3.4.05

Writing and Therapy

I feel:: accomplished

I started therapy last Thursday. I was sort of nervous about going. I was afraid it would be bad, that I would have all these flashbacks, cry and not be able to function. It wasn't like that at all. My therapist was really nice and understanding. She wrote a lot of notes down on her yellow legal pad while I was talking. She actually didn't ask me that many questions. I just started talking and I couldn't stop. I told her everything. I can't believe I got it all in an hour. At the end of the session she looked at me and asked me if something was wrong. I guess she could tell I wasn't feeling right. I told her that I was happy because Ryk had his kids that day and I was going to get to spend time with him and them. I also told her that I was a little sad because talking about all that stuff always makes me sad. She said that was completely normal. As we were walking out, I started to feel better and when I got outside and was walking to my car, I felt even better. It was a gorgeous day and I was grateful for my life and for Ryk and his kids, for getting therapy for free, for my car, my dad....I won't go into the whole list. Suffice it to say that I was in a very good mood. As I was driving back to Ryk's place, ( I was there before I went to therapy and I had planned to meet him there after because we were going to take the kids to Chucky Cheese.) I started to get shaky. The more I drove the shakier I felt. By the time I got to Ryk's place, I was in a full on panic. When I got there, I went inside and started frantically looking for the bag of Easter candy that I had bought for his kids. I knew there was some chocolate in there and I desperately wanted it. I looked through every cabinet more than once and I looked in the refrigerator and the freezer. I looked all through his apt, but I couldn't find it, so I called him and asked him where it was. He said that it was under the tv in the entertainment center. I looked there and it wasn't there. So, I was frustrated. I finally went to his freezer and got out one of those drumstick ice cream treats and sat down on the sofa to eat it. About that time, Ryk and his kids came in the door( they had been at Wal-Mart). I told him that the Easter candy wasn't where he said it was, so he started looking for it. A few minutes later, he found it in the laundry room. I had looked there too, but I guess I was so panicked that I didn't see it. He handed me the bag and I ate about 5 Hershey's Kisses. I was surprised that I didn't eat more considering my condition. I realized later that the reason I didn't binge was because I wasn't alone. It's embarrassing to binge when you are in front of people.

The next day, I was thinking about what my therapist had told me about keeping a journal, so I started writing in it. I wrote 10 1/2 pages. It took me all day to do it. I kept having to take breaks because I would get too emotional to write and also my hand kept cramping. All I did pretty much that day was write in my journal and sleep. The next day, Ryk asked me how I was feeling and I told him that I felt numb. I guess that's pretty normal when you go through so many emotions in such a short period of time. I have promised myself to keep my journal up to date. My therapist said that it would not only help me, but also it would help her to help me. I just want to get past this.

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