Reconciling With God

I feel:: calm
What song is on a loop in my head right now:: Tori Amos~Rattlesnakes

I was going to go to church last Sunday. I even left Ryk's early last Saturday night instead of spending the night there so I would be able to get up early enough to get ready and go. Well, as per usual, my stomach got upset and I spent all morning in the bathroom. By the time the whole episode was over, I only had 30 mins. To get ready and drive to church. I don't think you have to dress up to go to church, but I would have at least liked to have bathed and washed my hair. I really don't think God cares what you wear to church. He knows what's in the heart and there is no way to hide that or to make it look better. I keep forgetting that God knows what is in my heart all the time. It's kind of scary for me to think that there is nowhere I can go to hide from God, but at the same time, the thought comforts me. I have this dual-ness with God because of everything that has happened to me. It is hard for me to trust Him. On the other hand, I believe in Him totally. I believe that He can do anything, just not in my life. (That's kind of arrogant, isn't it? To think that I'm so messed up that not even God, the creator of the universe, can fix me?) I doubted my salvation at one point in my life, but I don't now. I pray every day now, but I don't read the Scriptures hardly at all. I know I should. I just can't bring myself to do it. The last time I tried to discipline myself to study the Scriptures with prayer and an open heart, all this pain started surfacing. Really intense emotional pain. I couldn't deal with it, so I just stopped. This has been the pattern with me ever since the last rape. I guess I'm scared to face the pain. For some reason, I feel like I want to keep it close to me and not give it to God. I guess my holding on to my anger with God makes things easier for me, because I can just blame God for everything that happens to me. It's a lot easier and more comfortable not to have to accept responsibility for things. I have a friend who does that and I sit and think about her and wonder why she can't see what she is doing, when the sad and obvious fact is, I do the same thing. I used to be so certain of things. Everything for me was black/white. After the dissolution of the ministry, the rape and everything else, it got uncertain and gray. I couldn't figure things out. I didn't know who to trust. I was just lost. People around me even noticed it.

I remember thinking after the rape specifically this: If the rape wasn't God's fault and is wasn't my fault, then who is at fault? That only leaves the devil. I know from studying Scripture that the devil is a created being, not equal to God and can only go as far as God will let him. So, if it is the devil's fault, then God let him do it, because God is in control of the devil. So, God did let this happen. Not only that, but He also let happen all the other bad things. I just realized that in this line of reasoning, I am leaving out the component of the world. (According to what I have studied in the Scripture, the Christian has 3 enemies: the world, the flesh and the devil. I don't think I have a good explanation for these in my mind right now. I'm going to look them up later. My theology has become a bit rusty from disuse.) In Scripture it says that the devil is the god of this world because Adam forfeited his dominion when he sinned in the Garden. So, doesn't that mean that the devil controls what goes on in our world? Doesn't God have control over the devil? Now, I'm back to where I started. Confused. I've been trying to figure this out for the past 9 years with no luck. I've presented this line of reasoning to several pastors and Christian counselors. None of them had any answers for me. What's worse, is that I think I put a seed of doubt in their minds about the goodness and faithfulness of God. That makes me feel so bad. I don't want to bring anyone down or to cause anyone to fall. I just want some answers. Several years into this, I came to the conclusion that maybe I wasn't supposed know the answer. That seemed cruel to me, but I had to admit that God doesn't have to explain to me why He does the things He does. It keeps bugging me, though. I want answers to these questions. Answers that I can understand. I guess I should start reading the Scripture again through prayer. I should face the pain and move past it. It's about time, but what if I don't find any answers? What if there are none? Or worse, what if God has the answer, but chooses not to tell me? What if I decide again that I can't face the pain? Then I'm stuck in the same rut that I've been in for the past 9 years. I don't know what to do.
I plan on going to church tomorrow. I hope my stomach acts right. I went to church on Easter with Ryk and I saw most of the people that I had worked with in the ministry. I suddenly realized that I still loved them just as much as I always had. So, I decided right there to let go of the things I had been holding against them. While I was in different conversations after the service was over, I prayed and told God that I didn't want to keep holding on to all of that resentment and unforgiveness. I asked him for forgiveness for being so stubborn and I just gave all to Him. It was so easy that I wondered why I had held on to it for so long. I felt so free afterwards. I could talk to them without having all those painful memories and without thinking what they were going to do to hurt me next. Now that this has happened, I think I might be ready finally to begin new relationships with them. I hope, in the future, that I can always be as forgiving with them as I was that day. I don't want to be a double-minded person anymore. I want to feel like a whole person. I want my faith to be strong again.

I haven't bathed all week. I told Cathy on Thursday that I was going to go home after our therapy session and take a bath. I realize that is SO disgusting. I can't stand myself right now. I'm not making any excuses for myself. It seems like even when I think I don't feel depressed, that I really am. At least I have managed to brush my teeth every day. I think this will get better once I get a job. When I was working temp at Stephens for two weeks about a month ago, I felt a whole lot better about myself. I felt useful, intelligent and capable. I got up every morning and got dressed in nice clothes. ( I even ironed them. Wow. Domesticness.) I put on make-up and fixed my hair. That made me feel good about myself. I felt attractive. I don't want to feel attractive to have men look at me, I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say,"You are pretty." That doesn't happen very often.
Today is the day I hang out with Ryk and his kids. I love them so much. I love to hug them and hold them. The youngest, Richard (1 year), gives me little baby kisses when I make smoochy sounds at him. Xiana (3 years) always runs to me when she sees me and tells me what she has been doing that day and then wants me to play with her. She holds me close if she gets scared of something like she did at the park the other week when she was scared of the ducks and the geese. Melt. I just love to be around them. I don't care about poopy diapers or screaming tantrums. (Xiana is prone to have those. I just let her cry when she's acting spoiled.) I just miss them so much all week.

I am going to make myself bathe and wash my hair before I go over there today. I don't know how Ryk has stood to be around me this week. He must really love me. I'm surprised that he hasn't told me to bathe or at least dropped a hint. I can be really disgusting sometimes.


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