Victim
I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in about 15 years. In the process of giving each other phone numbers and whatnot, I gave her this web address so that, if she wanted to, she could keep up with my goings on. Not that there's really much to keep up with, but you know...
Anyway, one of the times we were talking after that first time, she said she'd pulled up my blog and pointed out to me this post saying that from reading it she couldn't believe that I'd become one of "those women". Meaning a woman who incessantly complains about her problems and puts herself in the place of the victim time after time even though she should have learned her lessons long ago.
I just have this to say in my defense: I know that many of my posts on here are long and depressing and if a person doesn't know me (which is the case for nearly everyone who comes across this blog), they would probably think exactly what my friend did. I can say that I've changed a lot over the years. 15 years ago, I had a huge wall built around myself: a protective mechanism built from so many years of being hurt and abused as a child, teenager and adult. I've worked really hard to bring that wall down over the years because I felt like my heart was too hard and bitter. All the easier to break. It's the bitter ones that break the easiest in my experience.
Anyway, I am more vulnerable and open emotionally now, but I am also more able to love, which is so so important to me. What I have been thinking about since talking to my friend is that first I thought maybe I needed parts of that old wall to be rebuilt, because obviously I've been in a lot of pain and put myself in bad situations. In short, I've been a bit naive and too trusting. But now that I've been thinking more on this subject, I realize that I don't ever want that wall again, because once you start building it, it sort of keeps growing on its own until you've isolated yourself again. I don't want that again ever. What I'm more inclined to think now is that I need to improve my judgment skills of people and situations. I used to be so good at that. I lost it somewhere along the way. I don't know when and I don't know how. Maybe I just got lazy. Maybe I did play the victim. It's so much easier. If I'm the victim, then I don't have to take responsibility for what happens to me. It becomes everyone's fault but my own. I will say; however, that part of what was going on during and around the time of this post, was that I had not only been off one of my psychiatric medications for about six weeks, but also the dosage I was taking (before I ran out of it) was half of what I normally take. Now, I don't know if my Dr. changed the prescription dosage without telling me or if the pharmacy made a mistake. I kept the bottle, though, just in case anyone thought I was mental and couldn't read the directions on the bottle. Plus, there was the one-year anniversary of the death of my brother-in-Christ, David, whom I loved (love) so much even still. These three things converging with my month-long "thing" with "my friend" was just too much for me to take in. So, I nose-dived. I retreated back into what is familiar to me.
Now that I'm back on my medications (all of them), I'm feeling somewhat more levelized. Not so much of a paranoid psycho woman, although I do stand by what I said in the aforementioned post. I think he acted selfishly and hurtfully. Also though, I had no business sleeping with him considering my mental state. Even when I am myself, I freak out when the guy I want to be with doesn't want to be with just me. When he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, I should have just walked away, but like I said, I wasn't really in my right mind. (I did apologize for sending him a psycho-woman paranoid text message in the middle of the night.)
The one thing that was positive about that whole experience was that for the first time in my life, I had sex and enjoyed it. I can't explain it really, but that's a monumental step forward for me. Maybe after I think on it a bit I'll be able to explain the whole thing. Right now, though, it's more like an experience of "before this" and "after this".
Anyway, one of the times we were talking after that first time, she said she'd pulled up my blog and pointed out to me this post saying that from reading it she couldn't believe that I'd become one of "those women". Meaning a woman who incessantly complains about her problems and puts herself in the place of the victim time after time even though she should have learned her lessons long ago.
I just have this to say in my defense: I know that many of my posts on here are long and depressing and if a person doesn't know me (which is the case for nearly everyone who comes across this blog), they would probably think exactly what my friend did. I can say that I've changed a lot over the years. 15 years ago, I had a huge wall built around myself: a protective mechanism built from so many years of being hurt and abused as a child, teenager and adult. I've worked really hard to bring that wall down over the years because I felt like my heart was too hard and bitter. All the easier to break. It's the bitter ones that break the easiest in my experience.
Anyway, I am more vulnerable and open emotionally now, but I am also more able to love, which is so so important to me. What I have been thinking about since talking to my friend is that first I thought maybe I needed parts of that old wall to be rebuilt, because obviously I've been in a lot of pain and put myself in bad situations. In short, I've been a bit naive and too trusting. But now that I've been thinking more on this subject, I realize that I don't ever want that wall again, because once you start building it, it sort of keeps growing on its own until you've isolated yourself again. I don't want that again ever. What I'm more inclined to think now is that I need to improve my judgment skills of people and situations. I used to be so good at that. I lost it somewhere along the way. I don't know when and I don't know how. Maybe I just got lazy. Maybe I did play the victim. It's so much easier. If I'm the victim, then I don't have to take responsibility for what happens to me. It becomes everyone's fault but my own. I will say; however, that part of what was going on during and around the time of this post, was that I had not only been off one of my psychiatric medications for about six weeks, but also the dosage I was taking (before I ran out of it) was half of what I normally take. Now, I don't know if my Dr. changed the prescription dosage without telling me or if the pharmacy made a mistake. I kept the bottle, though, just in case anyone thought I was mental and couldn't read the directions on the bottle. Plus, there was the one-year anniversary of the death of my brother-in-Christ, David, whom I loved (love) so much even still. These three things converging with my month-long "thing" with "my friend" was just too much for me to take in. So, I nose-dived. I retreated back into what is familiar to me.
Now that I'm back on my medications (all of them), I'm feeling somewhat more levelized. Not so much of a paranoid psycho woman, although I do stand by what I said in the aforementioned post. I think he acted selfishly and hurtfully. Also though, I had no business sleeping with him considering my mental state. Even when I am myself, I freak out when the guy I want to be with doesn't want to be with just me. When he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, I should have just walked away, but like I said, I wasn't really in my right mind. (I did apologize for sending him a psycho-woman paranoid text message in the middle of the night.)
The one thing that was positive about that whole experience was that for the first time in my life, I had sex and enjoyed it. I can't explain it really, but that's a monumental step forward for me. Maybe after I think on it a bit I'll be able to explain the whole thing. Right now, though, it's more like an experience of "before this" and "after this".
Labels: health, navel gazing
posted by Anais Nin at
11:27 AM
2 Comments:
Hi, my internet friend. I've not commented much of late, but am keeping up with you. I SO understand the Victim struggle, as it's been a source of conversation between The Husband and myself. I tend to default to being the Victim of Him, and therefore not responsible for being a b!tch, or slacking off in several areas, etc. You're not alone in Victim-ville; hopefully we can find the road out of this one-horse town.
Thanks for keeping up with me. I've been trying to keep up with what's going on with you too. And yes, I also would like to find my way out of this one-horse Victimville.
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