Another boring-thoughts of self-injury day

I feel:: depressed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Somewhere Over the Rainbow

My assignment from my therapist is that I should journal when I feel like self-injuring. I felt fine when I went to class this morning. I thought it was a good thing that I actually went to class considering I didn't go to sleep until 3:15am. When I came home, I went straight to bed, that was about 12 noon. I didn't wake up until 5pm. I stayed up for about an hour and then went back to bed until 8:30pm. I've been up ever since and trying to think of things that I'd like to do, but I can't think of anything. I feel like I'm just not interested in anything today. So, I'll stop being boring now and leave you all to whatever you were doing. I'm going back to bed as there's nothing really that I want to do and I'd rather be asleep than be awake.


Anonymous andre said...

There is nothing wrong with sleep. There is nothing wrong with anything we feel. Over the rainbow is good - it is full of hope - hope is ACE

April 29, 2006 4:23 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I never thought about actually embracing the things I feel. I always try to push them away, especially if they are bad. I don't want to cut on myself anymore, though. It makes me feel like I should be in the crazy house. Well, actually there are a lot of things that make me feel like I ought to be in the nut house, but that one most of all. Thanks for putting it to me that way. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

April 29, 2006 4:40 PM  
Anonymous andre said...

I don't understand cutting - it is something I never did - but I do understand self punishment - I found that understanding I was punishing myself - I wasn't mad - I was just hurting - helped me to start working on hurting less - It was a very slow process for me - but once I began to kill the mad thoughts - the sorting it out seemed more possible. I think what helped me the most - was to know I wasn't alone - that really helped - you are not alone, people are amazing, bloggers are amazing, whilst they can't fix you - only you can do that - they will, every now and then hold your hand.

April 29, 2006 9:07 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Yeah, the mad thoughts bother me quite a bit. I have conversations with myself in my head and sometimes the conversations get so loud it feels like I can't hear myself think. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say.

I don't really understand cutting either, except I know that inflicting physical pain on myself helps me feel better emotionally. The only thing I can think of to reason why this happens is that when physical pain happens to your body, it responds with adrenaline and endorphins (our bodies natural painkillers). I get what athletes call the "runner's high". It's the everything's-going-to-be-alright-because-mom-has-just-wrapped-me-in-a-fuzzy-blanket feeling. I used to take a lot of painkillers and muscle relaxers to get that feeling, but it wasn't as euphoric and therefore, not so addictive. I have wanted to cut myself since the last time, but I'm really trying not too, because after the euphoria, I come down really hard and I wind up being more depressed than I was before. It's a vicious cycle.
I think everyone punishes themselves in one way or another. Mine is just easier to see.
Thanks so much for talking to me, Andre. Sometimes I feel so alone and it's comforting to know that someone is thinking about me, even if you are miles and miles away.

April 29, 2006 11:38 PM  
Anonymous andre said...

I am thinking about you - but I can't fix you.

Sometimes I worry that my blog - the way it tried to laugh at depression would offend other people - but Then i realized it was my blog - me dealing with my stuff - the humour helped/helps me - and I cannot worry about other peoples feelings.

But i do understand how fucking horrid it all is.

April 30, 2006 8:24 AM  

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