Affirmation O' The Day: I am not a side of beef (repeat).

I feel:: discontent
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Imogen Heap~ Speeding Cars

Here's a pic of my arm. As you can see, I've been cutting more on myself since my last entry. If you look really hard, you can see the old scar just to the left of the shortest cut. It's a bit discolored. The really long, really angry looking one I did last night. And again with the same result. I felt better after I did it, but I think the blade was hotter this time so the burn is worse. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone and I'm not posting this picture to get attention, quite the opposite. I want to expose what I've done for all to see in the hopes that the reality of what I did and the shame of it will help me not to do it again.I've got to find another, more healthy, way to deal to make myself feel better which doesn't include eating, cutting/burning, or starving myself.

I was supposed to drive to my mom's today, but I just can't handle it. I can't deal with her depression and mine. She wants to talk about her memories of Daddyboy and that only puts me into full on panic mode. Just the other day I was talking to her on the phone and she kept on about this story she'd told me at least twice about an incident with him. I kept saying," Yeah, I remember you told me that," in an effort to cut her story short, but she didn't take the hint. After I got off the phone with her, I had to take a Klonopin and I just went straight to bed. That's all I've been doing for the past week or two: sleeping. I know it's an avoidant behavior and I wish I could stop doing it. I hate myself right now.


Blogger Brady said...

Dude seriously seek professional help!!!

Or maybe you just need to laugh more, at others, especailly those being drunk dumb and ignorant.....if so check us out!


life shouldn't be taken to serious, we all know what happens in the end anyway!!!

April 25, 2006 10:20 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

I am getting professional help. I go to weekly therapy. It just takes time to develop healthy coping skills, which I don't really have.

April 25, 2006 10:31 PM  
Blogger The Menace Within said...

Ya know we all deal with stuff different. Just remember, You do matter, people do love you, You are here for a reason. And I understand your frustration..

April 26, 2006 12:13 PM  
Blogger Anias Nin said...

Thanks. That means a lot to me.

April 26, 2006 12:31 PM  

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