11.2.08

A Few Things...



I AM SICK OF CATS THAT AREN'T MINE. I'M SICK OF CATS IN HEAT WHO KEEP ME UP ALL FUCKING NIGHT SO THAT I HAVE TO GO TO WORK ON ONLY A FEW HOURS SLEEP. I'M SICK OF FRIENDS WHO OUTSTAY THEIR WELCOME AND TALK DURING MOVIES JUST TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES. I'M SICK OF SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE. I'M SICK OF PEOPLE WHO STAY WITH ME AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY MONEY TO HELP OUT. I'M SICK OF PEOPLE BLEEDING THEIR PERSONAL BULLSHIT ALL OVER ME AND THEN GOING OUT TO BE SELF-DESTRUCTIVE AGAIN ONLY TO THINK THEY CAN COME BACK AND BLEED ON ME AGAIN. I'M SICK OF SHARING MY PERSONAL SPACE WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I'M SICK OF BEING NICE WHEN I WANT TO BE A BITCH. I'M SICK OF HOLDING EVERYTHING IN BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE NICE AND SUPPORTIVE AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I'M SICK OF LOVING PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOVE ME. I'M SICK OF BEING LIED TO. I'M SICK OF THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE EVERY FUCKING DAY. I'M SICK OF WANTING TO CUT ON MYSELF ALL THE GOD-DAMN TIME. I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT THIS FUCKING MESSY HOUSE. I'M SICK OF SMELLING CAT SHIT AND PISS. I'M SICK OF CLEANING THE COUCH CUSHIONS EVERY FUCKING WEEK. I'M SICK OF MY BED SMELLING LIKE CAT PISS AND HAVING TO CLEAN THE MATTRESS ALL THE DAMN TIME. I'M SICK OF BEING TOO EMBARRASSED TO HAVE SOMEONE COME INSIDE MY APARTMENT. I'M SICK OF BEING SCARED OF EVERYTHING. I'M SICK OF BEING FAT. I'M SICK OF ME.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

Mostly reasonable things to be sick of. I hope that some of the earlier stuff improves so that the last one eases up.

And there's no shame in just walking into a hospital and letting them care for you for a while. No one else can fix your problems or say a magic phrase and make your life all better (if only...) but sometimes letting go of a little responsibility is a good thing. And that includes responsibility for yourself.

February 11, 2008 11:07 AM  
Blogger Anais Nin said...

I just picked up responsibility for myself again about a year ago. After living with my dad for 5 years. I felt that I couldn't take care of myself because I kept losing jobs because I was so depressed that I couldn't go to work. I finally decided to come back into the world and now I'm trying to learn how to live. I was going to say "again", but I don't know if I ever really knew how to live.

February 17, 2008 8:55 PM  

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