11.1.07

Poetry Thursday




Schizophrenic God in the Form of Toxic Father Speaks out of Two Side of His Mouth
-----------------------------------------
________________________
His pity
"I love you because you are completely degenerate with no chance of recovery."
His teaching
"I am perfect. Can't you see that? Mold yourself to me to show me that you love me."
His patience
"Your very existence is exasperating to me."
His control
"Be good because I love you"
"Be quiet and invisible, because I don't want to be embarrassed of you."He says
"Don't rock the boat. Conform."
His encouragement
"Of course, I'll always be here for you. Just remember, when you fail
at school
in love in independence of life.
I'll be here for you to remind you
of what a failure you are
because I love you."
His concern
"You know you can't survive for long on your own.
You need someone to take care of you.
You need to get married."
"Don't question me."
Why?
"Because I said so. God wants it that way."
His help
"You live like a pig. You're room is disgusting."
His lust
"It smells like sex in here. Have you been having sex in here?"
"You stink. Have you bathed lately?"
"The dress is pretty, but you look like a slut."
"You are finally growing hips, but your butt is getting bigger."
"Are you sure you're sick? Maybe you're pregnant."
His love
"She's not mine. I picked her up on the side of the road."
_____________
___________________
I hate you.
I love to hate you.
I relish it as if I were eating excellent dark chocolate.
You owe me
Years
My self-esteem
Love
An apology from you for all the times you discouraged me
choked me
hit me
emasculated me
made me feel that my body was dirty and pornographic
made me feel like I would never be good enough for anyone or anything
were silent when you should have spoken words of gentleness
avoided me
were sickeningly arrogant and callous
were unrepentant and unapologetic
didn't take responsibility for your culpability
will never be forthcoming.
I hate you.
The fact that you continue
to breathe
makes me hate you even more
-------------------------
I should have shot you when I had the chance.

© Robyn Fenner
written 2 August 2002
Edited 21 March 2006

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5 Comments:

Blogger blackbank said...

Difficult, painful; a good read. BB

January 11, 2007 5:36 PM  
Blogger Jon said...

A heart-wrenchingly difficult poem to read. I do think that--as a poem--it was a very effective technique to set up the ironic distance between good qualities and the truth of the matter (such as "His encouragement / 'Of course, I'll always be here for you. Just remember, when you fail / at school / in love . . .'") and then to blast it with the counterpoint of the direct and unflinching ending.

January 11, 2007 7:51 PM  
Blogger Poet with a Day Job said...

This is a tough poem...it's hard to get to those nuggets of truth you've produced here. Good job.

January 11, 2007 8:25 PM  
Anonymous Brian said...

((((hugs))))

January 12, 2007 11:39 AM  
Anonymous GeL said...

I hope it was cathartic on some levels to express these feelings using the very cliches that were spat at you.

You ARE worthy. You WILL overcome this damage. I see the the tigress in you.
*hugs and a dartboard... or voodoo doll?*

January 14, 2007 6:35 AM  

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