11.2.08

Anger Management




I've figured out why I have to keep myself busy all the time: i.e. house cleaning, walking, grocery shopping, working all the time. It's because if I don't I have time to sit around and really think about and realize just how unhappy and angry I am. I don't like feeling unhappy and angry so I keep myself just busy enough to be to tired and literally too busy to think about it. I don't know if I'm running from my anger or if I'm just that scared to be angry.

I woke up frustrated as all hell this morning. Some of it was from the anger from last night. I don't know what the rest of it was. Maybe because it's Monday and I have to go back to work and talk to people who don't like me about why their cable isn't working. I'm not sure. I know that I really don't want to go in today, but what I want doesn't really matter, does it?

I happened to notice after I got up and started cleaning around my apartment (it's never ending around here what with my kitty posse) that my anger had dissipated somewhat and I didn't have such a strong urge to slice my arm open with the nearest sharp object. I get these disturbing images in my head when I'm like that. I can see myself cutting my skin; flaying myself open and enjoying it and then smearing blood all over the walls just to say, "Look at me!!! I'm in pain!!! I'm fucking angry as fuck!!!" I told one of my former psychiatrists about these visions and he told me it was an inner expression of unresolved anger. Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out Oh Doctor Of Mine. The only reason I told him was that it really was bothering me and I thought he should know what was going on in my head since he was my psychiatrist. I wasn't expecting to get an answer that any Intro Psych student could have given me. I thought to myself after the appointment that day, "Damn, I don't have my degree yet and I knew that. What a dumbass." That was my last appointment with him. I may be crazy, but I know that I don't need anyone to "fix" me. I'm not broken like a child's toy. I just have trouble dealing with myself sometimes and sometimes I need a person to listen to me and to give me refills on psych meds.

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