2.5.06

HOW DARE YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME?! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?!

I feel:: betrayed, homicidal, suicidal, unloved, sick, extremely angry, depressed, anxious, extremely determined to get the fuck away from my dad
There's no music. My head hurts too bad for music.

My dad came home in a drunken rage last night cursing at me and assaulting me physically because he said that the cat litter box was not clean enough. I don't know who I want to cut more: me or him. I had a panic attack that lasted from 10pm last night to most of all day today. I couldn't even go to class today because my eyes were swollen nearly shut from crying and I've had a migraine ever since. And he's acting like everything is normal. That's scary because that says to me that he thinks he has a right to do those things to me. He doesn't. The only thing he said to me last night after it happened was,"There's dumplings in the kitchen if you want them," and, "When are you going to go grocery shopping?" He asked that last question because he knows that my food stamp money renews on the first of every month. I'm not buying him nada. Fucking pieso de mierda.

He used to beat me a lot when I was a kid, but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm a grown woman and I'm not going to put up with that shit. He's sitting in his bedroom now and I have a clear view of him. I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to bitch slap the shit out of him.

I'm not waiting on my disability. Fuck that $542/month. I'm getting a job tomorrow. I don't care what it is. I'm moving out and he can pick his own crippled ass up off the floor the next time he's too drunk and trips over his own damn feet. I want no more ties with him. I'm not even going to tell him I'm moving or where I'm moving. One night when he's out drinking, I'll have some movers come over here and move all of my stuff out. I'm not saying "bye", "kiss my ass", or anything. Fuck him




EDIT: It's now 2am and I can't sleep because I have this growing ball of hatred in my stomach and I can actually feel it. It's sitting there like some sort of stony parasite. I still have the headache, by the way, and I've taken 3 or 4 prescription headache pills today and two 0.5 mg tablets of Klonopin about every 6 hours or so and I'm still mad as fuck and my eye is twitching non-stop. I have so much tension in my neck that I can barely move my head from side-to-side. I have the most awful thoughts running through my head right now.

5 Comments:

Blogger The Menace Within said...

Damn Girl..No one deserves to be treated badly. Booze is a bad mix with those with low self-esteem. I will send positive karma your way and please, don't lower yourself to his level. (Although, I know that I've wanted to bitch slap more than a few people in my life.)
Hey I don't really know you, but I know you have talent; I read your posts and can tell there's a lot more to you than what those around you think. BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF. I just had a bad bout with not believing in myself too.

May 02, 2006 10:58 PM  
Blogger mi-kill said...

whoa...blog surfing turns up some interesting stuff...good luck with therapy

May 04, 2006 5:45 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thanks for your thoughts. Very much appreciated.

May 04, 2006 8:30 PM  
Blogger mi-kill said...

what's Klonopin do for you? depressant?

May 05, 2006 7:36 AM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Klonopin is in a class of drugs called benzodiazapines. My Psychiatrist prescribes it for me because I have Panic Disorder, among other things. It's an anti-anxiety drug. Without Klonopin, I really can't function because of my anxiety levels. My whole body shakes constantly. It's like having your whole body go into one big muscle spasm. I also get very afraid of things that normally I wouldn't be afraid of: like going outside. I'm not agoraphobic, but when I'm in one of my states, I don't leave the house for weeks at a time.

Anyway, the Klonopin for me is a lifesaver. It helps me to function in school and that is very important to me as I'm almost finished with my double-major and plan on going to grad school for Clinical Psychology. You know, they say that the Psychiatrists and the Psychologists are the looniest people you could ever meet. I can imagine that I would be one of those.

May 05, 2006 1:32 PM  

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