I'll Glady Pay You Tuesday For A Truckload Of Chocolate Today
Jesus, last night was HORRIBLE. (Just a side note, a "little birdie" told me this morning that I'm fixin' to start my period.) I have this ache in my heart where Sally and Tanya used to be and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes, I go into little catatonic depressive moments where all I do is just stare blankly in front of me. I can't move. It's like the pain is so bad that it paralyzes me.
I went to church yesterday morning, despite being uber-depressed. I felt better when I left (plus I went to Starbuck's on the way to church. That always lifts my mood.) Church was great. I learned a lot, but on the way home, that hole in my heart started to ache again. The more I drove, the more it ached. The closer I got to home, the more it ached.
I fell asleep from the time I got home from church until about 5. So, basically I slept the afternoon away. I got up depressed, felt hunger somewhere in the back of my mind and told myself that I should eat something so my blood sugar wouldn't bottom out and I'd wind up passed out in the floor. So, I ate. Fried rice. It tasted like...I don't know...something that has no taste. I just ate it because I hadn't had anything to eat all day.
My absolutely all-time favorite television series, Rome, debuted it's second season last night on HBO, so you know I had to be awake for that. I cried through the repeat of last season's last episode and through most of this season's debut. I just felt so empty and so utterly alone. So unbelievably unloved. That's when the snacking started. To be quite honest, I actually felt pretty sick to my stomach the entire night, but I managed to stuff nearly 700 calories down my throat. Plus the fried rice I ate earlier in the night was about 700 calories. *moo* I'd say that last night was an emotional eating night. *understatement*
After everything, I wound up in my room, sitting in the dark, listening to my new Zune that Dad bought me as a late Christmas gift singing all these sad songs through tears. I felt somewhat better after that and I tried to go to sleep, but to no avail. I got up, got on the computer and wrote two blog entries here as you can see. At least I made a little money. I didn't go to bed until about 4:30am.
I tried my best to pray for Sally and Tanya during the prayer time at church yesterday morning and that brought me to tears. I tried to pray for them last night, that also brought me to tears. I've tried calling, text messaging them, leaving messages with their parents, but they will not have anything to do with me and I don't know why.
All of this is just great because I've had so many blows come one right after another this last year. Like I really needed to have my two best friends-my sisters-totally abandon me when I need them the most. They started blowing me off even before David died. Then, after that, I barely heard from them. The next time I talked to Sally was the night I had a screaming panic attack over the phone a few days after Christmas. I guess the reason it was so overwhelming is that because I'd been holding all of that pain of abandonment in for nearly a year and it all came out at once. Plus, the last time I was raped was right around Christmas and every year, I relive it. They were not there for me then either. They did get me Christmas presents, but you know, they might as well have given me empty boxes, because they gave me empty hearts. I would have rather them not get me anything at all and just love me like I thought they did for so many years before.
I'm trying not to be angry. I'm trying really hard. I feel like I'm in mourning, though this pain is not nearly like the pain I experienced after David died. It's not even close, but it's a good strong second.
The thing is, Sally and Tanya were my only friends. Now, I have no one. (Well, I am just getting back in touch with Erin, whom I've known since she was a child. She has her own problems and we don't keep in touch that much because she doesn't have a phone. I try to see her once a week, though, at least. She makes me feel loved and I love her.)
I went to church yesterday morning, despite being uber-depressed. I felt better when I left (plus I went to Starbuck's on the way to church. That always lifts my mood.) Church was great. I learned a lot, but on the way home, that hole in my heart started to ache again. The more I drove, the more it ached. The closer I got to home, the more it ached.
I fell asleep from the time I got home from church until about 5. So, basically I slept the afternoon away. I got up depressed, felt hunger somewhere in the back of my mind and told myself that I should eat something so my blood sugar wouldn't bottom out and I'd wind up passed out in the floor. So, I ate. Fried rice. It tasted like...I don't know...something that has no taste. I just ate it because I hadn't had anything to eat all day.
My absolutely all-time favorite television series, Rome, debuted it's second season last night on HBO, so you know I had to be awake for that. I cried through the repeat of last season's last episode and through most of this season's debut. I just felt so empty and so utterly alone. So unbelievably unloved. That's when the snacking started. To be quite honest, I actually felt pretty sick to my stomach the entire night, but I managed to stuff nearly 700 calories down my throat. Plus the fried rice I ate earlier in the night was about 700 calories. *moo* I'd say that last night was an emotional eating night. *understatement*
After everything, I wound up in my room, sitting in the dark, listening to my new Zune that Dad bought me as a late Christmas gift singing all these sad songs through tears. I felt somewhat better after that and I tried to go to sleep, but to no avail. I got up, got on the computer and wrote two blog entries here as you can see. At least I made a little money. I didn't go to bed until about 4:30am.
I tried my best to pray for Sally and Tanya during the prayer time at church yesterday morning and that brought me to tears. I tried to pray for them last night, that also brought me to tears. I've tried calling, text messaging them, leaving messages with their parents, but they will not have anything to do with me and I don't know why.
All of this is just great because I've had so many blows come one right after another this last year. Like I really needed to have my two best friends-my sisters-totally abandon me when I need them the most. They started blowing me off even before David died. Then, after that, I barely heard from them. The next time I talked to Sally was the night I had a screaming panic attack over the phone a few days after Christmas. I guess the reason it was so overwhelming is that because I'd been holding all of that pain of abandonment in for nearly a year and it all came out at once. Plus, the last time I was raped was right around Christmas and every year, I relive it. They were not there for me then either. They did get me Christmas presents, but you know, they might as well have given me empty boxes, because they gave me empty hearts. I would have rather them not get me anything at all and just love me like I thought they did for so many years before.
I'm trying not to be angry. I'm trying really hard. I feel like I'm in mourning, though this pain is not nearly like the pain I experienced after David died. It's not even close, but it's a good strong second.
The thing is, Sally and Tanya were my only friends. Now, I have no one. (Well, I am just getting back in touch with Erin, whom I've known since she was a child. She has her own problems and we don't keep in touch that much because she doesn't have a phone. I try to see her once a week, though, at least. She makes me feel loved and I love her.)
Labels: health
posted by Anais Nin at
2:38 PM
3 Comments:
Well, (a) you don't have no one. You may have no one in person, but there's lots still out here in cyberspace. And, (b) go ahead and feel angry. Nothing wrong with anger, as long as it doesn't eat away at you. When/if it gets to that point, then you need a new strategy. But for now - go ahead and stew. You've earned it.
Like Kate, says there's LOTS of us out here in cyberspace. See: {**} (that's me with my mouth shut b/c I'm listening not yapping) and Here's (oo), :), !(**)! (i'm just making up faces so if these mean antyhing different in chat, it's NOT intended that way).
Not able to read your entire post right now, but I did skim it. I'm glad you got your feelings out but feel awful you feel alone. There are people out there. The trick is to find them. Common interests often help. LIke if you join a photography group.
Thinking of you. I wish you didn't have so much hit you one right after another. (Hey I have music links of music I like up on my site and ask for reader interaction. You ALWAYS have such good ideas. Come tell me what you think. I love hearing others' music tastes.
gel
Y'all are so great. :D
Gel, I will come by your page and check out your music links.
Thanks for the support you guys. It really means a lot.
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