19.10.06

I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore, Toto

I feel:: pensive




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Cyndi Lauper~Fearless

I had a long conversation today with the husband of the couple who took me in off the street, whom I lived with for a year and eventually became part of their fledgling ministry: Sold Out. I've talked ad nauseum about Sold Out before, so I won't dredge that up, but suffice it to say, he gave me some things to think about. In any case it was really comforting to talk to him. I think that's the most I've talked in any of our conversations ever. I've got some thinking to do and I'm afraid...again. Sometimes (a lot of times) it seems like I live my life in fear. I wish I were braver.

~I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me and through me. When it has gone I will turn my inner eye to trace its path. Where the fear has been there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
(Repeat.)

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7 Comments:

Blogger Kate said...

I dunno... I think fear has its place. Not when it prevents you from doing major big things that you really want to do, but when it prevents you from doing smaller things, and leaves you frustrated, and nags at you and forces your mind to do weird and new things - sometimes that's okay.

From the time I was 12 until yesterday, I could not tolerate being in the woods alone in the daytime. Scared the bejeezus out of me. Tried lots of times, failed lots of times, and always felt like crap, because it was such a simple thing and because I grew up in NY and now I live in NH and you can't NOT be near a forest.

And then, suddenly, yesterday, I was walking from the hotel where this conference was, to my snazzy minivan, and I glanced down an as-yet-unsnowy cross-country ski trail, and it looked... appealing.

And I took a walk, and it was okay. And I felt so much braver afterward for having been so afraid for so long.

So, I dunno... I guess, just - fear has its place. Just try not to let it bring its friend guilt along with it.

October 20, 2006 8:09 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

You're right. Guilt does have a tendency to hold hands with Fear. This kind of fear I'm talking about here is more like self-doubt.

I have all this experience in ministry and christian counseling; I'm about to graduate with my Psychology degree and yet I'm still afraid to put myself out there, so to speak. Yet I always say when asked that it is this very thing which makes me the most happy, the most satisfied with my life.

In the past few years, I've come to realize just how sick I am and my self-doubt comes directly from there. The way I see it, if you put yourself in a position of responsibility, whether it's in a church environment or elsewhere, you should be able to live up to that responsibility. What I'm afraid of is not being able to carry that responsibility. I want to step out and serve God, but my own fear is holding me back.

In this case, I'm not so sure that my fear is serving me well. I'm still thinking about it. There's a lot of things I have to think about. I don't know if any of this is making sense or not. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I don't think I have it all correctly sorted out in my own mind.

October 21, 2006 1:49 PM  
Anonymous The Artist said...

Calling over to say hi for Click and Comment Monday with best wishes, The Artist

October 23, 2006 2:46 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thanks! :D

October 23, 2006 9:21 AM  
Anonymous kailani said...

Great song, I don't think I've heard it before. Here for C&C Monday.

October 23, 2006 1:52 PM  
Blogger Cat said...

Happy C&C Monday and wow, fear. It's big. It gets so many down and depressed while sending others in flight for goals and high reaches they would never go after if not pushed.

Nice post. Made me think.

October 23, 2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Kailani: I'm glad you liked the song! I listen to it all the time.

Cat: Thanks. :D I think my personal reaction to fear is always to curl myself into a ball. You know, try to self-protect. I've never been one to lash out when I'm afraid. I don't like conflicts as well, so I avoid those whenever possible. That's another fear thing. I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that any conflict is going to end with me being physically hurt in some way, not to mention the emotional hurt that is almost a surety. I think I need to reprogram myself to know when it's appropriate to self-protect and when it's appropriate to step out and stand up for myself. It seems like I might have done that at some time, for a little while, in the past. But now I've forgotten or just reverted to what's familiar. That's always easier, the familiar things. You know? Even though they might hurt worse than doing something else?

October 24, 2006 10:47 AM  

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