Just Out Of Reach

All my life I've had to watch my money spending, as I'm sure most of the rest of you have. It's hard. There have been times where I have had to decide, "Groceries? Or light bill?" It's really tempting to live off credit cards because, wow, they make it so easy, but when it comes time to pay those credit card bills I'm again asking the question to myself, "Groceries? Light bill? Or credit card bill?" That's how I get myself into trouble, because when I use a credit card it doesn't really feel to me like I'm spending real money and I can convince myself that I really can pay for it later. The capacity for me to deceive myself is incalculable.

Also, now that I've started school, I have had to get secured loans, which I'm going to have to start paying off the minute I graduate since I consolidated them last year to avoid having a higher interest rate. The trade off was that I had to give up my 6-month grace period. Right now, I have around $63,000 dollars in loans. I feel like I'm going to be paying these off for the rest of my life.

One of my big wants/goals is to buy a house of my own. I was riding around the other day (because that's just something I do sometimes to relieve stress) in various neighborhoods looking at houses and I came upon one that I just fell in love with. Wow. It had a real front porch. It was small, but I don't need something big. It had a nice sized back yard with trees and there were even trees in the front yard. Also, it was set upon a hill, which I like because I'm terrified of flooding. Not that it's ever happened to me, but still, better safe than sorry. Right? At the rate I'm going, though I don't know how I'll ever qualify to get a mortgage for my dream house. I don't want to live in apartments for the rest of my life. I've got to start making some money and learn to better manage my finances or I will, first of all never be able to afford the mortgage much less qualify for it, and secondly, I won't be able to afford the home insurance I'll definitely need.

I'm no good at keeping my savings account either. I have a problem with impulse control when it comes to money, that's why I don't have checks. I got arrested once for bouncing a check that was for like 10.00 and had to spend several hours in the drunk tank with the rest of the derelicts. I don't want that to happen again.

Just thinking about this puts me in a state of anxiety. Most of the time, I try not to think about these kinds of things, but you know, my dad won't be around forever and once he dies (God forbid) this house will be sold to pay for his outstanding debts. I won't get to live here. I'll have to move into an apartment. Like I said before, my capacity to deceive myself is extra-ordinary. I can convince myself, most of the time, that dad is going to live forever and that I'll just be here with him for the rest of my life. One has to face the truth eventually, though. What is really hardest for me to get over is that I don't feel like I'm 36. I still feel like I'm 18 (only in my mind), but my body never fails to remind me otherwise.