16.5.06

How Independent Thinking Is A Threat To Even The Most Educated Of Minds

I feel:: pissed as fuck
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Evanescence~Anywhere

Therapy day was yesterday.

After all of the conversation I and my therapist had about what a good idea it would be for me to keep a journal and after all the time that I spent transferring all of my live journal entries to this Blogger site so it would be more printer-friendly because my therapist told me that he wanted me to bring in my journal entries every week so he could read them; after all of that, he told me yesterday, or rather asked me in that all-knowing therapist way, if I thought I was too self-involved. What?

First of all, what would a personal journal be about if it wasn't about me, my life, my thoughts, and what happens to me on a daily basis? I told him, "That's why I made the journal so I could be self-involved. That's the only place I get to release my thoughts, my anger, frustration and basically everything else that goes on in my life. It's about me." (Incidently, I've also begun journaling in my paper journal again. I kind of like it. There's something about putting actual pen to paper. I don't know what it is, but it's sort of calming. No telling what he'll have to say about that. I've also begun a journal keeping track of my weight loss (goals, achievements excersising, body measurements and whatnot), which is also a paper journal. All this journaling...all this independent thinking...it's quite dangerous, don't you think?)

He pointed out one entry that I made on 4/02/06 (that was the "beware of the Jerry Springer shit" post) that was particularly long right before he asked me if I thought I was too self-involved and then wondered aloud if I thought that all this journaling was counter-productive. He didn't specify what it he thought was it was counter-productive to, so all I can do is assume he meant my overall mental state. What?

He asked me then what my daily routine was and how much time I spent on my computer (on average) every day. I told him that I have a certain way I do things when I get up in the mornings: I feed the cats, make coffee, take my meds, maybe eat, then get on the computer to check email and read journals and whatnot. Other than that, my life really doesn't have a routine.

How can you have a routine when you are taking college classes? You never know how much you'll have to study; therefore, you'll never know how much stress you'll be under, so you don't know how much or how little you'll eat or not eat. You never know what time you'll go to bed, because sometimes, you just pass out on your books or at your computer while studying. I also told him that if I don't have anything else to do, like going to class or some other pressing thing, that I might spend anywhere from a couple of hours to approx. six hours on my computer daily. He seemed to think that was too much because, in his opinion, I should be interacting with people in real life. That's a good idea in theory, but there are really very few people that I like in real life; very few people that I trust. I don't think that's weird, but evidently, my therapist does. Do you guys think it's odd? I mean, I can't see that it is because, for one thing, I like to write, and for another, there are so many people that have journals that I read, not only on here, but on Live Journal and Myspace, that sometimes it takes awhile to catch up with what is going on with everyone. How is that being self-involved? Don't we all try to keep up with what is going on in each other's lives and support each other when we can? I don't think that is being self-invovled.

Secondly, regarding that uber-long post I made on 4/02/06, it was all about the history of my eating-disordered thinking, behavior, and how it has affected every facet of my life. Granted, I wrote that post before I ever met my therapist, but if he really wanted to know me in order to help me, it would seem like it would behoove him to take that info into consideration. Seems to me like it would be very useful. Maybe I'm just a super-green undergrad, but that just seems like common sense to me. Another thing: if I had not made that post all at one time, I doubt he would have red-flagged him. If I had just made like 4 or 5 posts out of it, he probably would never have mentioned it.

Thirdly, how many people in this country, or for that matter this state and this city, spend more than 6 hours a day in front of the damn television? I'm beginning to really hate tv. At least when I'm on the computer, I'm using my brain and it's interactive. Watching tv is a non-interactive activity. It sucks your brain right out through your ears what with all the advertisements foisted on you and images of male and female perfection that are completely unattainable for the majority of people. Yes, there are adverts on the internet, but that depends on which sites you go to. I only go to the same sites most of the time and those have relatively nothing to do with advertising. The sites I visit are mostly you guys' journals and other sites about writing. I mean you can tell by just looking at my link list where I go. At least when I'm on the internet, I have some modicum of control over what's being presented to me via which sites I choose to visit, but tv is a whole different ball game.

So, I guess that's my soap box speech for today. One more thing, though: I just can't believe the undertones of the things he was telling me, which were to conform to society, or rather to conform to what he thinks is normality. (What is normality anyway and what is abnormality? It all depends on a person's individual perspective and he shouldn't be pushing his on me. That's not what he's being paid for.) He told me that I should have a routine every day. The same routine every day. I think that is completely ridiculous. I can feel that old rebelliousness rising in me just thinking about it. I didn't realize it while I was sitting in his office. I mean, I thought what he was saying was confusing, but the more I got a chance to think about it, the more it pissed me off. Right now, I feel like screaming at him: "I'm not like everyone else! I have never been and never will be! That's what makes me special! How dare you suggest that I suppress who I really am in favor of becoming one of the mindless sheep?!"

Needless to say, I'm quite frustrated with him. It will be three weeks before I see him again, but you can bet that these things will not have left my mind and he will get a piece of it the next time I see him.

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