The MaybeprospectivenewPastor And My DefinitelyfuckedupPancreas

I feel:: afraid, cautious and watchful

I was anxious about going to church yesterday because I didn't think I could handle another crying jag like last week. It was good, though. The maybe new-prospective pastor taught. What he said about reaching out to people really resonated with me. I felt like my insides were vibrating.

After ther sermon was over, I was going to introduce myself to Dana, the pastor who taught, but there were like 5 or 6 people surrounding him. I stood in line for a few minutes knowing that Marshall was sitting at the end of the pew right next to where I was standing. I don't know if he was staring at me or what, but the longer I stood next to him the more anxious I got. So, I looked around for an escape and saw Dana's wife, Melody, standing by herself in the next pew over. She seemed to be feeling a bit out of place listening to a convo between Kacey and Renita. So, instead of prolonging my anxiety by waiting in line to meet Dana and standing less than an arm's length away from Marshall, I moved into the next pew and introduced myself to Melody. At first, it was the usual small talk. That didn't last very long, thank God.

She started asking me all sorts of questions about myself and soon we were deep in convo and I felt like I was spilling my guts to her; like I had just slit a vein and was bleeding all over her. I told her about Sold Out, about all of my past abuse; I mean everything. I told her about my daily struggle with the feeling that God had betrayed me and how I was still in so much pain because of the things that have happened to me. I honestly didn't plan on going up to her and laying all of that on her. I told her so and she said a scripture to me which made my eyes widen in surprise and caused my heart to skip a beat. She said, "Just remember the scripture, ' I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' ". I was so surprised that I blurted out, "Oh my God, I woke up with that scripture in my head this morning and I totally put it on my blog before I came to church." She said, calmly, "Well, that's a confirmation that God is speaking to you."(I realize that chartalans and so-called psychics and mediums so this sort of thing all the time out of selfish motives to make people trust them. [For the record: I'm not against real psychics and mediums.] I'm not unaware and I'm not being sucked in. Whenever this has happened to me regarding God, this sort of confirmation has never failed to be right.)We continued to talk after that, my thoughts of Marshall just an erratic blip on the screen of my memory. She ended by praying for me while holding both of my hands in hers.

Afterwards, I still felt really shaky physically. I knew it was my blood sugar level being low that was making me feel so unbalanced. I drove home intending on eating some kind of protein to level myself out, but instead and because I was so hungry (I had forgotten to eat breakfast.), I grabbed the first thing I saw which happened to be two pans of muffins that Dad had made the night before.(I'm paying for that little binge in spades today since I am allergic to the wheat in the muffins. I have felt like I've been having a constant asthma attack all day. Fun times.) I think there were 10 or 12. I ate all of them and promptly sugar crashed a few minutes later. I slept like the dead until about 7:30pm. I'm not sure, but I think I fell asleep around 2:30-3:00pm. When I woke, I was very groggy and shaky again, so I heated some soup (Split Pea and Ham) and ate it. That seemed to stop the shaking for a while.

I tried to go to bed around 10:30pm (trying to follow Dr.'s orders about going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning), but I kept having these vivid memories of the last time I was raped and driving back to Scott and Renita's in a state that was beyond hysterical. I tried to watch a movie, but that really didn't help either. So, I gave into my old standby: junk food binging. I ate nearly a whole package of Oreos. It wasn't full to begin with because Dad had eaten some, but there were still a good half of the package let. I ate all of them, save 4, which I gave to Dad. (Again with the wheat products and sugar. Oy.)

I woke this morning shaking more violently than usual, so I decided to do a blood sugar check just to see if it was really my blood sugar making me shake or if it was my anxiety. (I've been doing a little studying on the internet about hypoglycemia and rapidly changing blood sugar levels and it turns out that low blood sugar can cause anxiety by the body attempting to compensate for the lowness of the blood sugar by dumping adrenaline into the blood stream; hence the shakiness, confusion, rapid heart rate, dizziness...etc. These are all too familiar to me.) My blood sugar was so low that it didn't even register on the monitor. It just displayed "Lo". When I looked up what that meant in the user manual, it said that the device will register "Lo" when blood sugar is below 20 and warned me in no uncertain terms that I should call a doctor immediately. But, since I'm broke and as stubborn as a mule, I didn't make any calls. Instead, I fed the cats, made coffee, and loaded up on supplements which I took with a very large glass of Vanilla Soy Milk.

I've decided to cut sugar and all carbs (except veggies) out of my diet completely. This way of eating is the only way I've ever been able to control my blood sugar levels.

Here's a chart of what I ate and what my blood sugar levels were throughout the day today (from my written journal):

BSL(blood sugar level) before eating: 20 or below
Ate: 11:28am 2 Bratwurst with spicy mustard
Drank: 1 large glass Van. Soy Milk + 1 cup unsweetened coffee (thank God for Splenda)

**will check BSL again in 2 hours**

Reminder: Start buying unsweetened Soy Milk and do away with the Chocolate kind completely.

Took Supplements and Meds
B-12 (sublingual)
Vit. B Complex
N-Acetyl L-Cysteine
Cell Forte
L-Lysine Complex

(out of Prozac until tomorrow)

It's time to get serious about my health. I don't want to slip into Diabetes.

BSL: 1:38pm 110
Ate: approx. 4pm- 2-8oz pieces of baked chicken
3 small red potatoes
1 serving green beans
Drank: 1 Lg glass Van. Soy Milk

**will check BSL again in 2 hours**

BSL: 6pm 113 (so far BSL avg. for day is 74.3-I think pretty low.)
BSL: 7:30pm 104 (started to feel shaky again sort of like this morning so took it again-now BSL day avg. is up a bit to 81.75-better)

Drank: approx 10pm 6oz Chocolate Soy Milk (what was left in the carton)
Took: with Soy Milk my last 2 Klonopin for the day

**will check BSL again in 2 hours if I'm still awake**


Blogger Just Me said...

Please go to the doctor. Before it's too late. My friend fell into a coma and discovered he was diabetic - very late in life. It's only because he lived right next door to the hospital and managed to call a friend that he's alive today. Go to the doctor - what you're describing is a string of warning signals.

May 31, 2006 6:18 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I plan on going to see my family physician as soon as I have some money and have him to a test to see if I'm passing sugar in my urine. That will definitely tell if I'm Diabetic or not.

Since that day, I've been eating mostly protein and veggies-no sugar. My blood sugar level kind of hovers right around 100. I've been checking it every 3-4 hours. This morning, my waking blood sugar level was 113. I thought that was pretty good after sleeping for 8 or more hours.

I've also been reading up on Hypoglycemia in my book on natural healing and have started again with the supplements I have known all along that I'm supposed to be taking.

After I go to the doc. I'll post here what the results are: whether or not I'm passing sugar in my urine.

You are right to be concerned and I hope you don't think I'm disregarding what you said. I'm not. I take it very seriously.

On Monday when my blood sugar level didn't even register on the monitor, it freaked me out. I know in my post, I sound sort of laissez-faire about it, but it did worry me. Enough for me to drastically change my lifestyle from that moment.

May 31, 2006 6:53 PM  
Blogger Just Me said...

Take care. You sound to be doing your best to do that.

June 01, 2006 6:30 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I got your comment that you left earlier today, but, like a dumbass, I deleted all of my email before I could publish it. I just wanted to let you know. Thanks so much. :D

June 01, 2006 9:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know me, and I've come here via petite anglaise's blog.

PLEASE see a doctor. My little sister died of diabetes when she was 33. She had it since she was 15. The most insidious aspect of it is your ability to sort things diminishes, and the worst of this is you think you can outsmart it. You've probably heard of ketosis, a good condition to get into when dieting. Ketoacidosis is life threatening. Your body spirals down, and you can't stop it. You get a headache, and you can't catch your breath. My sister tried to go on diets. She got into it twice, and got taken to the hospital and saved. The third time, she died. Another important fact: 1/2 of Medicare and Medicaid costs are diabetic-related. So they WILL cover you. Saying you don't have the money, your mind is playing tricks on you. PLEASE hear this through the distortion!!!

June 07, 2006 12:07 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I do intend to see a doctor about what is going on with me and you are right that Medicare/Medicaid does pay for that kind of thing. I have already applied for Medicaid (I'm not eligible for Medicare.) and I'm still waiting to know whether or not that has been approved. So, until my dad let's the moths fly out of his wallet again, I can't go to the doctor.

But I did apply for a job the other day that I think I might get. Granted, it's nothing big, exciting or glamorous, but it's a job that pays money. Just a switchboard operator job, but I'm pretty good at that. I should know next week whether or not I'm hired and if I am then it's just a matter of waiting for my first paycheck so I can go to see the doc.

I really do appreciate your concern. It says something very good about a person who can appeal so heartfelt-ly to another person to take care of themselves when they don't even know that person. By the way, I haven't had another one of those episodes where my BSL has dropped below 20.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to you before now. Something with Blogger or my server. I kept getting the "Bad Response From Server" message.

June 08, 2006 12:41 PM  

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