15.4.06

Martha Stewart has a sit down with Scarlett O'Hara about the need for not procrastinating

I feel:: crazy

I haven't felt like disclosing much lately. I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, although last week when the seal on my washing machine broke and several gallons of water seeped into the carpet, Laren came over with his handy-dandy Shop Vac and vacuumed it all up for me. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! He brought his two daughters, who were hysterically funny running back and forth from the kitchen to the living room. They pulled out all of the cat toys from their carrier and had more fun with them than the cats ever did. Laren kept turning around frowning, suspicious, but I didn't care that they were sqealing with laughter. I thought it was great. My dad didn't quite know how to handle all of that activity and noise, so he just sort of sat there in his recliner and looked uncomfortable.

I've got the cleaning bug lately. The day it hit me was the day the washer seal broke. I had only done one load of laundry when it happened. The day after Laren came over, Dad and I went to the local Sears outlet store and bought a new washer and a new dryer. I love them. They've got all these cool buttons and when you turn the lights off they look like little UFOs because of all the lights on the front of them. The first load of laundry I did, my dad, Tanya and I stood in fron of the washer for at least 20 minutes watching the towels go clockwise for a bit, and then counterclockwise for a bit. I remember saying, "That's the weirdest thing I've ever seen,"(the things that amuse a simple mind). I have now done all of my laundry. I mean all of it. And, I put it all away, which is a big thing for me. I'm having this weird nesting thing going on. I even washed the curtains. The day that Laren came over, I worked myself into a right good old sweat cleaning my two rooms, the living room, the kitchen and the bathroom. (Wanna talk OCD? The belt on my vacuum cleaner has been broken for awhile and I had it in my head that the carpet needed cleaning so I swept it, but not with a big broom, with a little bitty, hand held broom sitting in the floor and moving when I needed to. I did about one square foot at a time. I did the whole house like that.) Unfortunately, I didn't have time to take a shower before he came over. (Sorry about that Laren. I know I was probably stinky.) Today, besides doing the rest of my laundry, which was about 4 or 5 loads, I hung curtain swags in both of my rooms (which I had previously washed). They're very decorative. Wow, I must be channeling Martha Stewart. The one thing I couldn't bring myself to do today, though, was change out the cat box. I sort of feel like Scarlett O'Hara in that regard thinking, "I can't think about that today. I'll think about that tomorrow." After all, who likes shoveling cat shit? I bet even Martha wouldn't do it. The next thing you know, I'll be making doilies or doing macrame or some such nonsense.

My headaches are getting worse. I've had one every day for the last two weeks or so. Also, this morning, I woke from having a dream/memory of being raped and/or molested. It was kind of fuzzy, but the whole feeling was pretty scary. No one should have to have dreams like that. I haven't been able to go to many of my classes. Well, Dr. Pittenger has been sick a lot (my Sensation and Perception class), but I've also missed a lot. I missed a test in my Drug Abuse class, but when I talked to my prof. about it, he said that he's only taking the top 3 test grades out of 4, so I could just drop that test. So, I'm ok in that class. I gave him a ride home on Tuesday night, because his van had broken down and no one else would volunteer. I was so nervous having him in my car that I started to go into manic mode, talking super fast and divulging things that I normally wouldn't tell to people I don't know well. My class on Tuesday nights is at Henderson Middle School on Barrow Road and he lives downtown on 23rd street. Between the school and his house, I think I recapped the last two years of my life. I was talking so fast that afterwards I started to get paranoid thinking that he might have thought that I was spun or something. I told Tanya about it and she just shook her head at me. I started thinking about why I was so nervous. I mean, I was just giving him a ride home. Well, the last time I was raped, I was just giving a guy a ride home. Granted, my prof. is nothing like that guy, but still you get the idea. I didn't go to my Applied Psych class on Wed. night because I was still kind of freaked out. I had been on the verge of a panic attack all day, so I called my prof. and asked him if I could do my presentation next week (We're supposed to do a presentation to the class on how to do something. It doesn't matter what it is, so long as it is teaching the class something. One girl I talked to was going to get up in front of the class and tell us all how to make cheese dip.)I left him a voicemail and he called me back saying that he had moved the presentations to next week anyway and that we would be going over the last two topics on the syllabus that night. I apologized and told him that I would just have to get some notes from someone who was in class.

It is so freaking hot in here, either that or I'm having a menopausal hot flash. Tanya and Sally keep telling me that I'm too young to be having menopausal symptoms, but you know, next month is my birthday and I'll be 36. Doesn't menopause start in the mid to late thirties? I'm sweating like a whore in church. Jesus, I feel like a salt-lick.

Here for the past few weeks I've felt like the walking dead. I haven't been able to feel much of anything. I don't know whether it's because everything is relatively calm in my life right now or if it's because I'm swallowing my stress (along with a good lot of ice cream). I guess that's why I haven't written in here in a while. When you feel numb, it's hard to find anything to write about. I do like my blog, though, it forces me to actually feel; to actually think about what's going on. There's something about putting your thoughts down, either on paper or on a blog, that makes you take stock of yourself. At least it works that way for me, if I'm being honest with myself.

I guess I'm going to try to read or something. I've just taken two of dad's wondermous headache pills and a Klonopin, so we'll see how long I can stay awake. At least I'll be pain-free and anxiety-less. Maybe I'll read the Chronicles of Narnia. I've never gotten all the way through those books, but then again, I could read The DaVinci Code. I've never finished that either, but it's been such a long time since I started it that I would have to start at the beginning. Hmmm...an interesting proposition considering my state of mind. Reading a book from beginning to end is sort of like cleaning house. The more you read, the more things fall into place and when you're finished, you feel like you've accomplished something. Maybe I'm crazy or maybe it's just my nesting-thing talking.

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