I Don't Know Enough Spanish Yet To Curse You Out Properly

I feel:: pissed off
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: something by Joss Stone

I just got in from going out to Midtown Billiards with Tanya. We saw a rockabilly band called Brandon McGovern and the Scrappers. They were a lot better this time than they were the first time we saw them. For one thing, they had a steel guitar player this time. That made the whole thing sound so much more full and wonderful. Tanya and I also got free cds from them thanks to Brandon having a crush on her. At one point during the night, after their first break, he walked on stage, walked back to her and gave her his cigarrettes to hold for him while he played. I leaned over to her and said,"That's a very boyfriend thing to do." She giggled and blushed and said,"Yeah, I know." Then, a little bell dinged in my brain and I grabbed her arm and said,"Oh my God, you're the Cigarrette Mistress!" We both doubled over laughing. We couldn't stop laughing and some people were staring. I must confess, I had my eye on the steel guitar player. I usually don't like clean cut guys. There's just something about that whole preppy thing, but this guy... I don't know why I was so attracted to him. Maybe it's because he's a musician and I have a weakness for musicians. Or maybe it's because he just looked so yummy and sqeaky clean.

Anyway, I digress. We had a pretty good time. I got hit on by two women and two men, well verbally anyway. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was someone staring at me. I don't think I was being paranoid, but I was wearing a serious booby shirt. The first lady that hit on me was kind of older. She must have been in her 50s. She had her husband come over and tell me that I was "awesome". Then, throughout the night, she would come over every now and then to our table and put her arm around my shoulder, which caused not a little jump in me, especially since I had a backless/shoulderless shirt on. She asked me to dance with her about 8 times. Every time I said no, but she just kept coming back. Damn, I thought guys were persistent. The second girl that hit on me was younger than me. She looked to be in her 20s. She was standing beside a guy I have known for about 5 years and when I went to hug him, she asked me, giggling,"Are your boobs real?" I just nodded my head yes. She then put her hand on my arm and said,"Oh, I didn't mean to make you mad. It's just that they're so big!" I brushed it off, hugged my friend again and made my way to the bar to get my usual chilled and shaken Sambuca. I went back to our table and she came over to me and told me that she was my friend's cousin. She introduced herself and I introduced her to Tanya. Then, she commented about my boobs again and couldn't take her eyes off them. She then began caressing my purse and saying how much she liked it, how it was soo cute and soo pink. She even picked it up and hung it on her arm saying,"This shows you have personality." I didn't really have much to say to her since the music was so loud, so I just sort of stared at her. I think she got uncomfortable right then, because she excused herself by saying it was very nice to meet us. I leaned over to Tanya and asked,"Did she just hit on me?" Tanya,"Uhhh huh."

The most obnoxious guy hit on me on my way out the door. I had seen him earlier standing in the front of the bar watching the band. He was wearing a pastel pink, green and white striped shirt with black slacks. (Let's all say it together...EWWWWWWWWWWW!!) Anyway, I glanced at him because of his utterly atrocious attire and just as quickly forgot about him. On my way out, I had to pass by him to get out the door and he grabbed my arm so tightly that I can still feel the pressure of it. He was holding me so tightly that I had to use my body weight to wrench myself free of him. He tried to pull me close to him while saying,"You can't leave." I should have gone off on him and torn him a new asshole, but I didn't. I just turned my head away from him, leaned my body out and tugged. What a piece of shit. What makes some men think that they can treat women like that? I was so mad that I actually thought about driving back there just to tell him off-IN SPANISH.

Earlier today, I had to go to the liquor store for dad as per usual, but this time, he decided to go with me. As we were driving, I asked him why he got just a half-pint of whiskey every day instead of just getting a big bottle that would last him all week. He said,"Because I would drink it all." I nodded my head, kept driving and we were silent for a few minutes. Then he said, "Do you remember when we were living in Camden and I fell in my room and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance?" I said,"Yeah, I do." He replied,"Well, I had drunk a fifth that day." I turned to him, a little shocked and said,"You told me that you had an attack of Angina." He replied," Well, that was convenient." He was silent for a little bit and said,"I could have died." I choked back tears that were threatening to fall and just stayed silent for the rest of the ride. Up until today, I had blamed myself for him having to go to the hospital that day. I had been sunbathing in the backyard when I heard him call me. I yelled,"What?" There was no answer. Again,"What do you want?" No answer. I went inside, walked down the hall to his bedroom to see him laying in the floor passed out. He had already called the ambulance. He passed out with the phone in his hand. All these years I thought,"Why didn't I come in sooner? Why do I get irritated with him so easily? What if I hadn't come in and he had just laid there in his bedroom floor and died?" GODDAMMIT. That's another thing in a long ass list of things he has done to me that has been unfair. No one ever said life was fair, but dammit, you don't just drink a fucking fifth of whiskey when you know you have a bad heart and you know that you have a child who depends on you for everything. What if he had died? What would have happened to me? That was so selfish of him. Shit, now that's another goddamn thing I have to struggle with forgiving him for. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK