22.12.05

Incredibly Sysiphian

I feel:: drained
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Over the Rhine~B.P.D.

1. Isaiah 48:6-11

Isa 48:6 You've heard these words. Now look at all this. Won't you admit it? From now on I will reveal to you new things, hidden things that you do not know.
Isa 48:7 They are created now, not in the past. You haven't heard about them before today, so you can't say that you already knew about them.
Isa 48:8 You have never heard about them. You have never known about them. Your ears have never been open to hear them before. I know that you've acted very treacherously and that you have been called a rebel since you were born.
Isa 48:9 For my name's sake I'll be patient. For my glory's sake I'll hold my anger back from you, rather than destroy you.
Isa 48:10 I have refined you, but not like silver. I have tested you in the furnace of suffering.
Isa 48:11 I am doing this for myself, only for myself. Why should my name be dishonored? I will not give my glory to anyone else.


2. Matthew 4:1-11

Mat 4:1 Then the Spirit led Jesus into the desert to be tempted by the devil.
Mat 4:2 Jesus did not eat anything for 40 days and 40 nights. At the end of that time, he was hungry.
Mat 4:3 The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become loaves of bread."
Mat 4:4 Jesus answered, "Scripture says, 'A person cannot live on bread alone but on every word that God speaks.'"
Mat 4:5 Then the devil took him into the holy city and had him stand on the highest part of the temple.
Mat 4:6 He said to Jesus, "If you are the Son of God, jump! Scripture says, 'He will put his angels in charge of you. They will carry you in their hands so that you never hit your foot against a rock.'"
Mat 4:7 Jesus said to him, "Again, Scripture says, 'Never tempt the Lord your God.'"
Mat 4:8 Once more the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms in the world and their glory.
Mat 4:9 The devil said to him, "I will give you all this if you will bow down and worship me."
Mat 4:10 Jesus said to him, "Go away, Satan! Scripture says, 'Worship the Lord your God and serve only him.'"
Mat 4:11 Then the devil left him, and angels came to take care of him.



I put my phone on vibrate last night when Sally, Tanya, Tanya's mom, Sarah and I went to see the concert of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. When I got home this morning sometime around 1:30am, I left my phone in my purse. I haven't touched it since until I got it out this morning at about 9:30am. I plugged it in to charge and it was sitting on the arm of my chair in which I was sitting reading these Scriptures. It rang one of the rings that I have it set for when there is an unknown caller id. I was irritated because I had just sat down to read so I pressed a button and stopped the ringing. About 2 minutes later, it rang again and again the caller id said,"Unknown". I was more irritated. So, I waited until it stopped ringing and went to put it on vibrate. It was already on vibrate. So, why did it ring?

I had a major spiritual thing during the Trans-Siberian Orchestra show last night. I felt like I was the only person in the sold out Alltel Arena. I tried to hold them back, but my tears were falling freely and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I wasn't hysterically crying. I was pretty calm, actually, but inside my heart was bursting. I felt like if I didn't cry, I would explode. I prayed like I haven't prayed in ages. I confessed things that were in my heart that I didn't even know were there. I felt God there with me and all around me. I had an extremely private moment with God in the midst of thousands of people. How weird is that? Granted, I was high on emotion and the adrenaline of the experience, but I still feel God with me this morning and I haven't felt so peaceful since I can't remember when. My most earnest prayer was that this new humility (which could only have come from God because I'm not humble. I pretend to be, but in my heart I'm not. Thank God, he is the only one who knows what is truly in my heart. If anyone else knew, I would have no friends.) would be enduring and that the seed that was planted last night would not be picked up by passing "crows" or washed away by the rain that will surely come. It always does. It's raining now, as a matter of fact. My most fervent prayer was that the seed planted last night would take root and grow within me to produce a new person. A person who loves God; a person who knows God; a person who reflects God. God, in his mercy, ( it didn't feel like mercy last night, but more like conviction) showed me a glimpse of the big picture of the last 10 years of my life. What a futile life I have been leading. I told Sally last night that I feel like I don't have any fight left in me; that I am an empty shell of a person. It's no wonder I feel that way because for the last 10 years (at least), I have been living my life under my own strength. I used to consider myself a strong person. No more. I can't even deal with the most mundane things of life. I can't be in crowds without panicking and having to hold on to someone. That was proved without a doubt last night as we were leaving the concert and we were in the press of the crowd. I had a death grip on Sally's arm. I can't deal with the most simple classes at school without freaking out. I can't have a healthy relationship with a man because I am so insecure. It's no wonder that one of my biggest fears is that I'll be alone for the rest of my life and when I am an old woman (assuming I make it that far), there will be no one to take care of me; no one who loves me. I am at the proverbial bottom of the well here and I have nothing else to do except grab hold of God, who has always been there. I'm convinced of that. It's me that, in my pridefulness and rebelliousness, refused to let God be my strength. I thought I could do everything on my own, because I'm a strong, independent woman. I'm not strong. I'm weak. I'm beyond weak. I'm incapable. I need God to be the strength for me to just get through my life day to day; more than that- minute by minute- since my mood swings are almost continuous and I feel like every day is a mine field that I have to negotiate. (Note to self: Ask God where the mines are. )

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