26.7.05

Cherry Flavored Goodness?

I feel:: amused

Sunday night, I went to eat dinner with Sally and Tanya at Senor Tequila. As we were finishing our dinner, Tanya said,"My boobs were hungry." I wasn't really paying attention, but when she said that I snapped to attention and said,"What? I thought you just said that your boobs were hungry." She said,"Yeah, well I got all these crumbs on my chest. My boobs were hungry." I love my friends.

Today, in Psychosexual Behavior class, we had Show-n-Tell. On Friday, my professor told everyone that the assignment for Monday was to bring in some form of contraceptive device and to write a short, hand-written paper about our experience of acquiring it. I didn't have any money, so I figured I would just go by the Health Dept at school and get one of the condoms there that they offer for free. Well, I'm a lazy ass and I didn't go by there. I was so tired all weekend that I just laid in bed. I was experiencing this weird fatigue. It was like I was just to tired to move. Anyway, this morning, I came to class sans condom and figured I would just take the penalty of the 10 points. As I was walking up to class, I ran into a classmate of mine who usually sits by me. He asked me if I had written my paper. I told him that I hadn't because I hadn't managed to acquire any contraceptives. He said, "I have three condoms. You can have one of mine." It was like I was back in high school trading gummy bears or bumming cigarrettes off my friends. Weird. So, he gave me one and we both went into class early. He hadn't written his paper either. I sat down at my usual desk and started writing. I wrote about how embarrassing it is for a woman to buy condoms. Every time I have ever bought them in whatever store I am, I get the cashier that gives me the look like,"I know who's getting laid tonight!" At one point while I was dating Ryk, I thought I was pregnant so I went to Wal-Mart to buy a pregnancy test. It was right before Christmas. Since the lines at the registers were so long, being Christmas season and all, I decided to ask the cashier in the pharmacy if I could pay for it there. As she was taking my money, she said knowingly,"I hope you get what you want for Christmas." Before I could stop myself I said," Well, I hope I'm not pregnant." Then, she started cackling and said loudly in between gasps for air,"You better tell Santa to stop using that chimney!" Oh my God. I was mortified. I left Wal-Mart as fast as I could sure that everyone who looked at me knew that I was a dirty slut who might be pregnant outside of marriage. Talk about a guilt trip.

After we turned in our papers, my professor told all of us to put our chairs in a circle in the middle of the room and get out whatever contraceptive device we had brought. He started with the girl immediately to my right who had brought one of her birth control patches. She explained how it works and how to wear it. He then moved to me and said,"What do you have there?" I held it up and told the class it was a lubricated condom. My professor said,"Can you open it?" So, I did and it was practically dripping with lube. I meant to say it under my breath, but I guess it was louder than I thought, or else that room has great acoustics because after I said,"Wow, it's really...juicy",the entire class erupted in giggles. After I finished, he continued around the circle asking what people had brought and what their individual experience was buying it. He stopped suddenly mid-sentence when one of the girls in the back of the room pulled out of her purse a "pleasure pack" of condoms that were various colors, smells and flavors. He was laughing while he asked her if she would open one. She opened a red one and said,"Oh wow, it smells good." More giggles. My professor asked her if she would pass it around the room so everyone could smell the smellgood condom. When it reached the girl on my right, she sniffed it and told me in a littlegirl gigglewhisper,"It smells like cotton candy!" It did smell exactly like cotton candy,with a little latex aftersmell. A few people down the line, another girl had a condom only this one was not colored, flavored or scented. It was a Magnum XL. She opened the package, unrolled it and exclaimed,"I didn't think they came this big!" The girl on my right said,"Wow, it has girth!" My reaction was,"GOOD GOD!" at which point my professor looked at me and nearly fell out of his chair laughing. When class was over and we all were leaving, the guy who gave me one of his condoms said," Who knew that this class would consist of smelling condoms?"

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