I chase after courage. It's like a floating balloon that I can only occasionally grasp the tail of.

I feel:: disappointed
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Enya~Paint The Sky With Stars

I already know that I'm a big girl, so anyone that sees fit to tell me what I already know will not be looked upon kindly at all.

I'm starting a weight loss program with supervision of my family doctor. I'm going to be excercising with Yoga and Pilates. I'm also taking Xenecal as of yesterday. I not only want to lose weight so that I can feel better about myself, but also, let's face it I'm 35. My weight is only going to keep going up and up and up as I get older. I have to get control of it now. I also have a lot of hip and back pain because of my scoliosis. My back muscles spasm a lot due to the curvature of my spine, also since I have scoliosis, my pelvis doesn't sit midline, which means that one of my legs is longer than the other. This is why whenever people see me, I'm most often leaning on my left leg with my right leg kicked out. Anyway, because of my pelvis not being midline, I have a lot of hip joint pain. We all also know that I have ginormous, hugungeous breasts. That also puts strain on my back. I think each of my breasts weighs about 5 or 6 pounds. The excess weight I'm carrying around on my body doesn't help anything either. Put all of this together and you've got me going through Ibuprofen like tic-tacs. I think last night I only actually slept like 2 or 3 hours because of hip and back pain. It's time to do something about it, instead of always complaining about how fat I am.

I'm not going to be keeping a food journal or anything like that, because that triggers my eating disorders. My doctor said since I'm taking the Xenecal, I should only mildly reduce my caloric intake and I would still lose weight, because the medicine is a fat blocker that works in the intestines. It's got some pretty messy side effects if I don't watch myself as far as fatty foods go. I won't go into that because it grosses even me out. That's saying a lot. It's worth it if I can ease my chronic pain.

I'm feeling better since my last post. I kind of, well more than kind of, had a manic episode. I bought four pairs of shoes, two tops and a pair of jeans in two days and yesterday I put $200 down on a solid wood wardrobe. (I have 2 more payments of $225 to make on it before I can actually have it.) I really need the extra storage space because my closets are so small. I've always wanted a wardrobe ever since I first read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as a child. I guess I still wish I could be transported to Narnia.

I applied for food stamps about 2 months ago. My status is still pending even though the D.H.S. and my caseworker have all of the paperwork they need. I also applied for Medicaid, which is also still pending. I haven't heard anything from S.S.I., which I started the paperwork for before I started the paperwork for the food stamps and Medicaid. Although, I'm rethinking getting on government disability. I want to finish college and actually work as a Psychologist. Disability payments aren't that much and that makes life really limiting. I don't like limits. I want to be able to do what I want with my life.

Regarding my last post, I hope I didn't alienate any of you by being so emotional about the subject of abortion. It's one of those things that really cuts into my heart. That's not to say that I'm one of those people that think abortion should be totally illegal. As I posted on dancingchaplain's journal, the way I figure it is that women who want abortions will get them whether or not they are illegal. I also think that in the case of ectopic pregnancies (pregnancies that occur outside of the uterus and usually kill the mother if left to themselves) abortion should definitely be available to those women. Also, sometimes, unfortunately, women marry or live with men who think that they are entitled to have sex with them any time they feel like it, which means a lot of unwanted pregnancies. While I personally would never have an abortion unless it was an extreme circumstance, I can understand women who have had so many children who just can't physically have any more or can't afford to have any more. I think there is a better alternative, like birth control, but that's not always available. I hope you guys can accept me for who I am and how I feel regarding this issue. I know that it's extremely controversial and a very touchy issue especially among women. I can't help the way I feel.

My best childhood friend had an abortion when she was in her very early twenties because she was afraid her boyfriend, now husband, would leave her if she didn't. If my memory serves me, I believe he actually told her that he would. She called me freaking out and wanted me to help her with the details. She came up with the money and made the appt. for herself. I took her to her appt., waited while the procedure was being performed, took her home and stayed with her for several days to make sure that she didn't like bleed to death or anything. At the time, I was also in my early twenties and I had fallen for the lie that abortion clinics tell you that the life growing within you is just a "mass of tissue". I didn't know anything about how babies form, so the impact of what happened didn't really hit me until she had another pregnancy, which in itself is amazing because a lot of women who undergo abortions can't conceive afterwards. When she had her second pregnancy, I had just gotten back from California working with a church called Sanctuary and their pro-life ministry, Sanctuary Life. I had read up on how babies are formed in the womb and what happens when. When brainwaves start (6 weeks in utero), when they can feel, hear and things like that. I remember sitting with her after she had her little girl, Kayleigh, and just thinking about the other baby that was gone. She was in her second trimester when she had her abortion, which means that she was about 3 or 4 months along. I mourn her first daughter every year on the day she was killed. She would be 16 this year if she had lived.