I Thought I'd Go Up Poughkeepsie. Look Out On The Hudson And Throw My Body Into The River....

I feel:: heavily medicated

I'm having suicidal thoughts again and strong self-injury urges. I know songs on blogs aren't that "cool", but this one gets me through when nothing else does.

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The thing is, my friend hurt me. Blindsided me. I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not, but I know that I ache like I did right after David died. It's like she ripped the scab off a healing wound and now the blood of emotion and pain is gushing uncontrollably again.

Classes start tomorrow and I hope I don't have to go through another month of crying my heartache out every day and self-medicating with too much Klonopin. You know, they should really make a Pez dispenser for that stuff.

I don't ask much from people usually,but I would appreciate prayers or vibes or whatever you feel comfortable with. You that read my blog should know that I don't judge other people badly just because they don't believe the same way I do. I believe that everyone deserves to be loved and to experience love just for the simple fact that they exist. It's this "love" that I'm questioning now. Does she love me? Or is it only convenient for her to love me when nothing is required of her-when I don't need her?

Ever since I met her, she has been like my air. She is a part of me. I can't exist without her. She is closer to me than any sister could be. I love her. I don't think she knows how much. I would die for her. And no I'm not kidding and I'm not just saying that out of a rush of emotion. Now, I'm wondering if she feels the same way about me. I'm wondering if my definition of friendship has been totally different from hers all this time. We've been friends for 10 years.

It would be so easy for me to lash out at her, but I can't. I don't want to hurt her even though she's hurt me. I've had imaginary conversations in my mind of all the things I could say, but they're all so stinging and meant to pierce right into her heart the way she has pierced mine. I can't do it, though. I love her.

Whenever she aches, I ache. Whenever she's happy, I'm happy. Like I said, she's my air. To cut off my friendship with her would be tantamount to cutting off one of my limbs. So, I'll keep this hurt to myself and forgive her for it even though she may never know. One day, in the future, I may tell her how she hurt me. When all this ache has dissipated and I'm not so prone to want to hurt her just because she hurt me.

It seems like I always suffer alone. I don't know if I prefer it that way. Do I push people away when I'm aching? It seems like to me that I'd rather have someone that I love be there for me and just hold me when I'm desperately crying out my heart to God; when my emotions are so raw that the slightest misplaced word burns me.

Am I alone in this? Do you guys prefer to suffer your pain alone, or do you reach out for the people you know that love you? That's my problem, I guess. I don't really know who loves me for sure. My three closest friends always say that they do. We end every conversation with, "I love you," and "I love you too,". Is it just an automatic response on their part or do they really mean it? I'm not so unsure right now of two of them than I am of the one particular one who has just kicked my legs right out from under me. It makes me question our friendship. Maybe it needs to be redefined. Maybe I just need to resign myself to not rely on her for anything anymore.

I'm so hurt. I ache in my heart and I'm so confused.



Blogger Crazy Like A Fox said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt and betrayed by your friend. I've been there before too. It's tempting to either rip them a new asshole or to go to the other extreme and just blow it off. It's been my experience though that it's best to give it a few days to let yourself cool off and then sit down with your friend and be honest with her about how her actions made you feel. She may not even know she hurt you.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I really enjoy reading your's. Good luck to you.

August 28, 2006 10:36 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I did sit down and talk with her last night and told her how I was feeling. She said that she didn't mean to hurt me with what she said and we basically got it all worked out. I can't really stay mad at her for long anyway. I'm still sort of achey, though. That may be from the re-opening of the grief of my friend David's death.

Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. And I'm glad you enjoy reading my blog. I get so few comments that I wonder if anyone does. It's really more for myself, though, than anyone else, so I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone comments or not. I do like to feel connected to people by some sort of common thread, though. Don't you?

August 29, 2006 2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


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August 31, 2006 11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

saying I love you everytime you part is like having ice cream for dessert every day. It becomes mundane.

I hope you don't feel like throwing yourself in the river.
Besides making you a litter-bug, it would end your blogging career and you really do need to keep at it.

September 03, 2006 1:42 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

It seems like you are very intelligent. I hope that you will consider getting therapy or talking to a counselor, if you aren't already.

When I get feeling overwhelmed or confused, I find that doing the sentence stem exercises in the book "Six Pillars of Self Esteem" is a great help.

Best to you.

Oh yeah, here via blogexplosion.

My Blog

September 03, 2006 10:46 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

To the 2nd anonymous posting person: I say I love you to every one I love in my life as often as I can because I don't know how long I will be here or how long they will be here. I've recently lost someone that I love and I now realize how important it is to let people know how you feel. I've been my entire life afraid to say what I feel. Now, I just say it. I think it's part of my therapy. If I knew you in real life and you were a person I loved, I would not only show it with actions, but also I would tell you (not constantly like a buzz in your ear), but every time I felt it was appropriate and every time that I could. Does that make sense? I've been in class all day and have just now gotten home. Very tired. I guess there's only so much caffeine can do. Really, though, I appreciate your comment and I understand what you mean about words being over used. That can be annoying. And thanks for encouraging me to keep on blogging.

To Chris: Thanks for the compliment. I like to think I'm a bit intelligent. It helps my self-esteem (hehe). I do go to therapy every week and I take meds for my personality disorders. I'll have to check out that book you mentioned.

September 07, 2006 11:07 PM  

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