10.1.08

The More I Fight, The More Stuck I Am

It's been over a year since I've used this blog. It's stupid, but I sort of (more than sort of) totally forgot my login info. I just worked it out yesterday. I used to have a Live Journal, but I've shut that down as of about a week or so ago because they have these lame adverts now if you have a free account.

So, I'm really frustrated right now. I just got a new job (today is the 3rd day) and I find myself thinking the same thing I've thought about every other job I've had: that it is totally bullshit and that I'll wind up hating it, quitting and then being depressed and unemployed again. As a matter of fact, I cried myself into quite a magnificent headache last night thinking about this among other things.

I am in a very depressed state. I yell at my cats and I know that they don't deserve it. I have no one else to talk to/yell at. That's not a valid excuse, I know. I slam doors and am just generally pissy all the time. I'm impatient with people when I talk to them. I don't know how much of this is apparent, because I'm too chicken shit to actually say something like, "Can you get on with this story?" or "I can't talk to you right now". I just wade through whatever someone is saying to me all the while thinking how pointless everything is while trying to act interested. That's horrible. I know it is and I've never been this way to this extent before. I hate it that I'm this way right now. Well, I generally hate pretty much everything about myself right now. I've been contemplating suicide on a daily basis several times a day, but I don't know if I would ever actually do it. I'm not trying to garner sympathy here or whatever. Just venting.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

No one will ever love your cats in quite the same way you do. It may not sound like much, but it matters - and in the field, we don't much care *why* people stay alive, as long as they do. Because it always gets better. Honest.

January 16, 2008 3:33 PM  
Blogger Dark Daughta said...

hmmm...
Maybe it's something about what you understand as "fighting" that's got you stuck.

What do you mean when you write "fighting"?

Maybe surrender, as in surrender to what it is you're running from should be the order of the day.

Don't mind me. I came across your blog by accident. You know what's happening for you better than I ever could.

I'm hoping you'll be alright.

January 28, 2008 7:08 AM  

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