24.5.06

Friday: I cried.

I feel:: disappointed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Over The Rhine~Lifelong Fling

My birthday sort of sucked this year. On Friday, the 19th, I found out that the job I really wanted I didn't get. The guy I interviewed with told me that I was all but hired. I called him on Friday morning at about 8:15am; he said that they were going to make a decision that day as to who got to go on to a second interview with the chief of the department. So, naturally, that knowledge put me in a high state of anxiety, especially because of his last comment while we were on the phone, which was, "So, If you don't hear from us today, then that would be really bad."

I carried my phone with me everywhere I went in the house that day. Actually, I didn't really do anything that day. I just laid in bed listening to music and staring at the ceiling clutching my cell phone in my hand. The closer it got to 4:30pm, which is the time their office closes, the more anxious I got. 4:30 came and went and still I could do nothing but lay in bed and wallow in my anxiety. Finally, at about 6pm, I couldn't stand it anymore. At that point, I knew I had been passed over, but I was so anxious and angry that I jumped out of bed thinking to myself, "Fuck it. I'm calling his cell phone." When he answered, he sounded really surprised that it was me. I bluntly asked him why I wasn't chosen to go on to a second interview. His answer was that I didn't have enough accounting experience and that the two who were chosen for the second interview had heavy accounting experience.

I guess he felt like he needed to reassure me because right after he told me that, he began to say things like, "You're intelligent," and "You're so bright," and "You interviewed really well," and my favorite, "You'll get a job at UAMS. I promise." At the time, I was so upset that I didn't realize that the reason he was saying those things was because the excuse he had just given me about accounting experience was bullshit (Although, even through my anxiety, I could recognize empty plattitudes. Like he really gives a shit.). He felt guilty. There was nothing said in my interview that heavy accounting experience was incumbent on my getting hired. It was mentioned in passing only. Furthermore, when I met the girl whom I thought I was going to replace, she explained to me every aspect of her job (My interview lasted an hour and half. She had time.) and it included very little accounting, only basic math. It was mainly a purchasing position; purchasing things for certain doctors as needed and making sure that they got reimbursed for their per diems when they had to travel to the various clinics connected to the Developmental Center which were all around the state. I didn't find this to be challenging at all. I mean, I'd have to learn how they did it procedure-wise, but my god, how hard could it be?

After I got of the phone with him, I still couldn't do anything but lay silent in bed. Then, Sally called wanting to know if I still wanted to go see the DaVinci Code with she and Tanya. It was supposed to be part of my birthday present. When Sally asked me what was wrong (Sally has been my friend for 10 years, she can tell by the sound of my voice when I'm upset even if I'm trying to hide it.), I completely broke down and started crying hysterically. I couldn't really even talk. Sally tried to comfort me, but I was in such a state having held in all that anxiety all day, that I couldn't be comforted. I tried to tell her that I needed to get off the phone because I was obviously to hysterical to talk, but she didn't understand what I said, which is understandable, I barely understood what I had said. So, I took a deep breath and forced myself to speak semi-coherently and repeated myself. Thankfully, I managed to get it out so that it was intelligible. Sally said she understood and that she loved me.

When I got off the phone with her, I couldn't stop crying. I cried the rest of the that night and into the next day. I did manage to sleep during that time because I think by the end of the day, I had taken 8 Klonopin (and because of all the crying, I had given myself one hell of a migraine) and 2 of those Esgic Plus headache pills from Dad's store. I wanted to be numb. I was having suicidal and self-injury thoughts and I knew that the only way I could get those voices to be silent was to take as much numbing medication as I could stand. I realize that this is not the best way to deal with anxiety and being upset. I've already been lectured to by Sally and Tanya on the dangers of overdosing on Klonopin. I haven't taken that much since last Friday. I've been sticking to the prescribed dosages.

Ever since that day, I've been thinking about why getting that job was so important to me. I guess I was counting on it to be my chance to get away from my dad. Also, the people who worked in that office seemed more like a family than co-workers. I wanted that family experience at work. I've been looking for that in every job I've ever had, but never found it. I really wanted to feel like part of a family again. Granted, Sally, Tanya, Ashley and Lainie are the closest family I'll ever have (I should consider myself lucky.), but I guess I wanted too much. I wanted that feeling of acceptance and belonging at my job too.

Edit: Sally and Tanya did take me to see The DaVinci Code on Monday night and gave me birthday presents and paid for me to have pancakes at IHOP. Saturday night, Lainie took me to Downtown Records to see some hardcore bands and that was fun. I think I just really needed to veg out and not think about anything, even though I couldn't understand what the singers were saying for the most part, the music was good. So, mostly, everything is better now. Sometimes, I don't realize how much I need them in my life and then the reality smacks me in the face.

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