It's A 2 Klonopin Church Day

I feel: still somewhat shaky

I'm feeling really shaky this morning. I don't know if it's because of my blood sugar or my anxiety, or both. I talked to a guy who I go to church with the other day and he asked me if I was going to be coming to church this Sunday to hear our maybe prospective new pastor teach. While I'd like to hear him teach, I don't want a repeat of last week's cry-a-thon. I'm anxious about seeing Marshall. I don't really know why I give a shit, but I hope this Sunday he doesn't treat me like the Invisible Woman again. I told my friend Ashley about that. I asked her,"What would you think if someone you had known for 15 years walked right by you in a small room, looked straight at you and didn't say a word. Then proceeded to avoid you for the rest of the time you were there?" She said, "Unless he was in a hurry (he wasn't), or had something on his mind (I can't know what he was thinking. I just supposed that it was to get as far away from me as possible.), then that was really rude. You don't deserve to be treated like that. No one does." I have to run things like this past my friends because, although, for some reason I'm really good at looking at other people's lives objectively, I can't seem to do that with my own. Like I wasn't even sure if I should have been upset or not because I wasn't really sure if what he did was rude.

I was going to write this down in my written journal. You know, sort of have a quiet morning writing, drinking coffee and listening to music, but my hands are shaking way too badly to try to write. It would come out looking like a second-grader wrote it. So, instead, I'm typing, listening to music and drinking coffee (and constantly having to adjust the volume on my Winamp player. I don't know if it's just me being sensitive this morning or if the music actually does get louder in places.) I am trying to fend off another one of my headaches this morning. This time I made my own coffee just in case the church ladies are waiting en masse in the coffee shop again this morning, besides I don't need to spend 5 dollars on one cup of coffee (I would do it if I had a job, but since I don't. I don't have any source of income and 5 dollars for a cup of coffee seems exorbitant to me right now. Even if it is the mother of all large Lattes.) and I don't need all that sugar.

In that vein, I've decided to cut way down on my sugar and carb intake. Something has to be done about my weight. I can almost guarantee that when I step on the scale tomorrow to check my weekly weight, there won't be any loss. Probably no gain either, so at least that's a good thing. The carbs and sugar make my blood sugar levels crazy and that, in turn, adds to the craziness of my mood swings. (I'm remembering an incident at WalMart several years ago with Sally during the Christmas season when we were in the Christmas section. I was wanting to buy ornaments for my dinky tree, but when I checked my wallet, I had like 2 dollars. I thought I had more money than that. It was then that I yelled/lamented very loudly, "WHY DO I NEVER HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY?" This incident was about 15 minutes after I had eaten a rather large piece of chocolate cake. So, you get the picture. When I looked around for Sally, I think she had snuck off to the Hardware section or something. Probably embarrassed that I was screaming in WalMart.) Also, my back is killing me practically all the time because of the weight I've gained. And lets not even talk about how big my breasts are. Oy. Jesus, I feel like a big piece of flab.

So, here's my verse to keep running through my head on that loopy conveyor belt I call my brain:
Phi 4:13 I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

All I can say now, is please give me strength. Church shouldn't be a place where I feel trepidation at the thought of going. I'm going to be late as it is, so maybe I can get my usual place in the corner of the very back pew.


The Scripures that were taught today:
Luk 10:25-37
Luk 10:25 Cierto intérprete de la ley (experto en la Ley de Moisés) se levantó, y para poner a prueba a Jesús dijo: "Maestro, ¿qué haré para heredar la vida eterna?"
Luk 10:26 Y Jesús le dijo: "¿Qué está escrito en la Ley? ¿Qué lees en ella?"
Luk 10:27 Respondiendo él, dijo: "AMARAS AL SEÑOR TU DIOS CON TODO TU CORAZON, Y CON TODA TU ALMA, Y CON TODA TU FUERZA, Y CON TODA TU MENTE, Y A TU PROJIMO COMO A TI MISMO."
Luk 10:28 Entonces Jesús le dijo: "Has respondido correctamente; HAZ ESTO Y VIVIRAS."
Luk 10:29 Pero queriendo él justificarse a sí mismo, dijo a Jesús: "¿Y quién es mi prójimo?"
Luk 10:30 Jesús le respondió: "Cierto hombre bajaba de Jerusalén a Jericó, y cayó en manos de salteadores, los cuales después de despojarlo y de darle golpes, se fueron, dejándolo medio muerto.
Luk 10:31 "Por casualidad cierto sacerdote bajaba por aquel camino, y cuando lo vio, pasó por el otro lado del camino.
Luk 10:32 "Del mismo modo, también un Levita, cuando llegó al lugar y lo vio, pasó por el otro lado del camino.
Luk 10:33 "Pero cierto Samaritano, que iba de viaje, llegó adonde él estaba; y cuando lo vio, tuvo compasión.
Luk 10:34 "Acercándose, le vendó sus heridas, derramando aceite y vino sobre ellas; y poniéndolo sobre su propia cabalgadura, lo llevó a un mesón y lo cuidó.
Luk 10:35 "Al día siguiente, sacando dos denarios (salario de dos días) se los dio al mesonero, y dijo: 'Cuídelo, y todo lo demás que gaste, cuando yo regrese se lo pagaré.'
Luk 10:36 "¿Cuál de estos tres piensas tú que demostró ser prójimo del que cayó en manos de los salteadores?"
Luk 10:37 El intérprete de la ley respondió: "El que tuvo misericordia de él." "Ve y haz tú lo mismo," le dijo Jesús.