24.12.06

The Best Defense Is A Good Offense-So Says Wolverine

As a woman, I feel that I am ruled by my fear. I'm afraid of going places alone. I'm afraid of going places at night alone. My fear is based on rationality, though, I think. I survived the 10-year incest by my grandfather; physical, mental, and verbal abuse by my parents; 4 rapes and numerous abusive relationships with men.

I have always wanted to learn how to protect myself. There's a certain amount of protection you can learn mentally. You know, like they say to "have a tough skin", so to speak. My skin is not-so-tough, though, despite all that's happened. I still feel vulnerable. Mentally and physically.

Whenever I pass a martial arts learning center, or come across martial arts books in the bookstores that I frequent often, I'm so tempted to either sign up for lessons or buy all the books that bookstore has on physical self-defense.

Imagine what it would be like to walk around unafraid. God, that would be the ultimate freedom for me.

Many of my friends collect martial arts equipment like medieval swords, throwing stars, and have training swords to practice their swordplay. Of course, you know, these are all guys. When I see them practicing, I want so much to say, "Can you teach me that?", but I get embarrassed to ask. I guess that's part of society's unconscious message to women-that we shouldn't do "manly" things, that we should be soft and vulnerable.

I love martial arts movies. The good ones, that is. The latest one I saw was Jet Li's Fearless. I love that movie. That's a definite buy when it comes out on DVD. I also bought Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon when it came out. I haven't seen many of the Bruce Lee movies, but I know he's the Godfather of martial arts in the movies.

I don't want to be soft and vulnerable any more. I want to be strong and physically able. I want to be able to defend myself.

After the last rape, I spent a lot of years being mad at God for letting that happen to me and then, just a few months ago, I wrote about it on another blog I have and one of my friends said (I'm paraphrasing here.) that if God had stopped that guy from raping me, he would have been interferring with his free will and, by consequence, my free will and everyone else's as well. We are not automatons. We have the free will to choose what we want to do. With that in mind, there's no guarantee that I won't be raped again. There's no guarantee that I won't get into a relationship with a man whom I think is great and then turns out to be physically abusive.

I want to learn to defend myself. And in that process, learn to be more confident in myself. I think that would be a big step for me. I think it would mean a step outside of this fear in which I've cocooned myself.

This post is paid for by Extremely-Sharp.com and sponsored by PayPerPost.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Scott Hughes said...

Martial arts is a great way to learn not only how to defend oneself, but also to have the confidence and mindset.

December 24, 2006 5:45 PM  
Anonymous gel said...

Self defense courses are a great idea.
Being angry at anyone or G-d for being rape is a natural and normal reaction! Totally justified. I hope you explore that with a therapist so you can heal. You've been through too much.

Taking self defense courses is another way of being strong. You show much strength here. In order to "be strong" one must let their vulnerabilty and soft sides show. We cannot hide that "stuff" (from the right people.)
((((A. N.))))

December 28, 2006 11:13 AM  

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