic and patriarchal to be tolerated. I'm sick of playing to men's insecurities just because they want to be the one to "go where no man has gone before". Fuck that.
And my mom can go fuck herself for even having the nerve to ask me that stupid question.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

Gah. I hope, for both your sakes, that your mother's comment was a case of meaning well (maybe trying to be lighthearted, or maybe your "I'll wait till marriage" comments just made a big impression on her) but screwed up in the delivery. Not that it matters - what matters is, you were hurt and upset and that's not fair. Family's such hard work.

Personally, as bizarre as this may sound, I truly hope that my children each have sex before marriage. Not too young; I'm going to tell them just what I told both my sisters, that high school is too soon - wait till you graduate, because the world starts to make just a tiny bit more sense once you're 18 and in charge of yourself - but I do hope they enter marriage with some idea of what to expect and how things all work. My marriage would never have worked if we'd wandered in blind, in many ways - sex included.

As for the mistakes? Yeah, I hear you. I work hard to maintain a "No Regrets" attitude toward life. The idea that if you'd changed any one thing, you'd change everything, and who knows how much worse things might be otherwise? Something might come along for you - maybe foster care or adoption? - that will feel Right and True and then you'll wonder how you ever regretted the past decisions.

Take care...

February 04, 2008 1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anais said...

You know, my mom is usually very supportive of me no matter what I do. The kind of supportive that borders on obsessive sometimes. Do you know what I mean? Like if I let her she would want to know about every single aspect of every single thing that I do every single day of my life and be there to cheer me on for...whatever. I don't know why that comment stuck in my head like it did and I really can't blame her for the sexual abuse from my grandfather. It's not like it's her fault. I just like to blame her when I'm mad at her. It's more convenient becuase my grandfather is dead. I mean, really, thank God he's dead. I don't know if I could tolerate his actually being alive. I would never, never tell her that I blame her sometimes. She blames herself enough already. My mom and I just have a really really rough past and have only gotten to know each other in the past 7 years or so. For most of my life she was pretty much absent, so I guess it's pretty easy for me to direct a lot of anger toward her. God, I certainly can't get into that right now. I'd wind up writing a book.
By the way, thanks so much for always keeping up with what's going on in my non-life. It means a lot to me.

February 07, 2008 2:35 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I was just reading on another blog a section from some self-help psych book, can't remember off-hand (savemenot.wordpress.com was the blog) - and as part of a meme she talked about the idea of forgiving one's parent(s) for not being good enough in the past and developing accurate expectations for current/future behavior. Not in those words, but it stayed with me. It's not an easy skill, and I have no idea how people develop it.

And, you're welcome. I can't offer much, but I can stop by and peek in... Somebody cares.

February 07, 2008 10:01 AM  

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