15.2.06

I need to visit the Emerald City. Where's the Great and Powerful Oz when I need him?

I feel:: anxious
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~Icicle

I need some courage.

I gave a Valentine card yesterday to someone that I've liked for a very long time. I wrote a letter and stuck it inside. After I wrote the letter, I went to his house and delivered it to him myself.

I knocked on his door for awhile and was about to leave when he answered and came out on his porch shirtless with only a pair of jeans. Distracted? Yes, I was. Very. Not to mention the fact that he'd just gotten out of the shower and he smelled all clean like soap. Plus, he had just finished blowdrying his incredibly long, incredibly blond hair and it was all shiny.

I was all, "Ummm (don'tlookathisnakedchestdon'tlookathisnakedchestdon'tlookathisnakedchest)...I got you an Anti-Valentine's Day card," which I then thrust into his hand. He said, "An Anti-Valentine's Day card? I've never heard of that before." (Don'tlookathisnakedchestdon'tlookathisnakedchestdon'tlookathisnakedchest) I said,"Well, that's probably because I just came up with it." Coyly, he responded, "So, how many other people did you give Anti-Valentine's Day cards to?" Just as coyly, I said, "No one, cuz you're special like that." So, he tore open the envelope, read the card, laughed and said that he would read the letter later.

So, we just stood there on his porch, he with his bulging bare chest and me trying to notice the lattice work on the porch. He said,"It's a really nice day today." I said,"Yeah, it's really pretty." (Oh God, here we go with the small talk. IwanttotouchhischestIwanttotouchhischest.) I turned toward him, took him all in with one sweeping look and said sheepishly,"I would have called you before I came over, but I've never had your phone number." He laughed and replied, "Well, I never thought I'd have the need for another phone number. I don't even think I know my phone number. It's listed, though." (Note to self: look up his phone number when you get home.)
He thanked me for the card and said, "The next time we all go to a movie, I'll have to call you up," after which he hesitated and said, "I don't know when we'll do that but..." I am such the saviour. I covered for him and said casually, "Richard and Kacey have my number if you want to get in touch with me."
We remained on his porch for a few more minutes when I noticed that he had crossed his arms over his chest either from noticing my obvious attempts to try not to look at it or because he was cold. One look at his headlights told me that he was rather chilly, so I said,"You're probably cold, so go inside, put some clothes on and I'll see you later." He tapped the card on his hand, smiled at me, thanked me again for it, then came towards me with his arms open as if for a hug (Oh God-nakedchestnakedchestnakedchestnakedchest). I hugged him with a full on frontal hug, not one of those 'We're just friends' side hugs. He hugged me really tightly back. OH. MY. GOD. (The only thing I could think of at that moment, besides the fact that his naked flesh was against me and how good he smelled, was how glad I was that I had taken my Klonopin earlier that day, otherwise I'd be having a heart attack right about now.)

After the hug, I said good-bye or "I'll see you later", or some version of the two. I really don't remember what I said, actually. I had to hold on to the railing of the stairs of his porch in order to make it down without falling. I got into my car, pulled out of his driveway, started the drive home and then freaked out. I called Tanya and said, "Hey, I just gave Marshall the Anti-Valentine's Day card and I just wanted to let you know that I'm kinda freaked out, so I'll talk to you later, k?" Right after that, I called Sally and said basically the same thing. They both laughed at me and told me that everything would be alright. All I can say at this point is that it's a good thing I had a 2 hour and 40 minute class to go to right after that or else I would have sat at home and just had myself a good old panic attack. As it was, I had to go to Drug Abuse class, which kept my mind occupied at least until 8:40, but when I got into my car to drive home, he was all I could think about. I had a million thoughts running through my head, the majority of which concerned him being freaked out that I gave him a Valentine's card in the first place. I kept trying to console myself, by reliving the conversation we had on his porch and how his face lit up when he saw that it was me standing at his door. Nevertheless, when I got home, I took another Klonopin and went to bed. I had constant dreams of him last night. None that I can remember right now, though.

This is sickeningly sweet, isn't it? My teeth are starting to ache from the sweetness.

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