1.11.06

Let Me Say That God Loves Everyone, Of That I Have No Doubt Whatsoever. I Don't.

I feel:: suicidal/homicidal/self-injurious/angry as fuck/frustrated/emasculated

WARNING: SERIOUS RANT AND SERIOUSLY BAD LANGUAGE AHEAD.

Someone named RW commented on the review I got from IT2M (I hotlinked it in the previous post. I'm not linking to it again.) and quoted something I had said in one of my previous posts about how I feel like I live my life mostly in fear and that I wish I were braver. He said that if I opened up more about myself that I might have some good content on my blog. (If anyone cares to read past the last few months of posts, you can find that my entire past is layed out rather graphically.) For those who either don't care or don't want to take some time to read previous posts, I'll "open up" and let you in about me and what has happened to me/what I've endured in my life. (Incidentally, I'm not angry with RW because his comment was the only one that contained constructive criticism. That, I can handle.)

1. Both of my parents are alcoholics and were/are abusive in every way you can imagine.

2. I was molested by my maternal grandfather from age 3 until the year before he died when I was 13. I have a huge memory hole for those 10 years of my life and it causes me indescribable pain on a daily/hourly/minute-by-minute basis.

3. I've been raped four times. I can have flashbacks,accompanied by full-on panic attacks, of any of those rapes at any time. It doesn't matter when or where.

4. I'm a former addict: cocaine, crack, meth, LSD, alcohol, pot, crank,...I can't remember what else. My memory is a bit shot in some areas.

5. I am a former stripper. I'm not proud of that fact.

6. I have been diagnosed with severe, chronic depression, Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a host of other things I'm sure are in my file that I haven't read. At the moment am on 3 different meds: Prozac-80mg/day (the largest dosage. You can't go any higher on this drug.), Lamictal-100mg/day (my psychiatrist wants me to eventually be at 200-250mg/day, but the titration has to be slow, otherwise I could come down with a potentially fatal rash), Klonopin-.5mg 4x/day (I tend sometimes to take more of this than is prescribed for me, especially when I'm having a really bad day. I makes me numb and I'd rather be numb than be cutting myself up or trying to commit suicide.)

7. I'm a cutter.

8. I pull skin compulsively off my face, fingers and toes. The technical diagnosis for this is Skin Picking. I will compulsively pick at the skin in these places until I realize that I'm bleeding and usually I don't realize it until there is a significant amount of blood. My psychiatrist once asked me if it hurt when I did that to myself. It does, but I do it anyway. It hurts less than what's inside. Same goes for the cutting.

9. I'm 36 years old and a senior double-major at the university here where I live. I'm majoring in Psychology and Spanish. I have a 3.5 cumulative G.P.A. I have 3 more classes to finish to get my Psych degree and about 5 or 6 more to get my Spanish degree.

10. I live at home with my father because he's 76 and handicapped. The girl who reviewed my site at IT2M made fun of the fact that I'm in my 30s and living at home with my dad. I guess if it were up to her, he'd be in some shitty old folks home being neglected and abused. Go ahead. Make some more fun of the fact that I've put my entire life on hold to take care of my father in his last years even though he was extremely abusive to me my entire life and continues to be so. He may be an asshole, but he's my father and there is a part of me that loves him.

11. I found God at 18, but it didn't really make a huge impact on my life at that time. I mean, right after that is when I started stripping and getting deeper and deeper into the drug scene here. I was once almost sold as chattel to a drug dealer for an 8-ball of cocaine by my boyfriend at the time.

12. I will never have children because of the damage that has occurred to my female parts due to the 10-year abuse of my grandfather and the four rapes. I also have bowel trouble (what I mean here is that occasionally I can't hold my bowels) because of the many times my grandfather shoved his cock in my asshole when I was a little girl. How's that for honest? Go ahead and make a joke that I should wear Depends. I'm waiting for it.

13. I tried to commit suicide the first time when I was 10-years old, the second and third times when I was in high school, the fourth time was during my 2-year stint at Henderson college right after I graduated high school (right after the third rape), the fifth time I tried to commit suicide was in '97. I haven't tried since then, but I have daily suicidal ideations and I constantly hear voices in my head telling me that I ought to just off myself because I'm not worth anything, no one loves me and no one ever will. It's a huge effort to push those voices away every single day of my life.

14. I've slept with over 100 different men in my life. Another fact I'm not proud of. You can call me a slut and a whore if you choose to, but I can guarantee you that I can be much, much more cruel to myself than you could ever think of being.

15. I rededicated my life to God at age 21 and worked with a street ministry called Sold Out for the next ten years. For five years, I ran a battered women's/homeless women's shelter for them out of my apartment (I was not paid for any of this. I did it voluntarily.) During that time, I lived in the building we called "Ground Zero", which was where we also had band practice and my friends Richard and Kacey (who were married) lived across the hall from me. They took in homeless and abused boys and men, housed and fed them for free just as I did with the women I took in.

16. When I lived at Ground Zero, I had two full time jobs, but because I had to spend so much money on the band, the building, (it was not up to code, and the landlord refused to fix anything. I went one entire winter without heat and it was so cold that I had ice on the inside of my apartment windows.) and the women I took in that I never had any money for myself. I would go for months without eating and drinking only water so that the women and children who stayed with me could have food to eat and the necessities they needed. Go ahead, call me stupid for sacrificing everything for people I didn't know. If there were more people who did just a little sacrificing for a few people they didn't know this world would be a better place.

17. I have recurring problems with anorexia and bulimia due to the past abuse and the time at Ground Zero when I would have to go without food for so long. Imagine, if you can, seeing people around you eat their fill and being afraid to eat and yet wanting to more than anything in the world. Try to imagine what that's like. Try to imagine being so thin that your hair starts to fall out and your body grows a downy layer of hair all over because your body can't hold it's temperature (the hair is called Lanugo).

I don't care if anyone doesn't like the design of my blog or what I write in it. I like it. It's my blog; it's about me. It doesn't have to have a particular theme. I am the theme. It's either writing in this blog or I go into the nut house.


I work hard on the fractals I make. I spend hours and hours making them on my computer (there's one in the background of my template). I've showed them to different artists from all over the country and gotten rave reviews from them. I've had offers to submit my art for art shows. I've had people offer to buy my art for ridiculous sums of money. If you don't like it, that's fine. Like I said in my previous post, not everyone likes the same thing. After all, we're all individuals, thank God.

I made a serious mistake submitting my blog for review to those vultures at IT2M.
Not only did they rip me a new one, but so did most of the commenters. Tell me it's stupid that I got my feeling's hurt and that my suicidal ideation/cutting voices have gotten louder in the last few days. I already feel stupid. I feel stupid most of the time and it's been my lifetime journey/challenge to realize that I'm not stupid or any other insult that can be thrown at me. So, don't judge me on one page of participation posts i.e. Wordless Wednesday and Thursday Thirteen. I happen to like those. If you think they're stupid or whatever, keep it to yourself. Don't ram it down my throat. I've had my fill of cocks/opinions/ideas being rammed down my throat against my will.

If you like me, that's all good and I'll be sure to reciprocate any kindness/friendship you send my way. If you don't like me, that's all good to. Just grab the horse you fucked on your way into town and ride his ass right out and don't let the swingin' doors of the bar you got pissed in hit you in the ass on your way out.

So go ahead, "Sassy Sadie", bash me some more.Tell me at least one more time to lick your cunt. Call me a whore/slut/ or whatever other totally unoriginal insult you can think of. I've had a lifetime of abuse. I'm sure you're anxious to get on with the tradition, right? And just for the record, based on your comment on IT2M, I do think you're stuck in puberty.

The fact that you and your commenters continue to try to rip apart what little self-esteem I have even after I've said that for me this whole incident is over and done with proves the fact that your site is not just for "entertainment purposes only". It proves that you have a goal: a goal to make everyone else feel like shit; therefore making yourself feel better/ look better. Newsflash: This is a bad tactic.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Divya Uttam said...

hi Anias,
I visited your blog for the first time and got ur link from so called IT2M. Even I have made a submission there. And thank God I did coz otherwise I would never have reached your blog. You know Anias I do appreciate the way you are taking care of your father and other women, and I appreciate the way you faced all the short-comings of life. I can say that life did not treat you nicely and I can feel your pain as even I am a woman(though not all of it). But Anias you have a little ray of hope from your life... let it shine brighter and brighter and put and end to all the darkness in your life. May God Bless You and take care of you like the way you take care of the others. Thank you for being such a great person.

November 02, 2006 3:39 AM  
Blogger Divya Uttam said...

I can feel your pain as even I am a woman(though not all of it)... by this i meant I can feel your pain as I am a woman but not all of it because it is you who have faced all this in your life and I thin nobody could have fought so bravely with the difficulties like you did bravely...

November 02, 2006 3:41 AM  
Blogger reddragonsangel said...

Hey- I have to say I have been lurking for some time and am almost ashamed to say your journey is facsinating to me- I say that but let me explain that the facsination comes from watching your courage- your bravery- not from your "issues" it's the way you deal with the issues- first, fuck the "trolls" that take the time to criticize you and to make fun of you- people are cruel and pretty much the world if full of worhtless assholes- something I am sure you already know all too well! I continue to come back daily to read your posts because you are raw, honest and you are amazing! You have overcome your past and it's a daily battle that you are not afraid to admit to struggling with- you could be one of those people that uses thier past as an excuse to be worthless and cruel. You do not- you admit your past and your mistakes- you have forgiven but not forgotten- so you could learn and better yourself- I don't know you personally- but I am amazed by you and proud of you! Keep up the good fight and don't let the freaks get you down! The artwork, the writing - and you are wonderful! Hopefully the people that DO appreciate your posts will outweigh the ones that are trying to crush your recovery! God Bless- and you are truely someone that everyone can take a lesson on life and how to live it - good bad and fighting to survive! thanks for being honest and for being alive !!! ( p.s) I am not a stalker - nor am I a wierdo- just want you to know that ther are good folks out there, and that they are rooting for you and those like you!!

November 02, 2006 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey there...

you are brave. i'm glad you have this forum to talk about what's happened to you.

i've had my share of problems with the lovely ladies myself. some of it was self-inflicted (kept going back for more), but they don't know how to let up on a person either. they keep forgetting there are people behind these blogs.

i know from what i've done on my posts that i've gotten help and i've helped bolster others when they're down. i'm sure you've done it too.

hang in there and keep on fighting, girl...you're gonna win.

sincerely,
ellen duvall

November 02, 2006 11:35 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Wow. *hugs* Thank you so much.
I so appreciate/need the support.

November 02, 2006 11:41 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

You have my sympathy. I am constantly amazed when people feel better after sniping at someone else. No such thing as "just words."

But hang in. Forgive yourself for being human and reacting with hurt to words that were meant to hurt you. And try not to put yourself in the path of those who will try to bring you down... because the really determined ones will just find you anyway, right? People. Bah.

I'm also on it2m's list. Can't wait for my turn.

I hope it gets easier...

November 03, 2006 11:06 AM  
Blogger Pawpads said...

Hey there. Just happened upon your blog by chance and read this post with my mouth open.
What a life you've had ~ and kudos to you for being strong and for still being here.

Good luck for the future. Things can only get better.

November 05, 2006 2:53 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Pawpads: Thank you for stopping and reading my blog instead of passing it by. And thanks so much for your support. It means the world to me.

Kate: I hope they are not as keenly cruel to you as they were to me. You know I tried so hard not to be hurt by what they said, but eventually, i just broke down and you can see this post is the result. I have some deep seeded anger and frustration about the things that have happened to me. Sometimes, when I'm hurt, I use it to sling barbs at people. It's the wrong thing to do, admittedly, but it's over and done with now. All I can do is try to be a better person.

Thank you so much.

November 05, 2006 6:35 PM  

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