Anxiety Overload

I'm not feeling too well today. I woke up at 6am from a dream about my mom and was led to believe by the Holy Spirit that I needed to pray for her. Then, like an iron fist, fear took a grip on my heart and wouldn't let go. I prayed for about an hour-and-a-half while going about my morning activities making coffee and whatnot. I slept only about 2 hours because of the pain in my hips, so I don't know how coherent my prayers were, but I know God knows my heart and what I want to say before I say it. At around 7:30am, I could stand it no longer-the anxiety, the not knowing if anything was wrong or not-so I called her. She was asleep. I felt bad for waking her up. The first thing I said was, "Are you ok?". She said she was, then I told her about my dream. So, I felt better after I knew she was ok.

After I got off the phone with her, I intended to go back to bed, but for some reason, I was wide awake. I think I wound up going back to bed at about 11am. I woke up around 2:30pm. My hips were still hurting when I went back to sleep this morning, but I guess I was just so exhausted from the little amount of sleep I have been getting lately, that I just collapsed.

I really can't stand this pain every day, all day, all night. And it's not just my hips, the pain starts actually in my back, then goes to my hips, then all the way down my right leg. Sometimes, it's both legs. That really sucks, let me tell you. I'm also convinced that all of this is why I've been getting like 3 to 4 migraines a week. As we used to say in high school, "I'm to' up from the flo' up!" I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I did make a dr. appt. to go and see just what the hell this is all about, but it's not until Jan 16. That was the first opening they had. I'm really scared that this is going to be all about my scoliosis. That it's gotten a lot worse than I think it has. I'm afraid of the pain. Any time I get treated for my scoliosis, there is a bunch of pain involved what with physical therapy and all (physical torture). I'm just scared. Again, there's the not knowing what is wrong with me that is causing me anxiety. It's kind of weird how even when things turn out to be worse than you think, you feel somehow better because at least you know. The not knowing part I hate.

I guess that's what is really my problem today and why I feel all the time like I'm standing on the cliff of Hysterical Crying ready to jump off. I want to be numb and it's taking a lot of willpower right this minute for me not to down a bunch of my Klonopin. The reason I haven't done it and I think the reason I won't is because I remember when I was overdosing on it before and how it made me feel. It didn't make me numb. It made me feel worse. That's when the cutting began. It's been just over a month since my last cutting incident. I also feel like I could binge a truckload, but then I'd just purge it. I hate vomiting. And I'm getting more and more scared to eat what I want because I don't want to put any more weight on my body than it is already carrying because I don't want the pain in my hips, back and the headaches to get worse. I can't imagine how it could be worse, but I'm sure it could. My friend, Renita, used to get migraines so bad that she would bang her head into the wall repeatedly because she said it relieved the pain somewhat. That it wasn't as painful as the migraine. I'm not to that point with the headaches. Thank God.

I don't know what to do. Pray, I suppose. I'm hating life right now.

I also think I'm premenstrual. (I don't keep track of my periods. I don't have sex. I see no reason to.) Sometimes, like my spine, God can be really twisted.