Simultaneously Happy and Sad. How Is That Possible And Is It Even Legal?

I feel: ...I can't describe it.



The translating job on Tuesday went a lot better than I expected it to. It was a 12-hour thing and for the first 11 hours, I only talked to one person who didn't speak English. So, that left me with A LOT of time on my hands. Thank God, I brought my books. I spent a lot of time looking up medical terms in my dictionary. Words like: 'cholesterol', which turns out to be 'colesterol'; 'cereal', which is 'cereal' and 'blood pressure', which turns out to be 'tension de sangre' (literally 'tension/pressure of the blood'). There was no definition for B.M.I. (Body Mass Index), so I had to paraphrase the meaning, which took way more time than just saying B.M.I. and having someone know what that means. The last hour, however, I talked to like 9 guys who spoke no English whatsoever. It was all very rushed and while some of them looked at me like I was the Madonna when I began to speak Spanish, others looked at me like they were really confused. I kept asking,"Tengas mas preguntas para mi?" (Do you have any more questions for me?") which invariably would cause some of them to go into a state of confusion. I felt kind of weird. I got paranoid for a second and thought, "Am I saying what I think I'm saying?. Maybe I'm asking them if they've had sex with sheep, or something." I kept having to reassure myself by looking up words in the dictionary and certain verbs, conguations and their meanings in my 501 Spanish Verbs book. All in all, though, it was good. I got paid $12.75/hour to sit on my ass and alternatively take off my shoes at times and engage in various yoga poses for the better part of 11 hours and I even got a free lunch and a glow-in-the-dark freezer cup out of the day. So, I'm satisfied. I found out this morning that they don't need me to come back Friday, but that they'll be doing another Health Fair in October and that they definitely want me there to translate. The lady who called me this morning from Premier Staffing said that the boss lady, Hillary, really liked me and said that I did a really good job. So, yay me!

I called Mom Sikes last night just to talk to her and wound up spilling my guts about everything that has been going on at church. She told me, quite bluntly, "The only reason you are going to that church is because you love them and you want to make them love you come Hell or high water. It doesn't work that way. It's not your responsibility to make up ground that they lost." So, I've decided to cut ties with them. I'm not going to attempt any contact and I'm not going back to Calvary Chapel. I have to find somewhere to go where I feel loved and where people appreciate me. Mom reminded me last night of how alive I feel when I'm working with someone (ministering is the word she used) who is just going through Hell. She told me that I was too good of a counselor to waste away at that church trying to make people love me who just don't or can't. She said at one point, "If you don't leave you'll continue to be miserable and one day they might come around and realize how special you are and that they do love you, but at that point you'll be like, 'All this pain wasn't worth it.' and you'll move on anyway." I have to admit that she's right about that. I do feel most alive when I'm serving God; when I know without a doubt that I'm in the right place at the right time doing the thing that I'm supposed to be doing. I miss it, even though it's hard and at times rips my heart out. I guess what I really, really miss the most is that feeling that God is right beside me all the time. You know, in my head, I know that He is, but in my heart sometimes I feel like he's on vacation. But it's really me that has been drifting in and out of a close relationship with God.

It's all worth it, you know. The pain and heartache of trying to reach out to people with the love of God. The love that God has already shown me in abundance. I guess I just forgot or maybe I just didn't want to remember because I have been going through so much of my own pain. I know that I'm not emotionally/mentally ready to take on such a great responsibility right now. Right now, I'm going to focus on myself and on my relationship with God. I've got to keep on healing. I know that sometimes, you have to experience pain in order to heal from it. I can say, at this moment, that I'm ready for it, but tomorrow I might not feel this way. Tomorrow, I may want to crawl in my hole and sit in the darkness of my depression. I hope I can retain this mindset; this willingness to do whatever it takes to heal, to be closer to God, and to be willing to work for Him. ( I just realized that all of this sounds like some kind of self-help book from the local "Christian" bookstore. I hope you guys don't think it's trite and I hope that you don't think I'm just experiencing the "warm fuzzies", because I don't feel warm and fuzzy right now. What I feel right now, is scared. Scared of what comes next.)

At least I've made a definite decision and that alone makes me feel better.