The Second Time Around Is Not-So-Good

I purged early this morning, about 2am after eating a piece of bologna rolled up with 2 pieces of swiss cheese and corn chips with French Onion dip. That was all I ate yesterday besides one other piece of bologna.

There is something definitely wrong with my hips. I can't deny it any more. Yesterday, it got to the point where I couldn't even walk, so I laid down. When I laid down, everytime I tried to move, my back would hurt so bad that I would cry out. I don't have any idea what's going on, but I'm going to see if I can find a UAMS doctor today. I hope they have a list of them online.

This morning, I can walk, but it's only a shuffle and my back protests with every move I make. It doesn't matter what kind of move. I can't help but think the whole purging and restricting thing yesterday had something to do with the amount of pain I was in. I remember thinking, murkily, at the time I ate this morning that any more food would cause me to be in more pain. I was panicked thinking that even that little amount of food would cause a weight gain and therefore more for my back and hips to support. I know it sounds crazy. I know it does. It's just that I've only ever been in that much pain a couple of times in my life. I don't think I was thinking straight because of it. It would have been different if it was a big pain and then went away relatively fast. It wasn't like that, though. This has been coming on me since the weekend. It just kept getting worse. Yesterday was the culmination (I hope.).

I'm scared. For one because I don't know what's causing all this pain and secondly, because I am now resigned to going to a doctor and I don't know what all that will entail. I also don't have the money for a doctor, so I'm basically going to go in there acting like I can pay for the appt, when I know that I can't.



Anonymous Liesl said...

My sister has struggled with bulimia too. I just celebrated 5 years clean and sober (from drugs and alcohol) yesterday... I can't imagine how difficult it would be to conquer food issues. You can't just stop eating. With drugs and alcohol - you completely quit and change your life to not put yourself in places where others are using. We can't get away from food!

"I will not eat the darkness" - what a beautiful, poetic mantra!

December 07, 2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

First, congratulations on five years sober. That's quite an accomplishment. I used to be addicted to drugs, too. I've been sober for 16 years. I prefer to live sober, you know?
And thanks for the kind words about my struggling with food issues. This has been going on since I was about 10 or so. I'm not fully bulimic and I'm not fully anorexic, because I restrict mostly and only purge once in a while. The restricting doesn't feel as bad as the purging, but that's just probably because I'm trying to justify it to myself. I also go through phases where I can eat pretty much normally for a year or more and then I have phases where I restrict for a long time. I'm in a restricting phase right now.

And thanks for the compliment on the theme of my blog. I appreciate that.

December 07, 2006 4:31 PM  

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