31.12.06

Post Secret Pic 'O The Day

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Sally and Tanya. I can feel them slipping away from me. Avoiding me. The other day they wanted to come over; I told them not to, but they did anyway. Before that, I had a complete breakdown over the phone talking to Sally over her not calling me on Christmas Day. She kept saying, "I was busy with family things." I wanted to say, "Am I not your family, too?" I also told her that it hurt my feelings that I didn't hear from Tanya on Christmas Day either, but when Tanya got here, she hugged me and told me that it hurt her feelings too that I didn't call her on Christmas Day.

As long as we've been friends (10 years), I don't think Sally has ever seen me break down like that. I was completely hysterical and having one hell of a panic attack. Even after I got off the phone with her, I couldn't stop crying and I had to really concentrate in order to get my breathing back to something that resembled normal.

I think there's two reasons this happened: One is because I've been reliving the last rape for the entire Christmas season, so that makes me more sensitive, more emotional and more depressed than I would otherwise be since the last rape happened right before or right after Christmas. Completely ruined Christmas and New Year's for me. The second thing is that on some level I really know that Sally and Tanya are slipping from me and the harder I try to hold on to them, the more they slip. I know they don't want to be around me because I'm having such a problem with my depression. I can imagine with their disorders, hanging around me doesn't make them feel very good. I look on them as my sisters. I've taken them into my heart and they are just as much, or more, a part of my family as my own family. It seems that it's not the case with them, though. I'm not pointing fingers here. I'm just saying.

It's kind of a big shock to find out that people you love don't love you as much as you thought they did. I guess that was part of the problem and it probably wouldn't have sent me off the Cliff of Hysterical Crying if it hadn't happened during the Holidays. Still, though, I can feel our friendship changing and it scares me. For the longest time, even if I felt no one else loved me, I knew they did. Now, I'm not sure and I feel like I've just been shoved out of a warm and toasty house with food and a fire into a blizzard and I'm standing at the door banging on it, but they either don't hear me or they do and don't want to let me in.

I don't know what to do or if there is even anything to do.

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