10.7.07

Long Day~Long Life

I swear to God yesterday was the longest, shittiest day of my life. Of course, I may be overexaggerating, but it was freakin' long. I've been so anxious for the last week or so and I really can't figure out why. I don't want to go to work at all. Just the thought of it makes my heart speed up like I'm going to start panicking and what's really odd is that my job isn't really hard. It's just that I work 6 days a week and I think that's what's getting to me. I'm always having to find ways to get more hours so that my paychecks will be decent and when I do get enough hours, I'm dog ass tired. Too tired to do anything else like clean house, play with my cats... It feels like all I do is work and sleep.

Yesterday was the culmination of my not having some of my meds for about a month or so, not to mention my body picking this particular day to throw me some period cramps that felt like a knife twisting in my belly. The night before, I didn't sleep hardly at all, so by the time morning came I was so frustrated and anxious that I didn't know what to do with myself. I would cry, stop, cry some more, beat my pillows in frustration and cry some more. I wound up feeling very numb and alternately very melancholy. I had a dr. appt. at 4p. yesterday afternoon for medication management and I finally got my prescriptions renewed for another 3 months, but waiting for the damn appt. was fucking hell. Then, when I got to the dr's office, he was running like half an hour late. So, since I got to my appt. about 15 minutes early, I wound up waiting on him for 45 minutes. Talk about being irritated and after my appt. I still had to go get my scripts filled. Granted, I was so grateful to have them finally, but with all my anxiety going on and the fact that I had one doosey of a migraine after my dr. appt., it was really really hard to drive and what not. After that, I had to go to the store to get those supplies that most everyone is embarrassed to name: pads and tampons (t.m.i. ?). Walking around in Kroger with the flourescent lights was unbelievably hard and surreal. I had to deposit my paycheck from last week in my bank before I could get what I needed. Thank God the bank had a branch in Kroger. I don't think I could've gone anywhere else. I was so out of it that I had to have the teller walk me through filling out my checking deposit slip.

I told y'all it was a shitty day.

Today, I am having to call in to work so that I can go get my car looked at. It needs to be serviced and it's making these weird shuddering sounds. I had to call in yesterday too. The restaurant was closed yesterday, but there was an event that I told my manager that I would work. The day after (or maybe that same day) that I told her I would work it, I was regretting it. I realized suddenly that I would be working a 7 day week and that I wouldn't have a day off 'till next Monday. Shit.

At this point, today, I really really don't want to go back to work. I'm feeling very frustrated, very boxed in, and slightly suicidal. I hate feeling this way. Having these thoughts of suicide because it feels like a cop out to me. It's like every time things get hard, I think suicidal thoughts. I'm too scared to do it, though, so all I do is torture myself with anxiety, which I also hate. I'm all wrapped up in myself again with this anxiety, frustration and depression. Now, I'm selfish; again something that I hate.

I'm probably going to wind up losing my job or at the very least, getting balled out by one or both of my managers. Considering they are bf/gf and they live together, I will probably get it from both of them.

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