Just A Spoonfull of Ice Cream Makes The Anger Go Down In The Most Delightful Way
I feel:: frustrated and angry
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Mary Poppins~Just A Spoonful of Sugar (What's scary is that I can sing all of those songs perfectly from memory along with all of the Disney songs and most of the Sesame Street songs. What's even weirder is that when I'm singing them, I imagine myself to be the character singing the song from the movie. Fantasy-prone personality? I'd say...probably...yes.)
So I accomplished one of my goals today: I finished filling out the paperwork for the SSI thing and mailed it off. They want to know the weirdest things about you. Like one particular thing I thought was weird was the question,"Are you right or left-handed?" I mean, what's the purpose of that question and, for that matter, what difference does it make? They might as well have asked me,"Do you pick your nose with your right or left hand and if so, do you find any gold?"
I was planning on studying Chp 10 for my Sensation and Perception class. I need to take some notes on it, but it's not until Tuesday, so I have tomorrow and Monday to do that. I was supposed to have emailed my Applied Psychology professor on Thursday about my presentation and interview (both of which I missed due to panic attacks). He said that he would let me make them up this Wednesday, which will be the last day of class before the final. I don't know if I missed a test in Drug Abuse class last Tuesday because I didn't go, because of yet another day that I was so depressed that I couldn't even leave my room.
I'm causing myself a lot of stress regarding my classes this semester, but it seems like these are things I can't help. I wish I could. When I first started college in '01, I didn't have a problem going to class and studying. Now, it seems like everything I do, I have to force myself to do. Even when it comes to things like doing laundry and taking showers. I feel like I've been on the downhill ski slope of depression and anxiety since '01 and it seems like I'm running into all of the flags marked "nervous breakdown". I'm tired of feeling this way. I want some change. Let me rephrase that: I want some positive change.
My friend, Ashley, came over yesterday afternoon after she got off work and drug me out of the house to go see a movie at the theater. She wanted to see Ice Age II, but I talked her into seeing Silent Hill with me. I love scary movies, but I think Ashley was a little freaked out by it. She said that it was a big mind-fuck. Then I was thinking, "Isn't that why scary movies are scary, because they mess with your mind?" My favorite horror authors have always been the ones that get inside your head and mess around. It's better if you feel like you're in the story. Maybe I'm a freak, but I like that kind of stuff. (I just have to say here that I went to see Saw when it first came to the theater and I hated it. It was just gore for the sake of gore. I hate movies like that.)
Oh yeah, we also got ice cream on our way to the movie. That rocked. Ashley ate hers while driving with her knee. She said,"I'm so glad Dad taught me this knee-driving skill. It's come in handy." I could live on ice cream.
Another thing I accomplished was over the past couple of days, I uploaded every single one of my cds onto my computer so now I don't have to search around for what I like when I want to listen to it. I'm proud of myself for doing that. It may seem like a small accomplishment to ya'll, but considering that I have like 200 cds, it took me a while to do it. I'm also in the midst of transferring all of my blogs from another blog site to this one. My therapist wants me to print out my blogs every week and bring them to my appts. so he can read them. Blogger is more printer-friendly than my other one. I don't know why he won't just get the web addy from me and read them that way. It would cost me a lot less in paper and printer ink. When I suggested it, he said,"If I did that, I would feel like I was spying on you." Then I thought,"What's the difference in reading the same exact thing on paper than on the internet?" I mentioned this to Tanya and she said that he might want hardcopy of it to put in my file, but if that's the case, I'd rather him use his own money for paper and printer ink. Considering I don't have a job and I'm applying for disability and he's a liscenced Psychiatrist, I would bet that he's got a lot more money to spend than I do. Monday, when I got home from my appt. and started trying to transfer everything from one blog to another, I got really angry with him because of this. Now, I'm not so angry, I'm just simmering angry, where I was boiling angry and very frustrated with him.
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Mary Poppins~Just A Spoonful of Sugar (What's scary is that I can sing all of those songs perfectly from memory along with all of the Disney songs and most of the Sesame Street songs. What's even weirder is that when I'm singing them, I imagine myself to be the character singing the song from the movie. Fantasy-prone personality? I'd say...probably...yes.)
So I accomplished one of my goals today: I finished filling out the paperwork for the SSI thing and mailed it off. They want to know the weirdest things about you. Like one particular thing I thought was weird was the question,"Are you right or left-handed?" I mean, what's the purpose of that question and, for that matter, what difference does it make? They might as well have asked me,"Do you pick your nose with your right or left hand and if so, do you find any gold?"
I was planning on studying Chp 10 for my Sensation and Perception class. I need to take some notes on it, but it's not until Tuesday, so I have tomorrow and Monday to do that. I was supposed to have emailed my Applied Psychology professor on Thursday about my presentation and interview (both of which I missed due to panic attacks). He said that he would let me make them up this Wednesday, which will be the last day of class before the final. I don't know if I missed a test in Drug Abuse class last Tuesday because I didn't go, because of yet another day that I was so depressed that I couldn't even leave my room.
I'm causing myself a lot of stress regarding my classes this semester, but it seems like these are things I can't help. I wish I could. When I first started college in '01, I didn't have a problem going to class and studying. Now, it seems like everything I do, I have to force myself to do. Even when it comes to things like doing laundry and taking showers. I feel like I've been on the downhill ski slope of depression and anxiety since '01 and it seems like I'm running into all of the flags marked "nervous breakdown". I'm tired of feeling this way. I want some change. Let me rephrase that: I want some positive change.
My friend, Ashley, came over yesterday afternoon after she got off work and drug me out of the house to go see a movie at the theater. She wanted to see Ice Age II, but I talked her into seeing Silent Hill with me. I love scary movies, but I think Ashley was a little freaked out by it. She said that it was a big mind-fuck. Then I was thinking, "Isn't that why scary movies are scary, because they mess with your mind?" My favorite horror authors have always been the ones that get inside your head and mess around. It's better if you feel like you're in the story. Maybe I'm a freak, but I like that kind of stuff. (I just have to say here that I went to see Saw when it first came to the theater and I hated it. It was just gore for the sake of gore. I hate movies like that.)
Oh yeah, we also got ice cream on our way to the movie. That rocked. Ashley ate hers while driving with her knee. She said,"I'm so glad Dad taught me this knee-driving skill. It's come in handy." I could live on ice cream.
Another thing I accomplished was over the past couple of days, I uploaded every single one of my cds onto my computer so now I don't have to search around for what I like when I want to listen to it. I'm proud of myself for doing that. It may seem like a small accomplishment to ya'll, but considering that I have like 200 cds, it took me a while to do it. I'm also in the midst of transferring all of my blogs from another blog site to this one. My therapist wants me to print out my blogs every week and bring them to my appts. so he can read them. Blogger is more printer-friendly than my other one. I don't know why he won't just get the web addy from me and read them that way. It would cost me a lot less in paper and printer ink. When I suggested it, he said,"If I did that, I would feel like I was spying on you." Then I thought,"What's the difference in reading the same exact thing on paper than on the internet?" I mentioned this to Tanya and she said that he might want hardcopy of it to put in my file, but if that's the case, I'd rather him use his own money for paper and printer ink. Considering I don't have a job and I'm applying for disability and he's a liscenced Psychiatrist, I would bet that he's got a lot more money to spend than I do. Monday, when I got home from my appt. and started trying to transfer everything from one blog to another, I got really angry with him because of this. Now, I'm not so angry, I'm just simmering angry, where I was boiling angry and very frustrated with him.
posted by Anais Nin at
11:40 PM
6 Comments:
Thats how I first started writing my blog - my therapist said I should write it down on paper - boys don't do diaries - so I started a blog - I think writing about it, helped as much as therapy.
It was how I discovered I wasn't alone. I wasn't mad.
*but beware the readers who want you to stay in the sad place*
My therapist was really surprised when I told him that I'd rather type out my thoughts than write them down on paper. He asked why. I said,"Because generally my hands shake too much from writing all day in class to write some more when I get home. You wouldn't be able to read it anyway." He went through medical school. I think he should understand that. I type way faster than I write, anyway so that helps me keep up with the thoughts running around in my mind.
I can't imagine anyone would want you or I to actually stay in that place where we feel like we're mad all the time and as you said once "wanting to jump off of something slightly higher than an Ikea sofa". That seems cruel to me, but I guess you're right. There are a lot of cruel people running around who either don't know any better or who just choose to be cruel.
i am sorry you often feel sooooo angery sooo do i a lot but people don't no it cause i hide it. i am a cheerleader and get good grades so everyone just automatically asumes i am just soooooo happy when i am not.
I don't like to tell anyone what to do, but it's been my experience that if you hide your feelings, especially anger, that it can come back on you in a bad way. Anger has a way of eating you from the inside out if you don't have a way to express it. Please don't think I'm trying to tell you what to do. I'm just saying that I've experienced it that way, so have my friends, and basically everyone else that I've ever known.
People shouldn't judge others by appearances, but they do. I remember when I was in high school being so jealous of the cheerleaders because it seemed like they all had the perfect lives and the perfect boyfriends, but when I got to know some of them I realized that they were just as confused and fucked up as I was.
Take care of you.
Anias: I am left handed and damn proud of it. (I've heard that it indicates the use of the right side of the brain, the creative side.) Why not go see Ice Age II next time, have some lemonade, find a nice comfortable grassy hill and roll down it like we did as kids? It's fun! Might put a smile on your face and those that watch will think your nuts!!
My bet is the doc wants you to "invest" in yourself by asking you to print out your blog. You really should read my post "Methods of keeping the Menace at Bay" Posted 04-06-06 See #7. Hang tuff!!!
I was talking to my other friend Sally about that "right or left-handed" question last night. You know how some ideas just hit you like a ton of bricks or a flash of lighting or the heavens open and you hear a chorus of Handel's Messiah? Well, that happened to me and I figured that the reason they'd want to know if I was right or left-handed is that the slant changes on writing depending on whether the writer is right or left-handed. Right-handed writers tend to have writing that slants to the right; left-handed to the left. Basically, it's a question to see if the same person filled out the entire questionaire; to see if the hand-writing changes. The funny thing is that even though I'm right-handed, my writing looks like I'm left-handed. I can bet that they'll have fun with that. Anyway, that's my hypothesis.
[rant]
Speaking of my doc, if he wants me to invest in myself by printing out my blog, he should supply me with paper and ink. As it is, I have to beg money off of Dad to get those things and he doesn't have much extra money after bills and all. Last night, I went to Wally World to buy a tri-color cartridge and a black ink cartridge (Woah, is that ever a long story). The tri-color one was $20 dollars and the black one was $15. That may not seem like a lot of money to you, but when you have no money, any amount of money is a lot of money. The only money I have is what is on my food-stamp card.[/rant]
Whew. I feel better. Sorry to be so...ranty. I hope that when I see him today that this issue will be resolved and I can ask him exactly why he wants me to spend money that I don't have instead of me just guessing about it.
I'll check out that post of yours "Methods of Keeping the Menace at Bay". And the next time Dad lets the moths fly out of his wallet, I'll go and see Ice Age II and maybe get a sno-cone.
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